Hey everyone,
Once again spending holidays alone. I actually wrote on a forum about my life and pain when I was 19. Went back to the post this morning as an I got an email from the site telling me my account may be deleted. I realised how the pain never stopped. That extreme loneliness, the self harm , the anxiety, the PTSD,the insecurities. Nothing has changed. I attempted suicide when I was 12 , no one took it seriously even the doctors and just said it was for attention or due to the bullying at school so I went home two days after and we never mentioned it again. My parents believed in physical correction and I got beat up until I turned 17 and started to fight back. The main problem was i didn't want to get back to high school where my rap** was. ( I was abused at 5 and 17) I was sent to a fosterhood, my parents are very socially and professionally accomplished, all my family actually is successful except me. they never told anyone I was there and my mother sent me a letter saying how much she was ashamed of me. My dad couldn't handle it and came picked me up after a month and sent me to another high school. It's the time where I replaced cuttings with drugs. Got my high school diploma went to college got my own place and never stopped doing drugs. Failed for 3 years and went to live in another country met a nice dude stopped doing drugs and without realising it my life was back together and I was going back to college all ready to succeed and in love. My ex came to visit me and on his way back texted me that I was a nice distraction but he didn't want to spend the Christmas holidays with me or anything as he has met some new girl and he enjoy her body more and he has already told me to gain more weight and he likes thick girls and despite him " being attached to me" he values his sexlife way more and thanked me for all the trips I took him on. It hurts because it was the only men I ever felt okay with since whatever happened to me and he's the one who absolutely wanted us to become a couple.I had confessed to him how much I endured pain and how much I was happy to spend Christmas and new year with him as I was spending them alone since I was 18. I cut friendships away cause it's always money interested and turns out men too. Never got in a relationship since 2019 of any kind no touch no hugs no kiss or whatever also from family and so called friend, and believe I've looked and tried so hard but didn't worked out with anyone and I don't want to use a man or a friend I don't feel connected to just to not be lonely it wouldn't be fair for them they deserves someone who truly cares. When covid happened I just stayed home alone smoking and getting everything delivered so I never stepped a feet outside. Now end of 2025 and nothing changed. Last birthdays and holidays were still just me. Been lying to my parents about going to college when I failed my semester in July because I was on my internship overseas and the professors didn't care made me re do the year with only that exam to pass in July next year. college wasn't going well anyway was getting bullied because I was older and the girls were 18 felt like going back to high school again. Now I won't have my master before 32 and I don't even want to get to that age. I have a month of holiday, my parents are overseas for work and tickets are way too expensive. I'm drowning in debt as I stopped taking their money. I have no friend no family let alone a man or a job. It hurts to see couples, it hurts to see families and friends groups and graduation stuff even in movies not just in public I don't go to weddings or keep up with the births in my family because it's just hurt too much and everytime they pressure me to get married because I'm already too "old" and do something with my life like I could just cross the street and knock on the door to have that and I'm sorry I had no interest in becoming a teen bride…
My parents paid a trip to this summer, never felt so lonely. Went overseas and everytime I was interacting with someone it was " Why are you alone ?" I'm sorry I don't have anyone to share anything with. I hate when people act like I choose this. No my dream is to have someone get married have a family have my diploma my licence and a job. I've tried everything believe to me socialize and meet new people and friends but it never works out people stop answering or inviting me. Seeing this post this morning made me realise that nothing has changed in ten years and it probably never will. Tried to talk about it with my doctor and therapist but " I looked good in my shoes it just a little tough time and a little hash never killed anyone " no sir it's 10 blunt to start to feel something and my teeth got messed up and yellow and black. and I'm just keeping the face laughing and joking and getting dressed up and make up is the only way I can leave the house without constant anxiety. I can't even think about getting though this month all alone stuck in my appartment again with nothing to do or look forward to it's been too many years already. No one will ever be with me due to how I look for whatever reason so no hubby and babies for me and as I'll never graduate no job also. I don't want funeral , my phone never rang in 4 years so no one will come, anyway. even if it's forbidden in my religion I want to be cremated and thrown wherever I do not care.
I got a tough life so I'm looking for the easiest way to get out. I was thinking maybe a mix of benzo and opio with some good vodka cocktails or demi-sec. Getting my appartement clean out, put things in order and myself all ready as no one will found me before weeks or months probably as I don't speak with anyone, I don't want that person to come in a mess.
My only regret in life is not doing this sooner.
If you read all that thank you.
After a year of therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone." Larry Brown
Once again spending holidays alone. I actually wrote on a forum about my life and pain when I was 19. Went back to the post this morning as an I got an email from the site telling me my account may be deleted. I realised how the pain never stopped. That extreme loneliness, the self harm , the anxiety, the PTSD,the insecurities. Nothing has changed. I attempted suicide when I was 12 , no one took it seriously even the doctors and just said it was for attention or due to the bullying at school so I went home two days after and we never mentioned it again. My parents believed in physical correction and I got beat up until I turned 17 and started to fight back. The main problem was i didn't want to get back to high school where my rap** was. ( I was abused at 5 and 17) I was sent to a fosterhood, my parents are very socially and professionally accomplished, all my family actually is successful except me. they never told anyone I was there and my mother sent me a letter saying how much she was ashamed of me. My dad couldn't handle it and came picked me up after a month and sent me to another high school. It's the time where I replaced cuttings with drugs. Got my high school diploma went to college got my own place and never stopped doing drugs. Failed for 3 years and went to live in another country met a nice dude stopped doing drugs and without realising it my life was back together and I was going back to college all ready to succeed and in love. My ex came to visit me and on his way back texted me that I was a nice distraction but he didn't want to spend the Christmas holidays with me or anything as he has met some new girl and he enjoy her body more and he has already told me to gain more weight and he likes thick girls and despite him " being attached to me" he values his sexlife way more and thanked me for all the trips I took him on. It hurts because it was the only men I ever felt okay with since whatever happened to me and he's the one who absolutely wanted us to become a couple.I had confessed to him how much I endured pain and how much I was happy to spend Christmas and new year with him as I was spending them alone since I was 18. I cut friendships away cause it's always money interested and turns out men too. Never got in a relationship since 2019 of any kind no touch no hugs no kiss or whatever also from family and so called friend, and believe I've looked and tried so hard but didn't worked out with anyone and I don't want to use a man or a friend I don't feel connected to just to not be lonely it wouldn't be fair for them they deserves someone who truly cares. When covid happened I just stayed home alone smoking and getting everything delivered so I never stepped a feet outside. Now end of 2025 and nothing changed. Last birthdays and holidays were still just me. Been lying to my parents about going to college when I failed my semester in July because I was on my internship overseas and the professors didn't care made me re do the year with only that exam to pass in July next year. college wasn't going well anyway was getting bullied because I was older and the girls were 18 felt like going back to high school again. Now I won't have my master before 32 and I don't even want to get to that age. I have a month of holiday, my parents are overseas for work and tickets are way too expensive. I'm drowning in debt as I stopped taking their money. I have no friend no family let alone a man or a job. It hurts to see couples, it hurts to see families and friends groups and graduation stuff even in movies not just in public I don't go to weddings or keep up with the births in my family because it's just hurt too much and everytime they pressure me to get married because I'm already too "old" and do something with my life like I could just cross the street and knock on the door to have that and I'm sorry I had no interest in becoming a teen bride…
My parents paid a trip to this summer, never felt so lonely. Went overseas and everytime I was interacting with someone it was " Why are you alone ?" I'm sorry I don't have anyone to share anything with. I hate when people act like I choose this. No my dream is to have someone get married have a family have my diploma my licence and a job. I've tried everything believe to me socialize and meet new people and friends but it never works out people stop answering or inviting me. Seeing this post this morning made me realise that nothing has changed in ten years and it probably never will. Tried to talk about it with my doctor and therapist but " I looked good in my shoes it just a little tough time and a little hash never killed anyone " no sir it's 10 blunt to start to feel something and my teeth got messed up and yellow and black. and I'm just keeping the face laughing and joking and getting dressed up and make up is the only way I can leave the house without constant anxiety. I can't even think about getting though this month all alone stuck in my appartment again with nothing to do or look forward to it's been too many years already. No one will ever be with me due to how I look for whatever reason so no hubby and babies for me and as I'll never graduate no job also. I don't want funeral , my phone never rang in 4 years so no one will come, anyway. even if it's forbidden in my religion I want to be cremated and thrown wherever I do not care.
I got a tough life so I'm looking for the easiest way to get out. I was thinking maybe a mix of benzo and opio with some good vodka cocktails or demi-sec. Getting my appartement clean out, put things in order and myself all ready as no one will found me before weeks or months probably as I don't speak with anyone, I don't want that person to come in a mess.
My only regret in life is not doing this sooner.
If you read all that thank you.
After a year of therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone." Larry Brown
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