NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[maniac116]

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row...

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!"

 

[The Actual Devil]

Jokes about death: gallows humor

Cock jokes: humor de gallo

 

[maniac116]

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed...

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

"Is my darling wife here with me?"

"Yes, love."

"And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?"

"Yes Father, I'm here."
"And is my daughter here, in the bedroom with me?"

"Yes Daddy. Oh please don't leave us!"

"And are my grandchildren in here with me?"

"Yes, grandad!"

"Then why is the fucking light still on in the front room?"

 

[The Actual Devil]

A man walks into a massage parlor, and after seeing his options, out of sheer curiosity, he chooses the "Negative Utilitarian" masseuse.

When the very normal massage was almost over, the massage therapist asked him if he would like the "happy ending."

"Yes!" he answers.

The masseuse then shoots him in the head, killing him instantly and painlessly.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Normie: why is my rear so big
Joker: maybe because you took the purple forum's advice too literally
Normie: what advice?
Joker: to forget about your words... and advice on where to shove toxic positivity

 

[pacific]

My grief counselor died but he was so good at his job that I don't even care

 

[The Actual Devil]

A woman was walking briskly down the street when a man in a van pulled up next to her.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" he asked her.
"To pick up my children from the neighborhood playground," she answered.
"Oh!" the man said, "Me too! I'll race you!"

 

[maniac116]

"Deadly Puns"

1) Never get on a funeral director's bad side. Remember, cremation destroys 100% of DNA.

2) Thanks to our funeral director for being the last person to let us down.

3) Being a funeral director is a dying profession.

 

[The Actual Devil]

I had a coworker who would always bang on about how women are more likely to screw and fall in love with you if you treat them poorly (negging).
And then, he complained about pronouns and announced that "nobody gets to pick their gender".

So, I agreed with him, told him that I'm so straight that anything I want to fuck is a woman, and started treating him her like shit.

Next month is our anniversary.

(I was inspired by this post to write this joke. @noname223, you now know what you have to do, but do you have the strength to do it?)

 

[Electra]

 

[XXXTENTACION]

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a child?

Really?

Nothing?

You sick fuckers!

 

[maniac116]

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine"

 

[EmptyBottle]

* let's just say it has good vibeZZZZ

A magician says that if his magic trick fails, he will fall on his sword. But because it was done in an office with metal detectors, a substitute sword had to be brought.
He used a half filled fish tank and said he will make it ripple, took out his Hitachi Magic wand* and somehow, the water rippled like crazy.
The boss, looking for his yellow balloon sword, finds it near the magician, and then screams "My wand" :D

 

[maniac116]

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, "This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip"

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, "Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip".

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, "I didn't see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?"

With heavy breath, John told him "Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them."

"What???" Said the coach... "John I don't think that is legal. You could be disqualified"

"I don't know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain't got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls"

 

[EmptyBottle]

An autonomous tank gains sentience, and doesn't want to participate in a war.
It accelerates... 10, 20, 30....
And sees a big, bored mountain.
"Hi mountain"
Mountain replies, ummm, hi?!

The distance closes in, and the tank goes "take that insurance"...
As a big bang sounds, the mountain goes:

Spoiler: punchline

"hi five?"

(inspired by my post about "meeting the mountain as fast as possible")

 

[maniac116]

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

 

[The Actual Devil]

An idiot, a toxic optimist, and a pro-lifer walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

 

[The Actual Devil]

There once were two half-brothers who were born and raised an ocean apart.
Their father, a wealthy globe-trotting Japanese businessman, had just passed away.
In his will, he instructed the brothers to fight to the death over his sizable estate: winner-take-all.
The older brother, from the UK, arranges to meet his younger sibling, from the US, in international waters.
There, they are to duel with katanas.
As their yachts neared each other, they both walked onto their respective decks to see each other in person for the first time in their lives.
*BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!*
A volley of gunfire erupted from the Americans' ship towards the British one, shredding the older brother like Swiss cheese.
"My brother!" cried out the dying Brit, "What of our family's honour?!"
"Dear brother," the American said, "it seems that our family's 'honor' shall exist without 'u'!"

 

[maniac116]

Knock, knock.
(Whose there?)
Your dad.
(But my dads dead.)
I know, just reminding you!

 

[XXXTENTACION]

You can say what you like about burns victims but they do stick together...

 

[The Actual Devil]

I always used to wonder why it was a trope in movies and games to hide from the police by climbing up a ladder or hiding on the ceiling.

But then realized: pigs can't look up!
=

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

1) At the boss' funeral, a disgruntled employee kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, "Who's thinking outside the box now, Gary?"

2) Being cremated is my last hope for a smokin' hot body.

 

[The Actual Devil]

Earlier, I was possessed by a demon. When he tried to leave, I pulled him back in and said, "Oh no, jackass! I'm not dealing with this body anymore! It's your problem now!"

 

[XXXTENTACION]

What is the best way to get chewing gum out of hair?

Cancer.

 

[maniac116]

"I'm telling you one last time," the doctor yelled at his nurse...
"When you're filling out a death certificate, you put the name of illness under the cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"

 

[maniac116]

"Sex After Death"

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.
"Judy, Judy."
"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud, lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

 

[maniac116]

Knock, knock.
(Whose there?)
Your dad.
(But my dads dead.)
I know, just reminding you!

 

[The Actual Devil]

What do animals using mating calls have in common with people using dating apps?

I know what you're thinking, and NOPE, guess again!

They're both more likely to attract a predator than a mate!

 

[badkarma4618]

how do you tell the difference between a nerd and a BDSM fetishist? ask them what a dungeon master is.