NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[maniac116]

1) An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation.
Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it.
His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
2) You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example...

3) I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear...

 

[Griever]

I have a joke about suicide, but it'll probably hang around too long

 

[maniac116]

Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie?
She went to see "Closed For The Winter".

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What is the difference between marriage and death?
When you're dead you don't wish that you were married.

 

[NiveusAnima]

Steven King once made a Facebook post I liked. Maybe not too dark but definitely grey.

"I was late to the cannibal party, so they gave me the cold shoulder"

 

[The Actual Devil]

I hate doing yardwork.

So, I've been blasting emo music at my lawn, hoping it will cut itself.

 

[maniac116]

1) What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

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2) Knock, knock.
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave, who?
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.