NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[maniac116]

1) An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation.
Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it.
His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
2) You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example...

3) I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear...

 

[Griever]

I have a joke about suicide, but it'll probably hang around too long

 

[maniac116]

Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie?
She went to see "Closed For The Winter".

---

What is the difference between marriage and death?
When you're dead you don't wish that you were married.

 

[NiveusAnima]

Steven King once made a Facebook post I liked. Maybe not too dark but definitely grey.

"I was late to the cannibal party, so they gave me the cold shoulder"

 

[The Actual Devil]

I hate doing yardwork.

So, I've been blasting emo music at my lawn, hoping it will cut itself.

 

[maniac116]

1) What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

---

2) Knock, knock.
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave, who?
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

 

[maniac116]

1. A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

2. When does a regular joke become a "Dad Joke"?
When the punchline leaves & never comes back...

 

[The Actual Devil]

A porn star and a drug trafficker get stopped by border patrol going into Mexico from Guatemala.
Both were subjected to full-body searches.
The first was well-hung.
The other was, well, hung.

 

[maniac116]

How do we know that Death is a man?
He always comes quicker than expected.

---

Yo mama so nasty, she took a shit and the toilet choked to death.

---

What's the biggest problem with the death humor and jokes?
Its execution.
. .

 

[The Actual Devil]

Q: How do you trick a politician into CTBing?
A: Install a lightbulb socket in the outer wall of a preschool and tell them it's a glory hole!

 

[maniac116]

. . .

 

[maniac116]

1) "How to decide on open vs closed casket"
I want a closed casket funeral. At the end of the service, the organist should energetically play "Pop Goes the Weasel" over and over until everyone is staring at my coffin in silent, horrified anticipation.

2) "You're next!"
Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're next!" So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[The Actual Devil]

A man went to a sketchy bar looking to try out some new pickup lines.
He approached a woman sitting at the bar and said, "I am an agent from heaven, and I've been sent to gather people so they can build an ark and prepare for the next great flood. But you are so beautiful, what do you say we fly away together and let the world drown?"
The woman, unamused by the man, turned to the bartender and said, "I need an angel shot!"

 

[Forever Sleep]

Post from Ranko Tanko

Sub for loads of daily content xD

youtube.com

 

[maniac116]

1. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna live...

2. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care....

3. Today, I asked my phone, "Sir I" why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera....

4. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks,
"I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"

 

[The Actual Devil]

All right, this one's kinda dumb, but hear me out:
Imagine a puppet like Triumph the Insult-Comic Dog, but instead it's Forfeit the Self-Deprecating Frog.
And it says:
"I really love edgy humor--for me to cut myself with!"

 

[Dejected 55]

Not a joke exactly, but a funny observation.

Every time I see a subject title about "anti-emetics" my brain wants to read that as "antisemitic" and goes to a dark place wondering what that has to do with suicide.

Unrelated, but actually a joke...

Q: What do you call a cat that likes to creep on other cats through the window?

Spoiler: Punchline

A: A purr-vert.

 

[NonEssential]

 

[maniac116]

Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...
The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later the man jumps of the bridge, and the second man at the bar begins to take out his wallet.

"No, no," says the first man,"I saw the report earlier tonight, I knew he was going to jump the whole time."

"I saw it too," says the second man "I just didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again.

 

[The Actual Devil]

(This one's more of a jokey story than a joke joke, but I'm feeling burned out lately, so )

I was suicidal, but then I met a gal.
She often worried that I would still go through with it someday.
So, I poured my nitrite in the trash in front of her.
She said, "Are you sure?"
I said, "My love, the only SN I want is that Sweet Nectar between your thighs!"

(Moral of the story: don't write jokes while sleep deprived.)

 

[bankai]

 

[maniac116]

My best friend sadly passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today...

I said to her, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."..

She replied, "But he wasn't ill, he died suddenly."..

I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

A forum where people are literally ghosted.

 

[The Actual Devil]

In the Middle Ages, the British would consume mummified human remains from ancient Egypt for 'medicinal' reasons.
One day, a young English boy was surprised to see his father chopping up some strange meat in the kitchen.
He asked his dad what kind of food he was making.
"It's mummy!" the father answered.
"What?" the little boy asked, "Is someone sick?"
"Well," the dad started, "Your mother was sick..."

AJ is one of the goats.

 

[maniac116]

1) A boss asks his employee, "Do you believe there is Life After Death?"
The employee replied, "Certainly not Sir, there's no proof of it."
The boss said, "Well, there is… After you left office early yesterday to go to your cousin's funeral, he came here looking for you."

---

2) Why did the blind fly starve to death?
Because it couldn't see shit.

 

[The Actual Devil]

A suicide bomber straps a bomb to his head and blows it up.
Officials spend hours picking up all his pieces, but are confused because they can't find any bits of his brain.
After they read his manifesto, however, they realize that he never had one!

 

[maniac116]

An old man is at home on his death bed...

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

 

[maniac116]

Today, I asked my phone "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

 

[The Actual Devil]

Today, I asked my phone "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

Today, I asked my wife why I was still single, and she told me that my dementia is getting worse. (⊙_⊙)？

 

[maniac116]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she yells "TORNADO!" As the soldiers duck for cover, she scales the wall of the prison and escapes to freedom.

The redhead is next. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she yells "EARTHQUAKE!" As the soldiers duck for cover, she scales the wall of the prison and escapes to freedom.

Last is the blonde. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she yells "FIRE!"