NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[maniac116]

I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination.

"Over there next to mine," was not the answer I was expecting....

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[Halfhourdays]

 

[maniac116]

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You do need one if you want to go skydiving twice.

 

[maniac116]

"There's something about the clitoris. I can't quite put my finger on it."

 

[maniac116]

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

 

[maniac116]

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.



The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick...
She still isn't talking to me!

 

[maniac116]

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...
... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

 

[maniac116]

A suicide bomb instructor is training a class...

"Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!"...

 

[maniac116]

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Not dark but I think it's funny...

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you

 

[maniac116]

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."

The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."...

 

[maniac116]

Dentist: "This will hurt a little."

Patient: "OK."

Dentist: "I'm having an affair with your wife."

 

[maniac116]

An old woman decided she's had enough of life and wanted to commit suicide.
She decided she was going to shoot herself in the heart.
So she calls her doctor and asks him, "Doc, where is the heart located in the body?"
"Just below your left breast" the doctor explains to her.
"Thanks," she says, and shoot's herself in the knee.

 

[maniac116]

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken...

"Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

 

[Cauliflour]

 

[maniac116]

Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...
The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later the man jumps of the bridge, and the second man at the bar begins to take out his wallet.

"No, no," says the first man,"I saw the report earlier tonight, I knew he was going to jump the whole time."

"I saw it too," says the second man "I just didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again.

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic.
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates