LilGhost
Shark
- Apr 8, 2026
- 159
I think I found a good anchor point. Will have to hope for it. Would want to do it tomorrow but I have a doctors appointment Monday, so if something will go wrong…. I am not letting my doctor know because maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance on obtaining a g un in some future. Besides staying in mental hospital is an L
It's funny tho. I had to push a date previously because I couldn't clean my room. My inability to clean it kinda saved my life at least twice. Because I didn't want to leave with dirty room. I got forced to finally clean it tho (my sister saw in what state the apartment is…. And wasn't particularly happy about it). So now… one of few things that kept me alive will be gone soon by hands of those who'd be annoyed by my choice the most. It's just funny because when I am was a kid my mother always was saying "clean room = clean brain/head". And…. Lol I guess my head hopefully will be cleaned by thoughts for 100% so this is not THAT far away from the truth. Being called a pig and worthless really hold me down for a bit
Also…. I am kinda admitting now that there is no god. Don't get me wrong. I was agnostic and then atheist for a long time. But part of me still thought "oh what if I ctb and there is god, but he's not as bad as religion is telling us (like won't send me to hell just for being trans and gay) and he's chill but will send me to hell for ctb. So I'll be eternally suffering where I could have have a good afterlife if I just power through". I know how does it sound. In my defense that's how I survived my parents. Running away was tempting, but staying there for few years benefited in long run as they saw me as investment, therefore put money in me. Now I'm anti theist. No more "there could be god". That's not holding me here either
I can think of only two reasons why to stay: stupid hope it "will get better", and want to change the world for the best.
For first - that's just my friend who gave me that stupid idea of "hope". I don't think I am strong enough to last long enough for it to be better. I need to put to much powers to power through with no emotional support. That's just stupid when I can have a short cut to not exist
For second - I think I am giving up on humanity. You can't convince bigots to not be bigots. Literally debates were proven to be useless. Literally there is no justice. Some people just fine with their rot, some are unaware. You can not just…. Agree with people to help each other. There must be ways to help people. To change them. To make at least most people act kind to other people. It's just…. Hard. I feel heartbroken when I hear "healthcare should be a privilege not a right" or "I dgaf about what happens to homeless people.. I don't want my tax money to go to them" And you can't convince them otherwise, because they ignore logic or empathy. I dont think I'll be significant enough to force myself to stay to change the system. I just…. Has no strength left in me
I think the last straw was that friends gave up on me. Literally…. Just knowing someone would be upset at me being dead…. That there is someone who wants me around. Somebody who cares. I don't have it now. That's not holding me too. Nobody to be upset about me leaving. No one to mourn me but that's okay. I am just…. Alone. I surely could have find more friends…. But I am tired
I think if I could stop time and sleep for a hundred years…. That might have help me. But I can't. Stop existing is closest to it.
So useless… so tired
I failed some attempts before so I don't even make this one fancy. Feels a bit like eating raw meat for the sake of gambling your health. Or Russian roulette I guess is closer. Saving up some money and if this won't work either, I'll try N2O method, tho I am kinda unsettled as it's not as popular so I have limited information to go about
Anyway…. Don't have high hopes for the attempt…. But don't mind if succeeding
It's funny tho. I had to push a date previously because I couldn't clean my room. My inability to clean it kinda saved my life at least twice. Because I didn't want to leave with dirty room. I got forced to finally clean it tho (my sister saw in what state the apartment is…. And wasn't particularly happy about it). So now… one of few things that kept me alive will be gone soon by hands of those who'd be annoyed by my choice the most. It's just funny because when I am was a kid my mother always was saying "clean room = clean brain/head". And…. Lol I guess my head hopefully will be cleaned by thoughts for 100% so this is not THAT far away from the truth. Being called a pig and worthless really hold me down for a bit
Also…. I am kinda admitting now that there is no god. Don't get me wrong. I was agnostic and then atheist for a long time. But part of me still thought "oh what if I ctb and there is god, but he's not as bad as religion is telling us (like won't send me to hell just for being trans and gay) and he's chill but will send me to hell for ctb. So I'll be eternally suffering where I could have have a good afterlife if I just power through". I know how does it sound. In my defense that's how I survived my parents. Running away was tempting, but staying there for few years benefited in long run as they saw me as investment, therefore put money in me. Now I'm anti theist. No more "there could be god". That's not holding me here either
I can think of only two reasons why to stay: stupid hope it "will get better", and want to change the world for the best.
For first - that's just my friend who gave me that stupid idea of "hope". I don't think I am strong enough to last long enough for it to be better. I need to put to much powers to power through with no emotional support. That's just stupid when I can have a short cut to not exist
For second - I think I am giving up on humanity. You can't convince bigots to not be bigots. Literally debates were proven to be useless. Literally there is no justice. Some people just fine with their rot, some are unaware. You can not just…. Agree with people to help each other. There must be ways to help people. To change them. To make at least most people act kind to other people. It's just…. Hard. I feel heartbroken when I hear "healthcare should be a privilege not a right" or "I dgaf about what happens to homeless people.. I don't want my tax money to go to them" And you can't convince them otherwise, because they ignore logic or empathy. I dont think I'll be significant enough to force myself to stay to change the system. I just…. Has no strength left in me
I think the last straw was that friends gave up on me. Literally…. Just knowing someone would be upset at me being dead…. That there is someone who wants me around. Somebody who cares. I don't have it now. That's not holding me too. Nobody to be upset about me leaving. No one to mourn me but that's okay. I am just…. Alone. I surely could have find more friends…. But I am tired
I think if I could stop time and sleep for a hundred years…. That might have help me. But I can't. Stop existing is closest to it.
So useless… so tired
I failed some attempts before so I don't even make this one fancy. Feels a bit like eating raw meat for the sake of gambling your health. Or Russian roulette I guess is closer. Saving up some money and if this won't work either, I'll try N2O method, tho I am kinda unsettled as it's not as popular so I have limited information to go about
Anyway…. Don't have high hopes for the attempt…. But don't mind if succeeding
