Venting Fuck, just saw my parents last time

[avaruus]

It's 8:30AM where i am, i haven't slept all night... at 3am i took 130ug lsd blotter and 300mg of pregabalin and started just walking into the night, maybe i was just wanting to find a final reason to live or something, i don't know why i left to just walk around into the night.
But then at somepoint i decided that i want to visit my parents one last time.

First, i went to my mothers house, it was 6:30am and she was just preparing to leave for work, she was crying so hard when she saw me...
We hugged and she just cried and apologized for something (upbringing maybe?)
like i have said before, i haven't had any contact with my parents for over a year now (since the creation of this SaSu account)

It's not because they didn't want to see me, i just couldn't face them. Hard to explain if you don't relate to what i feel.

I wanted to say "goodbye" to her so bad, but of course i had to restrain my self. Instead i said "i will explain you everything later" or something. With that i mean't my suicide notes.

Next, i went to see my father, who of course was just awoken because it was, or it still is a morning here :D
I talked to him, hugged him and even regrettably said that i will "see you later" which i now regret, since that was the last time.

This whole thread is just me venting about this, fuck, that last time seeing them... Maybe i should have said or done more... Hopefully they understand through my extensive suicide notes that i have left for them.

So sorry this whole thread is a mess, i'm still under influence and i'm just overwhelmed by this whole situation

 

[Alessa]

hi avaruus, :)

oh wow... I don't know what to say. You already read my thoughts on isolating, so this post makes me feel insecure about what to do.
You were isolated for one year, that is great success! I admire you! Hopefully I'll be able to isolate for 9 months without seeing my mother. Luckily it is just her, noone else.

Maybe it is right to say goodbye like you did and I wonder if that really could be the best way to go. Iam still unsure if I should CTB without seeing her again. Now that I read you post, it might feel fulfilling for your parents to had that last emotional moment, but Iam also sure that it will also make them more sad in the end when they find out about the loss. I try to imagine me seeing my mother for the last time and I know that I will cry so much that she could get suspicious. It might become clear that I'll be emotional for a reason and that could get too risky again.

It's so hard, I don't know what to do...
Do you already know when you will go?

 

[avaruus]

hi avaruus, :)

oh wow... I don't know what to say. You already read my thoughts on isolating, so this post makes me feel insecure about what to do.
You were isolated for one year, that is great success! I admire you! Hopefully I'll be able to isolate for 9 months without seeing my mother. Luckily it is just her, noone else.

Maybe it is right to say goodbye like you did and I wonder if that really could be the best way to go. Iam still unsure if I should CTB without seeing her again. Now that I read you post, it might feel fulfilling for your parents to had that last emotional moment, but Iam also sure that it will also make them more sad in the end when they find out about the loss. I try to imagine me seeing my mother for the last time and I know that I will cry so much that she could get suspicious. It might become clear that I'll be emotional for a reason and that could get too risky again.

It's so hard, I don't know what to do...
Do you already know when you will go?

Hi,
I will most likely go within a week, as my SN should be arriving this week. So i most likely go immediately the day after i get it.