Frustrated with girlfriend

[RainAndSadness]

I planned to do it last week but I'm still here, sadly. And it's really frustrating because it wasn't death that held me back but my girlfriend. It's really difficult for me to leave her behind, mainly because she is in a similar situation like me. She is also depressed, transgender and has no friends so I'm one of the few people in her life that give her support and I kinda feel responsible for her, so I would cause a lot of pain if I left and probably make her situation a lot worse. I don't want her to follow me after I left. Which is the reason why I'm still alive. I'm not happy at all though, I'm sure I should have left last Sunday and it's very annoying I'm stuck in this situation. Everything was packed, the bags were ready with the dress, the N and the laptop and they still are, I could just pick them up and book a hotel again, which I will do for sure - very soon. I just wish I could get rid of all anchors first so I can finally be free and leave without guilt.

We both have talked about suicide in the past and we are both in very different positions. She wants to experience many adventures and travel a lot while I'm tired and all I seek is peace. I feel like we're in a completely different mindset. I gave up on life and I'm ready to leave while she looks towards a future. And when I explained to her how I felt, how all hopes and goals vanished in the last few years, how I'm desperate to leave and I'm waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, she accepted it but she was very depressed. We both took a break from the relationship yesterday (it was my wish) and I think it's the right step to create more distance between us. I couldn't break up because I think she would feel very guilty if I left a couple of days after. I'm still planning to leave prior to 2019.

Are there other people in a similar situation and how are you dealing with that? I admire all people that had the strength to leave their partner back because it's the most challenging hurdle for me. I know she loves me and I love her too but it's not enough anymore to make life endurable. I just want to leave, that's all I need. It's so frustrating because I have the most peaceful method and I'm not scared to leave. I could go in peace if people just let me.

 

[Xerxes]

You're not responsible for her happiness. She'll find it on her own with or without you. I have my wife, she follows the same things that your girlfriend wants to do which is travel and seek new adventures. I want peace and death. My wife has told me before that she doesn't need me and she's capable of living on her own. I know my wife will be fine after I'm gone because she can be free of my madness.

 

[Schopenhauer]

I understand you. My ex can't accept my decision to ctb.... I forgive her, because I know she still loves me (unlike these pro-life fuckers, who would spit in my face if they could, but still wouldn't let me ctb). However, this does prevent me from talking candidly with her. It drove us apart last week.

I still love her more than anything in the world, but I'll die anyway. I know she'll be happier without me anyway. I'm a piece of shit.

 

[Sayo]

I've been struggling with this too. I actually broke up with my partner because of it, but the problem is fundamentally the same. They are also suicidal, and it's impossible to gauge how much of it is because of me. I suspect that they are like your girlfriend in that they are not resolved yet (or have yet to complete their journey), but very afraid of being abandoned. There is little I can do about that short of not die before them...

Being together exposed those contradictions in a way that made me realise that it was genuinely very hurtful for both of us. I'm not a fan of acting based on paternalism, but my ex was very obviously in denial, and would act in a way that threatened me when the denial was challenged. To stay with me and not continue in that pattern would have forced my ex along that journey prematurely, and my ex was resisting. We had to part ways.

The thing is that our relationship was so intense in part because of suicidal codependency, which I see being an issue for you and your girlfriend too. It makes it harder because we are isolated people and don't have ordinary support networks to help cushion our losses. But this is a thing that happens in life, too; people have different goals and dreams and realise that they can't grow together at the same time. And grief is unavoidable, only in the case of suicide mitigable.

Maybe your gf will never be ready to go, and will want to live through her depression. Would you still want to go through with it?

A break is a good move, but reconciliation can prolong cycles of dependency for a long time. You never learn how to stand on your own and the stakes aren't there for it—there's no reason to endure the hardship of being a pariah when your loved one might come back. Ten years of my life I was in an on and off relationship like this, so please understand my biases here. One advantage is that you do some grieving each time. But if you go on breaks while planning to ctb, does she interpret that as mixed signals because she desperately hopes you'll operate on her timeline?

Ultimately suicide is about self-determination and imo we have to own the impacts of our actions, insofar as we have choices in our circumstances. Not for guilt but because being at peace with them lets us move forward with certainty that we are doing right by ourselves too. But a corollary of that is not borrowing extra trouble by individualising our situations unjustly. If there are people I could have lived for, it would be my brother and my partner. But my partner's world doesn't end with me despite our isolation, and we can't hold each other up any more. We have limitations.

I think you are right that a breakup followed up by within-days immediate ctb would be traumatic in a situation like this, by the way.

I understand completely what you mean about wanting peace.

 

[Miss clefable]

Same :( hugs I'm sorry

 

[RainAndSadness]

You're not responsible for her happiness. She'll find it on her own with or without you. I have my wife, she follows the same things that your girlfriend wants to do which is travel and seek new adventures. I want peace and death. My wife has told me before that she doesn't need me and she's capable of living on her own. I know my wife will be fine after I'm gone because she can be free of my madness.

I hope she will. It's really complicated because she says she wants to experience adventures but at the same time, she doesn't do anything to improve her life. She is scared to take any steps towards the right direction, she has a very low self-esteem and I feel almost like a nanny to her. She gives up on things very fast, which is the reason why she doesn't have any interests and plays video games all day instead. She wants to travel but is too scared to do it, due to social anxiety. Being in a city full of people is already too much for her. And I think if she continues like this she'll probably end up like me, frustrated and unhappy with life, waiting for death. It's exhausting for me because she seems to be very clingy and I just can't deal with that anymore. It's just too much. I hope she will redirect her focus on important things in her life and away from me, starting to change her life with the break that is going on right now. I think it's necessary, otherwise she will be sitting on me in the next 20 years. She has potential, she is a lot younger than me and I am sure she can aim towards a decent life.
She is also trans, just like me, and I am sure her transition will go well. She can started 3 years earlier than I did, that's an immense advantage and it will pay out for sure.

I understand you. My ex can't accept my decision to ctb.... I forgive her, because I know she still loves me (unlike these pro-life fuckers, who would spit in my face if they could, but still wouldn't let me ctb). However, this does prevent me from talking candidly with her. It drove us apart last week.

I still love her more than anything in the world, but I'll die anyway. I know she'll be happier without me anyway. I'm a piece of shit.

Yeah, same here. I really hope she will be happy, I feel like I'm dragging her down. And I also need my space to focus on my exit.

I've been struggling with this too. I actually broke up with my partner because of it, but the problem is fundamentally the same. They are also suicidal, and it's impossible to gauge how much of it is because of me. I suspect that they are like your girlfriend in that they are not resolved yet (or have yet to complete their journey), but very afraid of being abandoned. There is little I can do about that short of not die before them...

Being together exposed those contradictions in a way that made me realise that it was genuinely very hurtful for both of us. I'm not a fan of acting based on paternalism, but my ex was very obviously in denial, and would act in a way that threatened me when the denial was challenged. To stay with me and not continue in that pattern would have forced my ex along that journey prematurely, and my ex was resisting. We had to part ways.

The thing is that our relationship was so intense in part because of suicidal codependency, which I see being an issue for you and your girlfriend too. It makes it harder because we are isolated people and don't have ordinary support networks to help cushion our losses. But this is a thing that happens in life, too; people have different goals and dreams and realise that they can't grow together at the same time. And grief is unavoidable, only in the case of suicide mitigable.

Maybe your gf will never be ready to go, and will want to live through her depression. Would you still want to go through with it?

A break is a good move, but reconciliation can prolong cycles of dependency for a long time. You never learn how to stand on your own and the stakes aren't there for it—there's no reason to endure the hardship of being a pariah when your loved one might come back. Ten years of my life I was in an on and off relationship like this, so please understand my biases here. One advantage is that you do some grieving each time. But if you go on breaks while planning to ctb, does she interpret that as mixed signals because she desperately hopes you'll operate on her timeline?

Ultimately suicide is about self-determination and imo we have to own the impacts of our actions, insofar as we have choices in our circumstances. Not for guilt but because being at peace with them lets us move forward with certainty that we are doing right by ourselves too. But a corollary of that is not borrowing extra trouble by individualising our situations unjustly. If there are people I could have lived for, it would be my brother and my partner. But my partner's world doesn't end with me despite our isolation, and we can't hold each other up any more. We have limitations.

I think you are right that a breakup followed up by within-days immediate ctb would be traumatic in a situation like this, by the way.

I understand completely what you mean about wanting peace.

Thanks for your response. Yeah, it's very similar in my case. My girlfriend is very clingy and doesn't want to give up the relationship to me but I also think it has a lot to do with her being socially isolated. It would be easier for her if she had friends and maybe a real perspective on finding another partner. The issue is, she thinks it's impossible and that's simply not true. She is a good person and she will find someone else. And I think her thinking is the reason why she is so clingy. She is scared of being alone. And I really hope she will find someone else, someone who isn't as fucked as I am, because I can't really say I'm a good partner in my current state. I try to support her and push her into a different direction than me because my direction leads to bad things for her, to my exit and I don't want her to follow me on that path.

Regarding your question: yes I would go through with it. I can't continue and I don't see any reason to prolong the inevitable. I can't live for someone else. if I can't find a purpose or happiness in life, there is no point for me to keep going. I made peace with myself, I don't really feel regrets or sadness when I think about my death, just peace.
My brother died 8 years ago, if I could trade places, I would do it any day.