Help Friendship or lack thereof

[RwS]

Why am i excluded? I swear I must have gotten cursed or something when I was real young because i can't remember a single solid long friendship i've had since middle school. One platonic real true friend has always felt like the only type of person you could call a friend. Online friends are just too far away and uncertain, i wanna be physically close to someone and do spontaneous impulsive things and have a REAL connection, online friends might as well be dming someone else while your chatting : ( Can't believe i thought high school would be my big break, it ended up with me sitting by myself quietly or just staying home for the most part since no one wanted to talk outside of class or ever hangout. I REALLY gave it a try but ended up empty handed. It really sucks to have missed out on all those memories that you are supposed to make, and i have this feeling that any friend that i make now that is my age will already have made this memories with somebody else, making it impossible for us to be true friends. How can you possibly cope with this? Knowing that you will not be somebody elses only and (maybe a little to ambitious) FIRST friend hurts so bad. Am i being possessive? Obsessive? Maybe narcissistic, whatever the word is, cause i really can't tell. I know that this way of looking at friendship is a "red flag" but there must be someone somewhere that thinks like me.

I really really REALLY don't understand what's wrong with me, it's gotten to the point that i blame everyone else instead of looking inwards. I hate feeling like such a misanthrope whenever i see people having fun since i know in my heart i am as far away from a misanthrope as can be, but at this point i can't help but feel extreme jealousy and anger when I see someone laughing and smiling with their bff. I constantly yearn for a fresh start and that makes me doubt the innocence and high opinion i have of myself at times.
Idk anyone else feel like they have been cursed lol? Because I legit do at this point. Maybe this is more common than i think and people just bite their tongue and continue with their life but i seriously don't understand how someone could do that. I am so miserable because of this i can hardly get out of bed. We are made to express our emotions after all not hold them in.
Also i guess being a neet sure as hell don't help my situation so i'm planning on making a last effort soon that involves attending a dumb university pursuing a real dumb degree but the main goal will be making a friend. Maybe we can dropout together : ) One can dream! If that fails I don't understand how I could possibly continue living if I am forced to do so alone. The only thing keeping me alive is this last hoorah.

Anyone else feel this way when it comes to friendship? That it can only be you two and nobody else? Do any of you have a real friend or maybe friends? Good or bad? I hope you do!

btw are my ideas and what i'm saying insane? pls give me an opinion

 

[Lamentice]

It sounds like you just want someone to share life with and be understood and met by, which is fair. Does some of what you're saying sound posessive and unrealistic? Yes... to be honest. But deep, supportive friendships do exist out there, they just might not be exactly what you expect, but they will certainly be what you need.

My experience is that friendships in the teens-early & mid 20s can be very transient, and that's not negative (although definitely hurtful at times), but during these years people are still developing and going through more rapid changes and often times people just come and go--and I also just came and went from people's lives.

Friendships get more solid and fulfilling in the late 20s and/or 30s. People are more consistent & mature & know themselves better, it's just a whole different dynamic. People are also typically busier, but they're more genuine, so even though you may be seeing people less and friendships develop more slowly, they're less turbulent and more graceful.

I haven't gone to college [yet], but I've made most my friends in life through work. I see those people everyday, all day, at different times through their and mine's life while going through the stress of a chaotic work environment. Most the people I know made most their friend's through work as well. I've got plans to meet my coworkers tomorrow after their shifts. Granted, most these friendships don't survive too long once you leave a job, but some do, and those are solid friendships. I don't suggest getting a job hoping you'll make friends and then sharing every detail about yourself in an attempt to connect, people are weirded out by it, usually you just end up getting to know people naturally when you're around them so much and connections naturally form and then you end up hanging out outside of work and getting invited to things. I'm going to an anniversary celebration for friends I met at a job 2 years ago, we're not super close but they still invite me to parties and I usually don't RSVP, but every once in a while I go and it's a nice time: board games, instruments, chilling and talking and then we all go home (or sometimes a small group will want to continue the night and all go to a bar).

Anyway, I've also met friends through hobbies/activites... and that's what most people suggest, I know people who make a lot of friends in community sports or their pottery classes or whatever they do weekly, I haven't had as much success here, but I don't really do classes or sports, I'm a part of the local queer night life scene however and the connections I've made there I honestly loathe and have cut off a lot of people. Safe to say I don't really further connections in that scene anymore and intentionally keep things short with people and don't give out personal information. However, I have plans to join some dancing classes and stuff and I have more time than I did a few months ago so.. we'll see.

I don't really seek connection [anymore] and I find I don't desire it either (schizoid and all), but I put myself in a lot of different scenes and don't enjoy being cooped up in my apartment all the time so I do end up talking to people and making friends anyway. It's just kind of something that takes time and happens on its own, I also found it got better when people were more mature and everyone was more secure. Friendships with young people are honestly difficult and stressful in my opinon and in hindsight. I think there is a lot to look forward to with aging and too much pressure & confusion when you're young.

I think you should temper your expectations to make friends in college and pursue it for what's it's actually for: learning and starting a career (if that interests you), it's a lot of committment and work for something you might not care about. And I think a lot of self-sabotage comes from having the goal be to make friends rather than to just enjoy what you're doing and be present. In my experience people don't like desperation and they can sense it subconsciously a mile away. Real connections are made when you're not looking but are just living peacefully: cliche?--definitely--true?--definitely. I'm not a social person (again, schizoid and all), but I'm still not isolated and this is a place in life I got to once I reached an inner peace/security and was [and am] just doing shit in the world for the hell of it with no agenda.