Rant incoming! I have so much to say, this is me trying to hold back. Sorry if too long. I am on substances while writing as usual, so ill try my best.
:Growing up and realizing how badly my parents failed me has been a shock. Every day I have been in shock, both at things they do and things I remember they did. They are grossly incompetent at looking after other beings, and even looking after themselves. Honestly I'm kind of amazed I made it through childhood without getting in any serious accidents or trouble. They don't pay attention, they don't learn, they don't reflect on things, and they have the emotional maturity of 16 year olds. I don't know why I believed in them so much and blamed myself for so long. It's only been a couple years since I've started piecing together my parents actions and the effects they had on me.
I wonder if I was born in the wrong family. One time we had dinner with one of my parent's cousins, who is also a parent. He asked me tons of questions about myself, showed interest in my hobbies, and considered my feelings, all things my parents never did for me. I remember I was stunned when I was suddenly needing to speak so much about myself. My parents were glaring at me the whole time and I was scared of saying too much and making my parents angry, but it was really nice. I'm jealous of his kids. Maybe I was supposed to be born into that cousin's family instead and me being here is a mistake. Oh well. I wonder if he recognized my situation and my parent's behavior, and if he wanted to help. I wonder if any of the people across my life knew I was in a bad situation and pitied me.
My parents are the exact kind of people I would despise if I weren't related to them. Self important, entitled, selfish, careless. We have such different personalities, it's crazy. They are so possessive and try to force me to act like the son that they want, but I don't want that. I feel so crazy. I feel like when I tell them things, they just don't listen. They only hear what they want to hear. They never change their behavior and they always shift the blame somehwere else instead of taking accountability. They pretend soooo hard that they are nice people who care about family. They buy me excessive gifts, and constantly invite me on trips or experiences or fancy restaurants, but it's just to make them feel less lonely and to feel important to themselves. I've told them I don't care much for these things, but they do it anyways. When I pull away from them, even for a single evening, their insecurities begin to show and their ugly manipulative sides come out.
I just want to escape from them tbh. I feel guilty about it, I know they intended well, but the fact of the matter is they ruined my self confidence, and my life. They didn't beat me, or deprive me of basic necessities, but I still just want to get away. They are intruding on my life every day, smothering me. I can't be around them and be comfortable, I can't look in their eyes without anxiety, and I can't talk to them without stress. In my future, I imagine the less I would interact with them, the better. They would be devastated to hear this from me, but I can't be bothered. They were lonely purposeless people who wanted to play family, and who wanted kids that looked up to them, but they weren't able to handle the difficult parts of parenting and protected their own feelings instead of being there for their kids who needed their support. Maybe in 10-20 years, if I have a stable life, I could reach out to them to be nice and handle their BS. Not now.
I wish I realized earlier so I could have left by now. My sibling realized it on their own and managed to leave at 18. I don't know why I never left, I can't remember. That was a foolish mistake. Now I have nothing except this knowledge. No money, no friends. I am still stuck with them. I have to relearn everything about life, like socializing, self care, and working hard at things. And I have to do all this while knowing having better parents would have let me avoid all of this mess and live the life I so badly desire. uuuuggghhh.
