Friends who have also CTB

[kotonearisato]

Did anyone else have friends who have CTB? I have a few. Grief is hard, but it's also one of my biggest struggles with my own desire to CTB. I think about them often, and think about how much it completely destroyed me despite me fully understanding why they chose to go. It's hard to imagine doing that to people in my life - there's so many people that I'm sure my friends would have never guessed that were hurt because of it. I'm not stupid enough to think that wouldn't be the case for my own passing, too. On top of that, one of these friends left me a specific note where she expressed her desire for me to get better to enjoy life where she could not. I feel so guilty not being able to live up to that promise.

So I guess I'm looking for is to know how anyone else deals with that guilt. Did those you know who CTB have an effect on your own thoughts? Thanks.

 

[Adûnâi]

I know literally no one in my life, so that is not applicable xd (aside from my mom, I guess, lmao)

But there is a girl who DMed me (not on this forum), and I'm starting to feel melancholic.

I think she might be dead already

There was a girl who contacted me in Reddit DMs of all places in May 2023, we talked until she ghosted me in July, saying that she'd try to live until February. Well, now it's February, and she hasn't updated her song playlist in a few weeks, neither has she engaged online. I know, it's...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[kotonearisato]

I hope she's resting peacefully now. Thank you for sharing. There's a lot of conflicting feelings I think, in these situations, with no right answer. Melancholy makes sense.

 

[everyonesaniki]

My father also committed suicide but I don't remember him much since I was too young when it happened. Just like me he suffered from clinical depression. I wonder if my life would've been any different if he had been there when I needed someone... my mother sure as shit wasn't.

 

[Malaria]

Yep, in 2021 a friend of mine from Japan committed suicide. Apparently he did so in a very gruesome way, literally going for the seppuku method.

I have very mixed feelings about it. I don't like to judge people who take their lives because I know what it's like to be suicidal. Plus, he lived in Japan... it's a country that has a high suicide rate anyway.

But at the same time, I miss him very much and I'm sad he's gone. He told me once we he wanted to go to a convention with me, and obviously that's never going to happen because of what he did.

I think about him very often. It's hard to talk about his death with normies because they say really insensitive things like "he's a coward", etc... I'd rather not deal with having someone I care about that has passed away be insulted.

 

[CozyTime]

Hello, I understand exactly what you're feeling and going through right now.

My best friend took his life 11 years ago when I was 13, later on in my mid and late teens another friend and girlfriend passed the same way. Like you've written it absolutely crushed me fundamentally on every level when it came to who I was.

Now I don't know your age nor how long ago everything you've been through was but first off I wanna say I'm so sorry for loss. When mine happened I felt like my heart would crush itself beneath the grief and guilt but it never did. I wanted time to stand still and in a weird way it sort of did for me yet everything kept moving in front of me in the same pace as always.

I felt sick going back to my "normal" life feeling like I had to pretend that I cared about grades in highschool when some of the best people I've ever known hated themselves and suffered so much that it lead them to that.

Honestly it felt weird typing out 11 years ago but I guess time has been moving and with it I'd simply like to share some of my personal thoughts and experiences on it. I hope you can have some use of them or atleast feel like you aren't alone in the experiencing this.

Does time "fix" things? As you likely have already understood, no time doesn't fix anything really and if I'm gonna be honest the first anniversary was harder than the first week however what time does allow you to do is to come to terms with reality. You don't have to be at peace or accept it even but time gives you a chance to learn to "co-exist" with your loss.

Basically learning how to cope with it while maintaining a resemblance of a normal life, if you meet new people in the future they likely won't know you've been through anything at all. That sort of thing.

At first honestly I hated time, I hated people for pretending everything was okay. I hated that my loss meant nothing to the world and that my friends lives seemingly after a week was forgotten by people around me.

For me I'm not actively suicidal anymore and more in a permanent recovery phase, I met new people I love. Had opportunities that lead me to experiences I didn't think I'd ever have and now I even have a dream for my future.

Me and my best friend 11 years ago made a promise to eachother that if one of us died as a "kid" the other would have to stay alive to see if adult life really fixes everything. So for the majority of my teenage and adult life thats why I lived, to fulfill a promise to a child thats been dead for a decade.

After I tried CTB and feeling ashamed that I'd betray the promise I made I started having a "fuck it I'll try" kinda mentality because in the end even if everything goes to shit I can always CTB right? So why not try?

This brought me the opportunities, this brought me the experiences and alongside meeting new people that I love, I now see some light in my life again.

Sorry for my long answer, I simply feel for you a lot. When I was younger I was essentially rejected by psychologists for being a too extreme case and no one in my town were qualified enough to help. During those years I have never felt more alone so I want to tell you that if you'd like to my DM's will always be open for anything.

I hope you can find peace and an end to the suffering you're going through while remaining here with us.