friends and family think they are helping by reporting, but it just makes me withdraw more

[lriayakaihar]

I think many of us have been through this enough times to know what not to say to therapists and doctors to prevent ourselves from an involuntary psych evaluation hold. I understand how it might help someone out of a crisis when it's an impulsive act, but for many of us, it's not. I'm at the point where I've cut off all my friends and family, and I have zero support system. I've had 3 recent partial hangings, I'm not sure how close I was to ctbing. They all feel like bad dreams, where I'm very anxious and I know something is wrong and I'm trying to remember what it was. I doubt I'm out for very long, when I finally regain consciousness I'm still confused and not sure what's happening, and then I realize I'm choking. I panic, my SI instinct kicks in and I've been able to either swing my legs to the side enough to put some weight on a shelf or sink (depending on where I was), and let myself down. The last time (a few nights ago) I was hanging from a ratchet strap from a door next to my sink and I looked at my reflection after I got down and my lips were blue. I don't feel relief or regret. I don't feel much of anything. I know going inpatient won't help because I'm not trying to get better. I just want to share my experience. The dreamlike sensation is so bizarre to me, and I do wonder how much brain damage I might be causing. Every time I open up to a friend, even just about being depressed, cops show up at my house. So I guess this is me, just sharing my experience because I have no one I can talk about it to.