Venting Friend pushing me to get new job

[Gabbi_Station]

I told her I didn't want to talk about it- that a coworker just called out with COVID and I am literally getting up tomorrow at 4AM to commute and probably not getting home until 9PM (I take public transportation), and that I just wanted to have a nice time out getting a drink or coffee, and not think about it.

And she just wouldn't let up on the conversation; I told her I would think about it, or if I could do it part-time right now since I could use a second job, I would. It STILL didn't make her happy and she just kept going on and on about how I needed to quit my current job.

My boss is nice and someone just quit in June- they're still training the girl to replace her. I am not happy at my current position but I don't feel like the job she was suggesting I take would be any better.

I'm not saying she's not wrong that the way things are currently not working and I am not doing "well"; but I made it clear to her that I am really depressed and struggling. I just don't have the energy right now to interview for a new job and start back at square one, while probably dipping into my savings while I wait for my first paycheck, hoping a recession doesn't hit or I am not let go at the "new job", and still more or less living with family (probably even MORE stuck there because I just started a new job).

I just wish someone would cut me some slack and see that I am really trying. I'm just tired of feeling like my life is everyone telling me that I'm fucking up.

In some ways…it just makes me want to kill myself more. I feel like friends and family don't understand that I just can't take one more criticisms or negative remarks. That I am already at my limit. I just wish someone could be nice to me for just five minutes. Just five minutes of someone saying something nice to me

 

[landslide2]

Not saying to take it, but having an option generally is a good thing. Nothing says you have to even take the job, but getting more detailed info and then deciding might be prudent.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Not saying to take it, but having an option generally is a good thing. Nothing says you have to even take the job, but getting more detailed info and then deciding might be prudent.

Idk- that was the irritating thing, I didn't even say "no". I just said "let's talk about it on the weekend; just let me get through this week".

I regrettably kind of ended up blowing up and getting short with her; I texted her apologizing and said that I didn't mean to get upset…

But I just wish sometimes she would listen to me; I know she means well, but I kept telling her, today isn't a good day to talk about it.

And honestly I feel like this job isn't going to be any better. She even admitted a bunch of people basically quit and they're desperate for hirers, when I mentioned that I didn't think I had the background for it to even be considered. She's said she gets a bonus for bringing in new hirers, which I kind of feel like is what is partially motivating the push; I don't think it's malicious but it does kind of annoy me that I am depressed and I feel like she's unconsciously taking advantage of that.

I just feel like I am at my limit and can't keep my head above water anymore. On my days off- all I do is sit around my house and sleep. I just feel like I am pushing and pushing myself; just waiting until I crack and cbt.

 

[landslide2]

It's hard when you have little in the tank, at times barely getting u through the days. And then another decision to deal with can just feel even more draining. Ur friend should chill out a little, they mean well but people sometimes aren't good at reading the room.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

It's hard when you have little in the tank, at times barely getting u through the days. And then another decision to deal with can just feel even more draining. Ur friend should chill out a little, they mean well but people sometimes aren't good at reading the room.

Yeah- I know they're worried because I mentioned my past attempt a few weeks ago, and admitted that I didn't want to hurt them, but I didn't know if I could go on anymore.

They mentioned tonight that I seem to be "calling out for help"; but truthfully…I think I just wanted to warn them. I wanted to give them a heads up that I don't think I can do another year of this, when I mentioned it a couple weeks ago.

It's not the job- it everything. I have just ran out of steam. My life has been frankly, really unhappy since I was five years old. I have tried all that I can and at 32, I just can't bare to try again. I feel like all I really have is pain and death anymore.

I don't want to hurt them or at least not give them a heads up/catch them by total surprise …but I just think this is my last year. I just can't do it anymore

 

[landslide2]

Over the years, I have signaled to people about my ideation. I have to admit some of that signaling was a cry for help as they say. Our SI works on many levels, this I believe is one when our depression, sadness, pain just become so much we don't know what to do with it or ourselves.

I think I've learned that I can't really prepare anyone else for my ctb. I did become a recluse after letting people know of my struggles, left some really close small group of friends I had known since childhood through my early 30s. People would often be surprised how close we were and still friends given that we met in elementary, MS and HS. But my depression just really sank in so I didn't want to keep putting them through my struggles. I was also in a good, almost five-years long relationship with someone who thought we were gonna get married. I left that too, my depression just became too much and I've been single/alone by choice ever since, almost 15yrs ago now. I don't want to hurt anyone and after being alone for so long, I don't even know how to be with someone else. SI more anything, but also some family has kept me around. But I too feel like my time is coming up, just seems like a lot to change at this point.

But friends are a good thing, I hope you are able to maintain that for as long as u can. I know very well what it feels like to just get through the days energy wise and crashing when i would get home from work and sleeping late on the weekend!

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Over the years, I have signaled to people about my ideation. I have to admit some of that signaling was a cry for help as they say. Our SI works on many levels, this I believe is one when our depression, sadness, pain just become so much we don't know what to do with it or ourselves.

I think I've learned that I can't really prepare anyone else for my ctb. I did become a recluse after letting people know of my struggles, left some really close small group of friends I had known since childhood through my early 30s. People would often be surprised how close we were and still friends given that we met in elementary, MS and HS. But my depression just really sank in so I didn't want to keep putting them through my struggles. I was also in a good, almost five-years long relationship with someone who thought we were gonna get married. I left that too, my depression just became too much and I've been single/alone by choice ever since, almost 15yrs ago now. I don't want to hurt anyone and after being alone for so long, I don't even know how to be with someone else. SI more anything, but also some family has kept me around. But I too feel like my time is coming up, just seems like a lot to change at this point.

But friends are a good thing, I hope you are able to maintain that for as long as u can. I know very well what it feels like to just get through the days energy wise and crashing when i would get home from work and sleeping late on the weekend!

Yeah- I lost most of my friends and truthfully I am not always the best judge of character. I know I tend to be too trusting and often get taken advantage of as consequence. My closest ex best friend , who is an alcoholic, said some pretty hurtful things a year ago when my depression was really bad. She texted me to hangout a few weeks ago but I canceled last minute- not so much out of anger, but because I just don't think I am stable enough to take her remarks.

My other friends more or less dropped me after years of going through ups and downs with my depression.

I kind of know this friend is the only friend I have left, but honestly I feel like she's getting sick of me too these last couple of years- especially after she entered a new relationship

 

[landslide2]

I had another friend who I reacquainted some years back who is an alcoholic and this year went into recovery. But I realized something after a recent interaction. There was never any space to talk about my struggles, which they knew of. Always just talking about their stuff. Then recently they asked me about my struggles and I opened up and they just trashed and belittled me. They took what i shared, and only saw themself in it and their own failings. I finally told them adios because it dawned on me that on the whole, this was the most self-absorbed person I had ever known up close. i literally would've been better off not knowing them looking back at the time spent and how much i gave and how much they just used me.

I had another lifelong friend drop me not long ago, someone I met in the first grade, because my mental health was just too much for them to deal with They also met someone when i was on the decline during the pandemic. I understand and can't really blame them, but it also hurts.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Yeah- I lost most of my friends and truthfully I am not always the best judge of character. I know I tend to be too trusting and often get taken advantage of as consequence. My closest friend, who is an alcoholic, said some pretty hurtful things a year ago when my depression was really bad. She texted me to hangout a few weeks ago but I canceled last minute- not so much out of anger, but because I just don't think I am stable enough to take her remarks.

My other friends more or less dropped me after years of going through ups and downs with my depression.

She's kind of my only friend left, but honestly I feel like she's getting sick of me too these last couple of years- especially after she entered a new relationship

I had another friend who I reacquainted some years back who is an alcoholic and this year went into recovery. But I realized something after a recent interaction. There was never any space to talk about my struggles, which they knew of. Always just talking about their stuff. Then recently they asked me about my struggles and I opened up and they just trashed and belittled me. They took what i shared, and only saw themself in it and their own failings. I finally told them adios because it dawned on me that on the whole, this was the most self-absorbed person I had ever known up close. i literally would've been better off not knowing them looking back at the time spent and how much i gave and how much they just used me.

I had another lifelong friend drop me not long ago, someone I met in the first grade, because my mental health was just too much for them to deal with They also met someone when i was on the decline during the pandemic. I understand and can't really blame them, but it also hurts.

Yeah- that was more or less my problem with my alcoholic friend; I spent years caring for them when they were too depressed to get out of bed, but the minute I admitted that I was struggling they just put me down and ridiculed me for it. I just can't work up the ability to see her after what happened; it just really hurt my feelings and I decided that I already grew up with an uncaring family, I don't need any more people putting me down in my life.

A lot of my old friendship have just kind of fallen through- I tended to party when in my teens and twenties to avoid my home life/used it as a coping mechanism and befriended a lot of people with substance abuse issues. I don't blame them for their addictions but I do realize it led to me having a lot of unhealthy and unhappy friendships.

 

[landslide2]

No one gonna blame u for those lingering feelings of aversion from that friend. I certainly feel no guilt for finally removing myself from that one-sided 'friendship'. I would just say that the friend you're speaking about in terms of the job, I don't think we can really prepare anyone for ctb. And we often need someone to talk to about all the pain we're carrying, but it can become too much for the other person, so becomes a bad cycle that leads to a frayed relationship. It's hard..,

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think you can say politely that- you know they are saying it because they care- and you appreciate that. Also, that they could be right and maybe you will take their advice one day. But for now, it isn't helping you. It's just putting more pressure on you. This is something you feel you're going to need to sort out yourself when things make sense to you. I think it's fair to say that. Then, try to change the subject!

I get it too by the way. I've realised that in some ways, I invite it in though. My Dad will ask how work is going- because work is pretty much all I do. I'll say I'm struggling. It's taking too long etc. And really, there isn't much he can say back that will help: 'You're going to need to get quicker' puts pressure on me and it's obviously something I already know. 'You always say that and you always get the work done' is pretty dismissive. 'I wish I could come and help you' is kind but, I wouldn't accept it anyway. It's gotten to the point where it's easier just to say 'fine- everything's fine.' I think that's why we all fob people off with 'everything's fine' because the responses to what we really want to say will likely only make us feel worse!

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

I think you can say politely that- you know they are saying it because they care- and you appreciate that. Also, that they could be right and maybe you will take their advice one day. But for now, it isn't helping you. It's just putting more pressure on you. This is something you feel you're going to need to sort out yourself when things make sense to you. I think it's fair to say that. Then, try to change the subject!

I get it too by the way. I've realised that in some ways, I invite it in though. My Dad will ask how work is going- because work is pretty much all I do. I'll say I'm struggling. It's taking too long etc. And really, there isn't much he can say back that will help: 'You're going to need to get quicker' puts pressure on me and it's obviously something I already know. 'You always say that and you always get the work done' is pretty dismissive. 'I wish I could come and help you' is kind but, I wouldn't accept it anyway. It's gotten to the point where it's easier just to say 'fine- everything's fine.' I think that's why we all fob people off with 'everything's fine' because the responses to what we really want to say will likely only make us feel worse!

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Yeah, I tried last night to change the subject/ask if we could talk about this Sunday, since I was going to get up really early the next day. She just kept pushing, basically saying I needed to make a decision and apply soon- which frankly I wouldn't have been able to apply anyway until Sunday since I am working/don't get home late anyway

Sometimes she just pushes and won't listen to what people are asking. I think people who don't have depression/a lot of stress understand that some days you just don't have bandwidth for the conversation in the moment.

Yeah- I more or less have the same problem; works all anyone can really talk to me about

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I tried last night to change the subject/ask if we could talk about this Sunday, since I was going to get up really early the next day. She just kept pushing, basically saying I needed to make a decision and apply soon- which frankly I wouldn't have been able to apply anyway until Sunday since I am working/don't get home late anyway

Sometimes she just pushes and won't listen to what people are asking. I think people who don't have depression/a lot of stress understand that some days you just don't have bandwidth for the conversation in the moment.

Yeah- I more or less have the same problem; works all anyone can really talk to me about

Maybe you need to go further and say this kind of talk is actually making you feel much worse. It might hurt her initially but, maybe it will get her off your back for a bit.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Maybe you need to go further and say this kind of talk is actually making you feel much worse. It might hurt her initially but, maybe it will get her off your back for a bit.

Yeah- she's not talking to me now after I got upset