Venting Friday is my birthday

[illAF]

Friday is my birthday. For months I've told myself I would be gone before the end of the year, ideally before my birthday. But I've been on and off with suicidal ideas these days. Trying to get back on life, telling myself maybe I could wait a little more, trying not to come back on Sasu (and always coming back in the end).

But tonight, I really wish I could be able to ctb on Friday. Just one anniversary for my family instead of two, it could be nice for them, no ?
Tonight, I'm sad. I'm stuck. With this life I never asked for, this life that I would have dreamt so different. Tonight I'm also drunk. Usually, when I'm drunk, I'm more confident into life. But Tonight, I'm drunk and suicidal as fuck.
I really wish I could be able to ctb on Friday.
But I know myself just too much. I won't be able to do it. Again and again. I tried so many times. Never had the courage to go through all the process.
But it would be so nice, to be dead on Friday.

(Sorry, I just wrote all this as it came to my mind and I won't re-read it before posting it, I needed that to come out - and, in addition, I'm not a native English speaker).

 

[Unattainable666]

Friday is my birthday. For months I've told myself I would be gone before the end of the year, ideally before my birthday. But I've been on and off with suicidal ideas these days. Trying to get back on life, telling myself maybe I could wait a little more, trying not to come back on Sasu (and always coming back in the end).

But tonight, I really wish I could be able to ctb on Friday. Just one anniversary for my family instead of two, it could be nice for them, no ?
Tonight, I'm sad. I'm stuck. With this life I never asked for, this life that I would have dreamt so different. Tonight I'm also drunk. Usually, when I'm drunk, I'm more confident into life. But Tonight, I'm drunk and suicidal as fuck.
I really wish I could be able to ctb on Friday.
But I know myself just too much. I won't be able to do it. Again and again. I tried so many times. Never had the courage to go through all the process.
But it would be so nice, to be dead on Friday.

(Sorry, I just wrote all this as it came to my mind and I won't re-read it before posting it, I needed that to come out - and, in addition, I'm not a native English speaker).

I understand how you feel.

 

[illAF]

I understand how you feel.

If you want to speak more about that, you're welcome to. If not, thank-you for having shared that with me. In any case, courage, this is so hard...

 

[Unattainable666]

If you want to speak more about that, you're welcome to. If not, thank-you for having shared that with me. In any case, courage, this is so hard...

I'm sure my story is much like others on this site. Raised by a narcissistic mother, absent father. Mentally, emotionally abused my entire childhood. What the bitch told me over and over made a deep impression into adulthood. Now I'm older (than most on this site) and have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. I wear my feelings on my shoulder, I allow people to abuse me and reject me because I have no self esteem. To sum it up I literally hate my life and I hate breathing. I want to die to relieve the pain Im in

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly very much understandable just wanting to be permanently free from all the suffering but anyway I wish you the best.