Resource Friday I CTB, current thoughts thread

[lastdance]

Hey, I just thought it'd be a good idea to document my thoughts and feelings throughout the week as I plan to CTB.

I plan to use SN in a hotel on Friday night.

Currently I'm thinking about tidying my room so it's easy to move my stuff out and maybe the message I'm going to put in my friends group chat.

I'm thinking once I've drunk it I'll put: 'Ty :)'
Maybe add a <3 but idk

I've also scouted out hotels yesterday and know which one, just have to book it.

Honestly just feel calm and relieved, there's a big project at work that people are stressing about but I'm just chill, kinda like a superpower lol

I plan to update this thread frequently leading up to and on the day, hopefully it'll be interesting to someone in the future.

Feel free to ask anything and Ty :)

 

[lastdance]

I'm thinking about rewriting my note, I'm finding it really difficult to put into words how I feel

I might not even say why I did it, just say I'm happier now

I also have to put on a bit of a poker face and play along when I'm discussing future work or plans with people.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that it must be a relief to feel so calm about everything. I wish you the best in whatever happens, I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry that you have to go and do this, I understand it must be difficult. I checked messages you wrote on this forum and you haven't shared much about what's happening in your life and why it came to this. If you don't feel like sharing that's fine. But it would be interesting to get to know you just a bit and what brought you here. Anyway, wish you well!

 

[lastdance]

Just rewrote my note
Really made me step back and face reality, is this something that you really really want to do.

Thought about it for around 10 minutes before deciding, yes I do.
It still wasn't the easiest to write but I think I did ok.

To answer why, I've been depressed and having suicidal thoughts for ~10 years now, always said to myself try now and you can do it when you're older.
Now I'm older I've tried a variety of things and I'm so tired of trying.
Hopefully I'll be at peace by Saturday morning

Just booked the hotel for Friday (30mins later)
Again it was hard to do but now my adrenaline is pumping and I'm excited for the day

 

[lumberdaren]

Hey there i started having doubts about SN and any other method recently. I got a handful of 1kg SN and other meds that i need. And i tested the purity of it, 99%. But somehow i start to hesitate. I am not sure it really will kill me, at least not in a relatively less painful way. Somehow i was stuck in the thought that a human life is not that fragile to end. But i know humans are fragile for a truth. Idk man, i am stuck in contradicting thoughts i really dont know if i should ctb now. Maybe i could wait for the N to arrive. Idk, i am so confused.

 

[lastdance]

Hey there i started having doubts about SN and any other method recently. I got a handful of 1kg SN and other meds that i need. And i tested the purity of it, 99%. But somehow i start to hesitate. I am not sure it really will kill me, at least not in a relatively less painful way. Somehow i was stuck in the thought that a human life is not that fragile to end. But i know humans are fragile for a truth. Idk man, i am stuck in contradicting thoughts i really dont know if i should ctb now. Maybe i could wait for the N to arrive. Idk, i am so confused.

Doesn't sound like you're certain, you shouldn't do it

 

[butterfly🦋]

Hey there i started having doubts about SN and any other method recently. I got a handful of 1kg SN and other meds that i need. And i tested the purity of it, 99%. But somehow i start to hesitate. I am not sure it really will kill me, at least not in a relatively less painful way. Somehow i was stuck in the thought that a human life is not that fragile to end. But i know humans are fragile for a truth. Idk man, i am stuck in contradicting thoughts i really dont know if i should ctb now. Maybe i could wait for the N to arrive. Idk, i am so confused.

I'm feeling the same way after I read about some SN failures and about some people that was with some who did cbt from SN. Their experiences didn't seem totally painless which frightens me. It would be different if I knew it would be painless. You don't seem sure either so I'd say don't do it. I hate that you as well as I feel this is the only way out. Hopefully you may find reasons not to do it. I wish you the best whatever you decide.

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

I'm feeling the same way after I read about some SN failures and about some people that was with some who did cbt from SN. Their experiences didn't seem totally painless which frightens me. It would be different if I knew it would be painless. You don't seem sure either so I'd say don't do it. I hate that you as well as I feel this is the only way out. Hopefully you may find reasons not to do it. I wish you the best whatever you decide.

I don't think it's painless either, but it seems fast and effective enough that it'll still be worth it (for me, in my situation. Maybe not others).

For what it's worth, everyone seems to describe it more as uncomfortable or sickening than painful. So that's a small comfort.

I wish there was a bit more open discussion on it - I've seen some users here claiming that anyone who says it isn't painless is some prolifer shill or whatever horseshit. It's so gross - there should be completely honest discussion on something like this without accusations because doing that is just going to result in hurt and confused people who aren't prepared for the discomfort. Everyone should know what they're walking into and be prepared so they aren't scared or caught off guard.

 

[butterfly🦋]

I don't think it's painless either, but it seems fast and effective enough that it'll still be worth it (for me, in my situation. Maybe not others).

For what it's worth, everyone seems to describe it more as uncomfortable or sickening than painful. So that's a small comfort.

I wish there was a bit more open discussion on it - I've seen some users here claiming that anyone who says it isn't painless is some prolifer shill or whatever horseshit. It's so gross - there should be completely honest discussion on something like this without accusations because doing that is just going to result in hurt and confused people who aren't prepared for the discomfort. Everyone should know what they're walking into and be prepared so they aren't scared or caught off guard.

I found a link a few days ago when I did a search and there were stories of successes and failures of those who did cbt or tried to cbt from using SN. It was quite an eye opener and those who watched some go said they looked in distress. Those who failed told a little about how they felt before they either called for help or were found by someone. I wish I would have kept the link. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to find it again. At least those who didn't succeed were alright and seemed to have no long term affects after recovery.

 

[Shu]

I found a link a few days ago when I did a search and there were stories of successes and failures of those who did cbt or tried to cbt from using SN. It was quite an eye opener and those who watched some go said they looked in distress. Those who failed told a little about how they felt before they either called for help or were found by someone. I wish I would have kept the link. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to find it again. At least those who didn't succeed were alright and seemed to have no long term affects after recovery.

Those success and failures are all from 2020. There have have tons of people that have done it since. Very few mention it being painful at all. They normally mentioned "feeling hot/dizzy/nausea/ringing in ears" that's what I seem to see the most of. Also heart beating very fast. I don't even hear much if headache but maybe they don't report it because of what they're going through.

I found a link a few days ago when I did a search and there were stories of successes and failures of those who did cbt or tried to cbt from using SN. It was quite an eye opener and those who watched some go said they looked in distress. Those who failed told a little about how they felt before they either called for help or were found by someone. I wish I would have kept the link. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to find it again. At least those who didn't succeed were alright and seemed to have no long term affects after recovery.

All you have to so is search "success Google docs" in search bar and search through post

 

[αmber]

I have also set my date to May 20th. I feel a little anxious as the days draw closer.

 

[lastdance]

Just an update
Smoked a joint last night, always puts me in a different headspace.
There was a period of about 5 mins where I freaked out about what I was going to do. But the other 98% of the time I was at peace with dieing which is nice.
Just kinda riding out this last week, not trying particularly hard just chilling and keeping up appearances.
Debating whether I should smoke before I CTB dno if I should. But that's about it, in a pretty ok mood this morning. Gotta finish packing up my room only did half yesterday.

 

[AreWeWinning]

Just an update
Smoked a joint last night, always puts me in a different headspace.
There was a period of about 5 mins where I freaked out about what I was going to do. But the other 98% of the time I was at peace with dieing which is nice.
Just kinda riding out this last week, not trying particularly hard just chilling and keeping up appearances.
Debating whether I should smoke before I CTB dno if I should. But that's about it, in a pretty ok mood this morning. Gotta finish packing up my room only did half yesterday.

If you're serious about it, I think you shouldn't smoke. You can make better decisions when sober, and your willpower will be at it's best too.

Anyway, thanks for the thread, I'm looking forward to see how your journey turns out.

I've been going back and forth between "I've decided I'll definitely do it" and "I'll just wait out a little bit longer and see what happens." It's interesting to see how my feelings change over time. From struggling to making the decision --> to deciding I'll do it --> to being very scared and sad, but still wanting to do it --> deciding to wait because I'm too scared/sad about it --> still scared, but feeling relieved or even happy about finally ending it, feeling calm --> back to wanting to wait a little longer. And these go around in a loop.

Have you experienced any of these feelings recently or before?

 

[lastdance]

If you're serious about it, I think you shouldn't smoke. You can make better decisions when sober, and your willpower will be at it's best too.

Anyway, thanks for the thread, I'm looking forward to see how your journey turns out.

I've been going back and forth between "I've decided I'll definitely do it" and "I'll just wait out a little bit longer and see what happens." It's interesting to see how my feelings change over time. From struggling to making the decision --> to deciding I'll do it --> to being very scared and sad, but still wanting to do it --> deciding to wait because I'm too scared/sad about it --> still scared, but feeling relieved or even happy about finally ending it, feeling calm --> back to wanting to wait a little longer. And these go around in a loop.

Have you experienced any of these feelings recently or before?

Thanks
I'm certain 95% of the time the other 5% is me questioning do you really want to do this. I always end up at the same answer so I'm pretty confident on what I want to do.

Definitely at the start I flip flopped between the two but I guess over time (at least with me) you become more confident on what you want.

 

[comfortblanket]

Thanks for sharing your experience and week thus far. Did you do a lot of preparation?

I'll be thinking of you, I hope you get what you need as far as support goes as the day gets closer.

Good news is you can always change your mind, and that you have a way when you feel completely ready if that's what you decide.

 

[lastdance]

Thanks for sharing your experience and week thus far. Did you do a lot of preparation?

I'll be thinking of you, I hope you get what you need as far as support goes as the day gets closer.

Good news is you can always change your mind, and that you have a way when you feel completely ready if that's what you decide.

Np
Yeah I've done lots of prep
Visited family and friends recently, gave people some nice gifts.
Got all additional medication ready.
In the process of packing away my things in my room so it's easier to move.
And yeah I can always change my mind, I was a bit hesitant and had some doubts when I wrote my letter again and before I booked my hotel but I just thought about it made sure I was certain and continued

 

[lastdance]

Wednesday morning update.
Thinking about it makes me excited and I can't wait
My biggest fear right now is when the time comes I won't be able to go through with it.
Spent most of yesterday thinking about it makeing sure I was certain. The answer is always yes.
Started planning out when I want to CTB and working backwards so I know what pills to take at what time. Hopefully late afternoon on Friday so I guess I'll start late afternoon today.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I hope you find your forever peace Friday. If you change your mind that's also okay too, don't feel pressured by anything or anyone. Be safe<3

 

[lastdance]

I hope you find your forever peace Friday. If you change your mind that's also okay too, don't feel pressured by anything or anyone. Be safe<3

Haha thanks
The only person I feel pressure from is myself lol I am 100% ready, I don't want to suffer anymore, and I don't want to back out last minute

 

[lastdance]

Having a pretty ok day so far. So definitely some mixed thoughts happening but one ok day doesn't outway all the shitty one's that have and will happen.
I figure someone will correct me but I'm a slim 60kg guy. I'm planning a dose of 21g of SN I think this is reasonable. The extra bit just to account for any additives in there.

 

[lastdance]

Measured out 2, 20g containers of SN and performed a blood test. Didn't get as much blood as I would like but I think it looks good enough.

Got invited to a party this weekend, said to them it's a 50/50. Feels kinda weird lol.
In reality I think there's a 95% chance I CTB, maybe even higher but also I don't know how I'll be in the moment so I guess we'll see.

Also took my first metoclopramide pill so hopefully my body can get used to that by Friday afternoon

 

[ItHurtsSoMuch]

Measured out 2, 20g containers of SN and performed a blood test. Didn't get as much blood as I would like but I think it looks good enough.

Got invited to a party this weekend, said to them it's a 50/50. Feels kinda weird lol.
In reality I think there's a 95% chance I CTB, maybe even higher but also I don't know how I'll be in the moment so I guess we'll see.

Also took my first metoclopramide pill so hopefully my body can get used to that by Friday afternoon

I had planned for May 29th. As it gets closer, conflicts are coming up, stuff I didn't count on. I'm certain I want to do this. The benefit for those I love would more than outweigh any sadness they might have, although truthfully, probably not much sadness for them anyway. I don't want to be at home to do this, so was planning on a hotel, but looks like I need to be home this weekend. And I'm planning on high doses of opiates, just go to sleep and keep on sleeping. I always hoped I wouldn't die alone, but the person who said she would be with me when I couldn't take it any longer died of a stroke, and I have no one else that I can ask to be with me. I definitely understand about the poker face. No one knows how I feel, what I'm thinking, and I think it's best it stays that way. I hope you find peace whether you CTB or decide to stay, but if you're not sure, remember you can always wait until later. There's always another bus.

 

[butterfly🦋]

I found a link a few days ago when I did a search and there were stories of successes and failures of those who did cbt or tried to cbt from using SN. It was quite an eye opener and those who watched some go said they looked in distress. Those who failed told a little about how they felt before they either called for help or were found by someone. I wish I would have kept the link. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to find it again. At least those who didn't succeed were alright and seemed to have no long term affects after recovery.

Anyone have any idea what happens after a failed SN attempt? I mean being sent to psych ward after the 72 hour hold. The thought of being in a psych ward for weeks bothers me. Even more reason why I now do think I'll use SN without an AE.

 

[comfortblanket]

Thinking of you today lastdance

 

[lastdance]

Thinking of you today lastdance

I'm gonna try
Yesterday and today are full of different emotions
I don't plan to check this much leading up to it but hopefully in around 3-4 hours

Thanks :)

 

[wljourney]

I'm gonna try
Yesterday and today are full of different emotions
I don't plan to check this much leading up to it but hopefully in around 3-4 hours

Thanks :)

Wishing you well. Whichever way you decide. Peace and love.

 

[dustyfurcollector]

I'm gonna try
Yesterday and today are full of different emotions
I don't plan to check this much leading up to it but hopefully in around 3-4 hours

Thanks :)

I wish you the best outcome for your life. It's ok to choose not to, too. You don't HAVE to ctb just bc you said you would. If you're sure, I wish you peace.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I hope you found what you were looking for! If you are still here, update if possible! And if it turns out you are going to stay with us a little longer it's okay! Don't feel bad, drink some water and take a bath<3

 

[Shu]

They came into chat earlier this morning after they drank it.. May they find peace.