Former normies: What derailed your life and brought you here to this place of purgatory?

[Ambivalent1]

.

 

[denjiwillsaveme]

Growing up. the whole concpet of having responsibilities and learning to communicate was fucking me over and I never really was happy but it was a fake personality that I was protating to myself and others and when I realized I was actually sad (due to experinceing life) I started to really hate myself and not really want to be around people. Plus I have underlineing mental issues that I HAD to discover but I guess I was never normal I was just trying to please others while lying to myself.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

Antipsychotics the absolute worst drug in the world. It switched off every emotion and feeling along with depleting my energy levels to zero. I also couldn't do anything except lay down and rest for about 3 months.

Because of all this I had too much time alone with my thoughts and realized so much stuff about the world and how bad it truly is to live in it.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Antipsychotics the absolute worst drug in the world. It switched off every emotion and feeling along with depleting my energy levels to zero. I also couldn't do anything except lay down and rest for about 3 months.

Because of all this I had too much time alone with my thoughts and realized so much stuff about the world and how bad it truly is to live in it.

Did you take abilify? What insights came to you?

 

[アホペンギン]

Originally, it was depression and very low self esteem caused by academic pressure and I had anxiety as well which led me to joining SS when it got serious, but now its so much more and that would probably be an understatement in my case…

Ever since I failed SN in September or whenever it happened, things have only gone downhill for me. My mental health has deteriorated and since then I have gotten diagnosed with bpd, a shit load of different anxieties (social anxiety, panic disorder, separation anxiety, selective mutism (which is obvious that I have)), major depression, ptsd from being abused and bullied (I don't want to talk about the bullying and this is the first time I ever brought it up to anyone and it was bad) and schizophrenia… I am constantly overwhelmed by my emotions and suffering, in a state of misery, paranoid, panicky, I have panic attacks and mental breakdowns daily even if nothing is happening and so much pressure is on me right now from the fear of sn becoming unavailable for individuals. I can't describe with words the full extent of my suffering. Most of the time I want to scream and bang my head against the wall in hopes it will distract me or something, and now I'm addicted to SH. My body looks disgusting.

My physical health has deteriorated too (not as much as other members here though, and I really do pity them), I probably have some bone problem now that gives me bodily weakness, gives me constant bone aching, and makes it difficult to walk and because of my anxiety and paranoia I'm too afraid to talk about it to the doctors even though they're right here (I'm in a psych ward). I recently developed sleep disturbances and most of the time it is very hard to fall asleep and thats the only true relief from all my suffering. My nausea also worsened. And most of the time I'm exhausted.

My tolerance for all this shit that I have to deal with has also gone down enormously. Every day is hell and it only gets worse and worse.
There is also no way of me ever getting sn any time soon because my "family" probably loves to see me suffer. I lost all freedoms, I have no control over MY money, I can't even go outside by myself anymore, and I'm convinced that they've installed cameras in my room.

On top of all this shit I have a very negative outlook on life and I see no point in continuing to suffer for the sake of "recovery" if there's the possibility that this could happen again or even worse. Maybe I could get a disability, or chronic pain, maybe a disease, the possibilities are endless. Theres no point in enduring in my case if extreme suffering is always a possibility and considering my bad luck it is a real possibility. Just kill me already.
This life always finds ways to fuck with me yet I'm forced to stay here, and nothing ever improves.

Sorry if this is disorganized I am disorganized because of anxiety and whatever I am will reflect onto my messages.

Antipsychotics the absolute worst drug in the world. It switched off every emotion and feeling along with depleting my energy levels to zero. I also couldn't do anything except lay down and rest for about 3 months.

Because of all this I had too much time alone with my thoughts and realized so much stuff about the world and how bad it truly is to live in it.

The same happens to me (when I actually take my antipsychotics). I hate meds.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

Did you take abilify? What insights came to you?

No, I got injected with invega sustenna against my will. I stopped believing in God because I thought how could something so awful happen to me for no reason, then from there I started questioning the meaning of life and found that there's no reason why any liferform exists just to die in at some point anyway.

If I wasn't religious maybe I wouldn't have cared, but having believed there's a Heaven and afterlife for 30 years then have it all come crashing down really messes with your mind. I used to believe some things happened for a reason now I know it's just all random and I have no hope anymore.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not sure I've ever been that 'normal'. I think probably my Mum dieing when I was 3 and then growing up with a (suspected) narcissist screwed me up from the start! I can't really remember not thinking like I do now.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Normality (at least in regards to the specific image of it presented by wider society) is a lie. Normie is just a term used in other to other people and that's it. Most people fail to fully fit into the expectations put on us. The picture of the average person, family, and community that is presented to us is a lie. Most people come from dysfunctional households, but only a few acknowledge it and even fewer are open about it. Everyone constantly talks about having trouble with feeling like they fit in or feeling like they have to repress aspects of themselves to blend in with the crowd because no one is a "normie". Everyone has their own set of quirks and struggles.

 

[xinino]

Playing with fire, playing with taboo. I am hardwired radical.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I had my first PTSD onset last year after gaining weight on my own from a major relapse with my ED, after I was threatened with institutionalization. My life was already shitty before that, but after my PTSD onset everything truly fell apart. And it's not like I haven't tried to get better. I've spent a lot of time and money on therapy. I've left an abusive relationship. I've put up boundaries against most people in my life.

I have no plans to CTB in the foreseeable future, but knowing that it's always an option brings me peace and gets me through the day.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

How do you define "normie" here - someone who is not suicidal at all?

I reached here after many years of failures after my big failure in life a few years ago. The big failure in life killed me, so to say.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I had my first PTSD onset last year after gaining weight on my own from a major relapse with my ED, after I was threatened with institutionalization. My life was already shitty before that, but after my PTSD onset everything truly fell apart. And it's not like I haven't tried to get better. I've spent a lot of time and money on therapy. I've left an abusive relationship. I've put up boundaries against most people in my life.

I have no plans to CTB in the foreseeable future, but knowing that it's always an option brings me peace and gets me through the day.

Did EMDR not work?

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I was never a normie to begin with. I had the ability to understand things about society that other people could not at that age. I realised that adulthood is miserable and that the other people who thought adulthood was nice are either stupid or ignorant

 

[Ambivalent1]

I was never a normie to begin with. I had the ability to understand things about society that other people could not at that age. I realised that adulthood is miserable and that the other people who thought adulthood was nice are either stupid or ignorant

When I was a young , I saw how miserable adults were and how they would play pretend happy for the kids' sakes. I didn't realize how slimy they were with one another until I became an adult. Adults are shit to other adults. A lifetime of this sounds excruciating.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Did EMDR not work?

My insurance benefits ran out at this point so I have to pay out of pocket for any treatment. I have a job that pays decently well, but I live in a high cost of living area so paying for therapy is definitely not nothing to me. Free services have a long waiting list and I've never had good results from them.

I did try EMDR. However, I gave up after realizing that I'm simply not going to get better if I stay in contact with my abusive parents. I've been financially independent from them for years but my dog lives with them because I can't keep my dog at my place. I love my dog more than anything in the world, enough to willingly keep in touch with my parents and visit them regularly. I did cut contact with my parents for a while when I first moved out and the guilt of abandoning my dog ate me alive. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't know if EMDR would have worked in the first place, but I know that I love my dog and want to do right by her.

It's my belief that no form of therapy to treat PTSD is going to work if the patient is still continuously being retraumatized. I'm not sure if it's 100% true and I'm not a mental health professional, but based on my experiences I think that's a reasonable hypothesis.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

An onset of circumstances derailed my life: bullying, family deaths (mother, grandmother, cat), father's horrible girlfriends, psychosis, painful breakup, loneliness, family problems.

I remember quite well the time when I was happy, before I was 13, when my mom was alive, we were a happy family and I felt like life was joyful and meaningful.

The quiet, shy and artistic girl with endless patience and desire to create became a pessimistic, self assured, depressed individual that lives every day going through the motions begging for crumbs of happiness.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Becoming ill at age 30 with no diagnosis or help. This bizarre smorgasbord of symptoms has rendered me unrelatable and struggling to lead a normal life.

 

[sserafim]

I was never a normie to begin with. I had the ability to understand things about society that other people could not at that age. I realised that adulthood is miserable and that the other people who thought adulthood was nice are either stupid or ignorant

Same. I was never a normie, nor have I ever wanted to be one. Ever since I was a kid, I never wanted to grow up. I never looked forward to becoming an adult like the other kids did. They were all brainwashed, but I was not. I realized from an early age that adulthood is modern day slavery and all about working just to survive. Being an adult is working your life away until you die.

 

[final_countdown12]

A perfect combination of the worsening of my mental illness (bipolar 2, insomnia) and general life failure in most fronts (career, romantic life, financial).

 

[thenamingofcats]

For me it was having to constantly fight external circumstances to survive the day. Years of that constant uphill climb exhausted me. It got to the point I was scared of getting out of bed because I was afraid of the new challenges I would be facing. It feels like a series of rogue waves have washed out my life. I used to be a fighter but everyone gets tired eventually if they don't get to rest.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Same. I was never a normie, nor have I ever wanted to be one. Ever since I was a kid, I never wanted to grow up. I never looked forward to becoming an adult like the other kids did. They were all brainwashed, but I was not. I realized from an early age that adulthood is modern day slavery and all about working just to survive. Being an adult is working your life away until you die.

I'm noticing that you're starting to sound like one member on here who repeats the same message. "Adulthood is modern day slavery, etc"

 

[untothedepths]

Aside from my trauma going up it was trying to cope with the reality of my real life and how absolutely dogshit its going to be. I did this by indulging in my creative outlets with others. Well, overtime the group that I made began to fall apart with people having complaints after another, people seemed disinterested, and one incident in particular involving two other members just stressed me out. On top of juggling my own real life reality and trying to cope with what felt like I had failed trying to make everyone happy and what not, I just deleted the group when no one else wanted to upkeep it. I didn't have enough help trying to make things work to really also not being able to handle people very well at all. My art keeps me going and that was pretty much taken from me.

 

[sserafim]

I'm noticing that you're starting to sound like one member on here who repeats the same message. "Adulthood is modern day slavery, etc"

Work is modern day slavery

 

[Ambivalent1]

Work is modern day slavery

So is adulthood.

 

[sserafim]

So is adulthood.

Life is slavery

 

[Ambivalent1]

Life is slavery

Yep

 

[Ambivalent1]

Life is slavery