card1nal
trying to find peace by whatever means possible :)
- Jan 23, 2023
- 72
I've realized that one of my biggest reasons for falling into depression and SI is bottling up my emotions. I was traumatized as a child into doing this from countless rejections and a lack of emotional support from loved ones. I wasn't allowed to be angry, or sad, or even too happy. For a long time, I continued this cycle consciously because, to me, the pain of possible rejection appeared worse than the pain of bottling everything up and only showing people a blank slate. Because of this, I bottled up all my anxiety, and it took such a terrible toll on my mind and body over the years.
Lately, I've been trying to break this habit. After being diagnosed with OCD, which is something I would typically hide from everyone, I told my best friend. Opening up is terrifying in the moment, and I always struggle to follow through, but it can be so rewarding. I'm so grateful to have my best friend, and I hope everyone on this forum can find someone as loving and understanding as them, regardless of if they choose to remain here or ctb.
Of course, rejection is always bound to happen, but the more I put myself into these situations, the better equipped I feel to handle it. I've had so many people tell me this same thing in the past, but I guess I couldn't believe it until I got to a bad enough place where I felt like being vulnerable was my best option. Every day is still a struggle, but small moments like these make staying here feel more worthwhile.
Lately, I've been trying to break this habit. After being diagnosed with OCD, which is something I would typically hide from everyone, I told my best friend. Opening up is terrifying in the moment, and I always struggle to follow through, but it can be so rewarding. I'm so grateful to have my best friend, and I hope everyone on this forum can find someone as loving and understanding as them, regardless of if they choose to remain here or ctb.
Of course, rejection is always bound to happen, but the more I put myself into these situations, the better equipped I feel to handle it. I've had so many people tell me this same thing in the past, but I guess I couldn't believe it until I got to a bad enough place where I felt like being vulnerable was my best option. Every day is still a struggle, but small moments like these make staying here feel more worthwhile.
