Discussion For those who have had a last day..

[hiddenbpd]

Those of you have attempted to ctb in the past, did you do anything special on your last day or was it like every other terrible day? Did you feel comfort knowing it would be over? Were you scared? For those of you who made it close, did you regret it in the last few moments?

 

[Hollowman]

My only attempt was in the psych ward and I didn't regret it at all. That was 12 years ago, I wish it would've worked.

 

[hiddenbpd]

My only attempt was in the psych ward and I didn't regret it at all. That was 12 years ago, I wish it would've worked.

The closest I got was watching a train schedule for months, and going to the tracks when it was supposed to arrive. Of course it was late that day and I didn't stay long enough. So many people walked past me while I was bawling next to the tracks. I felt invisible. I wish it would've worked out then.

 

[Hollowman]

My next attempt will be my last.I'm trying to wait until my mom passes but I doubt I'll be able to.

 

[hiddenbpd]

My next attempt will be my last.I'm trying to wait until my mom passes but I doubt I'll be able to.

It's tough when you start to think about the people you'll leave behind and the impact it will have on them. That's something I try to leave out of my head.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I never had a 'real' attempt because I don't feel in my heart I was really ready to jump at that moment. I used to ride the subway to work everyday and I always thought about finally ending it and jumping. Back then about 2 years ago I was going to jump but some little part of me had hope and I think that's why in the end I hesitated. I was actually feeling really shit that day, this was like peek covid and everything felt surreal when I left he house. Colors seemed more vivid but I couldnt even really see peoples faces for some reason and I was just in a state of mind of like the 'this is fine' meme. Everything finally felt finished even though I was freefalling into a deeper pit then I had ever been in before in my life the disassociation took over and I worked my whole shift and I felt... not happy but just like done, finished, completed. When I walked back into the station and stood on the platform I walked down to the end so that the train would be going fastest and I just stared out. The train was on a more spaced out schedule as very few people used it since everything was shut down. It took too long to come and that's what stopped me, I had too long to think and the chemicals placating my brain wore off or something. That's why I don't think it was a real attempt because the SI never really kicked in for me except for a little bit when I put my foot to the edge of the track, it was like my leg acted on its own and recoiled, tbh that almost knocked me back and sort of 'sobered' me up and I just watched the train go by a few minutes later and I could not even get on the train. I just kept thinking ;this was your one chance and you cant even manage to do it right.

I didn't regret it but I felt guilty about my then boyfriend and family I guess. I just felt like even jumping couldn't help me even though I know logically ending it will mean no more pain or suffering but its almost all I know and its hard to imagine not feeling anything.


Edit to add: I reread this and I realized the issue. I struggled to answer your question because I didn't actually feel anything at all. I had thoughts and later I felt things about that day but in the moment and really for a few hours before and afterwards I just felt nothing at all.

 

[hiddenbpd]

I never had a 'real' attempt because I don't feel in my heart I was really ready to jump at that moment. I used to ride the subway to work everyday and I always thought about finally ending it and jumping. Back then about 2 years ago I was going to jump but some little part of me had hope and I think that's why in the end I hesitated. I was actually feeling really shit that day, this was like peek covid and everything felt surreal when I left he house. Colors seemed more vivid but I couldnt even really see peoples faces for some reason and I was just in a state of mind of like the 'this is fine' meme. Everything finally felt finished even though I was freefalling into a deeper pit then I had ever been in before in my life the disassociation took over and I worked my whole shift and I felt... not happy but just like done, finished, completed. When I walked back into the station and stood on the platform I walked down to the end so that the train would be going fastest and I just stared out. The train was on a more spaced out schedule as very few people used it since everything was shut down. It took too long to come and that's what stopped me, I had too long to think and the chemicals placating my brain wore off or something. That's why I don't think it was a real attempt because the SI never really kicked in for me except for a little bit when I put my foot to the edge of the track, it was like my leg acted on its own and recoiled, tbh that almost knocked me back and sort of 'sobered' me up and I just watched the train go by a few minutes later and I could not even get on the train. I just kept thinking ;this was your one chance and you cant even manage to do it right.

I didn't regret it but I felt guilty about my then boyfriend and family I guess. I just felt like even jumping couldn't help me even though I know logically ending it will mean no more pain or suffering but its almost all I know and its hard to imagine not feeling anything.

That was a very well written recount of the events. You seem to be creative based on the words you use and flow of writing, but I could be wrong. Either way, I enjoyed reading it (obviously not your suffering, but just the quality of the writing).
The chemicals the brain releases or holds onto create a wide range of feelings and reactions. Your attempt seemed similar to mine, in that I'm not sure if I would've jumped either, but I too had a similar feeling of "this is it, it will all be over". It's a blissful feeling when you think you've finally suffered as much as you have to, so you can make sure there's no more.
I'm sorry you've experienced so much pain, as you probably already know, you're not alone in that.
It wasn't your time to go, and that's completely okay . It isn't something that needs to be debated about whether your attempt was "real" or not. The urge and pain were/are real, but nothing needs to be done about it. Sometimes as terrible as negative emotions feel, the alternative of feeling nothing is worse.
I hope you're in a better state more recently .

 

[theboy]

I did activities that made me happy, but when I finished them, the fear returned. It's the damned SI

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

That was a very well written recount of the events. You seem to be creative based on the words you use and flow of writing, but I could be wrong. Either way, I enjoyed reading it (obviously not your suffering, but just the quality of the writing).
The chemicals the brain releases or holds onto create a wide range of feelings and reactions. Your attempt seemed similar to mine, in that I'm not sure if I would've jumped either, but I too had a similar feeling of "this is it, it will all be over". It's a blissful feeling when you think you've finally suffered as much as you have to, so you can make sure there's no more.
I'm sorry you've experienced so much pain, as you probably already know, you're not alone in that.
It wasn't your time to go, and that's completely okay . It isn't something that needs to be debated about whether your attempt was "real" or not. The urge and pain were/are real, but nothing needs to be done about it. Sometimes as terrible as negative emotions feel, the alternative of feeling nothing is worse.
I hope you're in a better state more recently .

Thanks for your kind words. I think you are right, when its your time its your time, and, when it isn't then it isn't.

 

[hiddenbpd]

I did activities that made me happy, but when I finished them, the fear returned. It's the damned SI

Yeah. SI can be strong. It's so strong for me that I can't even get close, I need to desensitize a bit if I ever want it to happen.

 

[theboy]

Yeah. SI can be strong. It's so strong for me that I can't even get close, I need to desensitize a bit if I ever want it to happen.

The closer you are to death, the less you want to die. It is the paradox of SI

 

[SadBlueLemon]

It was like any other day. The only "special" thing I did was change into clean clothes cause I wouldn't be caught dead in dirty PJs... literally. I wasn't scared or particularly relieved or anything, it was like I was going about a routine menial everyday task. I actually feel very much like the odd one out reading this forum because I've never experienced actual SI, not at that time or during any of the near-attempts afterward.

 

[hiddenbpd]

It was like any other day. The only "special" thing I did was change into clean clothes cause I wouldn't be caught dead in dirty PJs... literally. I wasn't scared or particularly relieved or anything, it was like I was going about a routine menial everyday task. I actually feel very much like the odd one out reading this forum because I've never experienced actual SI, not at that time or during any of the near-attempts afterward.

Hmm, interesting. I'm curious to know then, what has stopped you? I don't mean the question to be offensive, I'm just genuinely curious as a lot of other people say the only reason they're still here is SI.

 

[tiny_dancer]

This is comforting in a way, to know not everyone has a wonderful last day. I don't feel like I'd be able to enjoy anything even if I tried, I'd be too much of a mess.

 

[willitpass]

all three of my serious attempts were like any other day. however i must say it does feel weird going about your day knowing that these people will never hear from you again alive while they're none the wiser. i have had moments of "shit idk if i want to do this" with two of my attempts but that's survival instinct for you. no matter how certain your are, when you're at the brink of death you panic. that didn't stop me from continuing though. so i'm sure i'll be able to continue if it returns this next time around, especially knowing that there is no more treatment left for me

 

[hiddenbpd]

all three of my serious attempts were like any other day. however i must say it does feel weird going about your day knowing that these people will never hear from you again alive while they're none the wiser. i have had moments of "shit idk if i want to do this" with two of my attempts but that's survival instinct for you. no matter how certain your are, when you're at the brink of death you panic. that didn't stop me from continuing though. so i'm sure i'll be able to continue if it returns this next time around, especially knowing that there is no more treatment left for me

I feel like that's the part that would get to me: knowing every interaction and everything you do that day would be for the last time. Like I have chosen a date to ctb, and it's an odd feeling to know that no one else knows, and that this should be my last holiday season. I've hinted it to people, because I've felt guilty for not giving them the chance to even know I'm suicidal before I go, but the reaction I've gotten has been uncaring. I don't want to have to make it surprise for people.

 

[achromatic]

Regarding attempt I simply regret that I failed. I hate myself for that and feel guilty - since it was my mistake, my fear and stupidity and not some miracle type of deal. Yet I still feel fear of dying today.
I acted completely normal - I even listened to online seminar for uni two hours before. I got my favourite thing to eat - donut and white wine. It super weird to go around people - it's like this meme format " they don't know Im ...."
I wanted to write a meaningful note but Im a shell of person, I cannot find my words and my note sounded like something a polite AI generated and not actual human wrote. There's nothing to pour from, all dried up.
There is and was this conception of things I would like to try before I die, but Im starting to realize that bucket list might not be for me or suicidal people in genral. Anhedonia, exhaustion makes it impossible. I don't want anything anymore.
Im kinda " jealous" of people whose attempts made them realize that their life is worth living and Im jealous of people who already ctb, even though that sounds awful.

 

[hiddenbpd]

Regarding attempt I simply regret that I failed. I hate myself for that and feel guilty - since it was my mistake, my fear and stupidity and not some miracle type of deal. Yet I still feel fear of dying today.
I acted completely normal - I even listened to online seminar for uni two hours before. I got my favourite thing to eat - donut and white wine. It super weird to go around people - it's like this meme format " they don't know Im ...."
I wanted to write a meaningful note but Im a shell of person, I cannot find my words and my note sounded like something a polite AI generated and not actual human wrote. There's nothing to pour from, all dried up.
There is and was this conception of things I would like to try before I die, but Im starting to realize that bucket list might not be for me or suicidal people in genral. Anhedonia, exhaustion makes it impossible. I don't want anything anymore.
Im kinda " jealous" of people whose attempts made them realize that their life is worth living and Im jealous of people who already ctb, even though that sounds awful.

I relate to this a lot. In my opinion, bucket lists are for those who will die but don't want to; I wish I could give my life to those people, to people who would actually be grateful for it and make a difference in this world.
I too am jealous of those who want to live life, and of those who have had the courage to make it out of suffering.

 

[SadBlueLemon]

Hmm, interesting. I'm curious to know then, what has stopped you? I don't mean the question to be offensive, I'm just genuinely curious as a lot of other people say the only reason they're still here is SI.

It's not offensive at all, though I get how it might be perceived as such.

The things that stopped me are basically the plans being interrupted one way or another. Like people showing up or me finding out the landing at the bottom of the cliff isn't quite suitable. Stuff like that. I think it's down to my severe depression. I've been battling it for 17 years and it hasn't lifted for the last 15 (even despite stuff like ECT). You know how people say that they want to experience something pleasant and joyful before they go? Not only am I completely unable to experience anything positive, I don't even remember what used to bring me joy. I think depression that bad and that unrelenting for such a long time kills not only the ability to feel positive emotions but the ability to feel much of anything at all, even the danger to your existence. I've done all the treatments over and over and over again and I think when you get to a point where there is medically no real hope, as opposed to the subjective illness-induced feeling of hopelessness... I don't know how to explain it, but there's some sort of a shift that occurs, I guess over time depression kills so much of you that even the basic biological instincts fall victim to that.
I'm sorry for the wall of text and I'm not sure it even makes sense to me let alone someone who only has the words to go on without the experiences and feelings behind them but yeah, that's as much of an answer as I can give you.

 

[Life_and_Death]

nope nothing. many would see my attempts as impulsive because i just let my bpd do whatever "oh we're upset today grab the rope" then i either die or i dont (obviously dont at this point), but just because the moment is impulsive doesnt mean the thought this. ive been suicidal for 10yrs and struggle every single day. "falsely impulsive" is just the way i prefer (not actually impulsive because by definition theres no prethought, ive been thinking about it more than long enough)

 

[hiddenbpd]

It's not offensive at all, though I get how it might be perceived as such.

The things that stopped me are basically the plans being interrupted one way or another. Like people showing up or me finding out the landing at the bottom of the cliff isn't quite suitable. Stuff like that. I think it's down to my severe depression. I've been battling it for 17 years and it hasn't lifted for the last 15 (even despite stuff like ECT). You know how people say that they want to experience something pleasant and joyful before they go? Not only am I completely unable to experience anything positive, I don't even remember what used to bring me joy. I think depression that bad and that unrelenting for such a long time kills not only the ability to feel positive emotions but the ability to feel much of anything at all, even the danger to your existence. I've done all the treatments over and over and over again and I think when you get to a point where there is medically no real hope, as opposed to the subjective illness-induced feeling of hopelessness... I don't know how to explain it, but there's some sort of a shift that occurs, I guess over time depression kills so much of you that even the basic biological instincts fall victim to that.
I'm sorry for the wall of text and I'm not sure it even makes sense to me let alone someone who only has the words to go on without the experiences and feelings behind them but yeah, that's as much of an answer as I can give you.

No, that makes complete sense. It feels like being kicking when you're down when another treatment option fails, and it sounds like this has happened frequently for you. I'm sorry you haven't been able to find peace all of these years. No one deserves to experience that constant suffering with no hope for getting better in sight. I relate to the feeling of apathy, not to the same extent as you're describing, but even the amount I feel is hard to cope with. So I can only imagine what it's like for you.

nope nothing. many would see my attempts as impulsive because i just let my bpd do whatever "oh we're upset today grab the rope" then i either die or i dont (obviously dont at this point), but just because the moment is impulsive doesnt mean the thought this. ive been suicidal for 10yrs and struggle every single day. "falsely impulsive" is just the way i prefer (not actually impulsive because by definition theres no prethought, ive been thinking about it more than long enough)

BPD is terrible to live with. There are zero reliable treatments. I've only gotten worse with age. When I was first diagnosed I was wrongly told I'd grow out of it, I clearly didn't. It's hard to not wish that I would've killed myself years ago. Could've saved myself from all of this anguish.

 

[actual_fox]

I tried to make It normal day. It would not matter anyway after I die, It felt right to make It just normal.

 

[WeirdTheaterKid02]

Yeah. SI can be strong. It's so strong for me that I can't even get close, I need to desensitize a bit if I ever want it to happen.

How would one go about desensitization. Seems like a fundamental human fear? Maybe force yourself to forget any emotion you once had about anything. Become a shell of a person so you can finally decide that you have no feelings of anything. But how would you do that

 

[makethepainstop]

How would one go about desensitization. Seems like a fundamental human fear? Maybe force yourself to forget any emotion you once had about anything. Become a shell of a person so you can finally decide that you have no feelings of anything. But how would you do that

Cold hard logic. My life cannot be improved or impacted by anything that could possibly improve it. Therefore why should i continue to suffer?

 

[almaranthine]

Those of you have attempted to ctb in the past, did you do anything special on your last day or was it like every other terrible day? Did you feel comfort knowing it would be over? Were you scared? For those of you who made it close, did you regret it in the last few moments?

I remember making myself a strong drink, sitting out on the porch, smoking some weed, putting out my last cigarette while I played "Prove Yourself" by Radiohead before heading inside to make the attempt. I wasn't able to go out and give myself some kind of grand day because I didn't have any income at the time and could barely afford to put gas in the car and go buy liquor. I guess I just didn't really give a shit at that point; I was just so ready to go.

 

[hiddenbpd]

How would one go about desensitization. Seems like a fundamental human fear? Maybe force yourself to forget any emotion you once had about anything. Become a shell of a person so you can finally decide that you have no feelings of anything. But how would you do that

I was thinking more along the lines of practice the method multiple times before the actual attempt. Practicing passing out for example if the method was partial hanging or night night.

 

[hunterfla]

My next attempt will be my last.I'm trying to wait until my mom passes but I doubt I'll be able to.

Same here...my mom has had every possible ailment for the last 30 years and I always said once she's gone, I'm gone. But she keeps going...which I'm glad because she loves life, but I'm not sure how long I can hold on.

 

[Ashu]

That was a very well written recount of the events. You seem to be creative based on the words you use and flow of writing, but I could be wrong. Either way, I enjoyed reading it (obviously not your suffering, but just the quality of the writing).

I'm guessing I'm not the only one here who feels that you yourself are among our eloquent ones.

 

[WeirdTheaterKid02]

I was thinking more along the lines of practice the method multiple times before the actual attempt. Practicing passing out for example if the method was partial hanging or night night.

I hear you. In my case it doesn't necessarily lower the fear, practicing my method. But it gives me a higher sence of comfort