For those who attempted, was it peace or turmoil?

[CantDoIt]

how did you all feel when you attempted? Were you at peace with your decision, or were you in a place of mental turmoil?

Were you nervous before and during or no? Did you try to embody a different mindset to get you through it?

 

[sisyphean-nightmare]

My attempt was impulsive, following a trauma. Likely wouldn't have worked. Just remember that I kept popping pill after pill with just a sense of... Empty determination, is a good way to describe it. It was robotic, I'd just to anything to get rid of shock and pain from what had happened. Then SI kicked in. Jfc, it was awful. Like as if every cell in my body had been lit on fire. Called an ambulance, then for some reason I decided I really needed to clean the litterbox, didn't go very well because I was confused and kept dropping stuff. They arrived after five minutes or so, I got activated charcoal to drink which was disgusting but I remember it made me feel clear headed after a few minutes.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

My attempt was impulsive, following a trauma. Likely wouldn't have worked. Just remember that I kept popping pill after pill with just a sense of... Empty determination, is a good way to describe it. It was robotic, I'd just to anything to get rid of shock and pain from what had happened. Then SI kicked in. Jfc, it was awful. Like as if every cell in my body had been lit on fire. Called an ambulance, then for some reason I decided I really needed to clean the litterbox, didn't go very well because I was confused and kept dropping stuff. They arrived after five minutes or so, I got activated charcoal to drink which was disgusting but I remember it made me feel clear headed after a few minutes.

I have a similar experience to @sancta-simplicitas . I hit SI and abandoned. Returned the nitrogen (got a nice payment for returning the canister). I made the error of leaving the eebd in the hotel room so they tracked me down through interpol in a different country. I knew I'll regret it and I do. After going to trauma therapy I realized my mistake (thanks to my therapist asking me if I was on medication - which I was). So, next time I'll be sure to stop taking my anti psychotics 1 month before the set date. Now I'm homeless, living in a low threshold shelter with a child sex offender in the same room. There are many sociopaths in the shelter. Have been abused by most of them. Stigmatization and lack of complex trauma training of the staff and laws contribute to my pain. That's why next time there won't be a third time.

 

[Bubble4246]

The times I've attempted in the past few years were during moments of mental distress, with no real sense of closure - just acting on impulse. I realize now that this was a serious mistake and likely the reason I never succeeded. It's also not the right way to go, in my opinion. You should find peace and happiness in the fact that you're going to the other side, which I've been feeling over the past few weeks. It's been a growing sense of acceptance and reassurance - like I've finally accomplished what I set out to do in life, and now I'm ready for the final step. It should be a clear plan, and you should be of sound mind when you're ready. That's how I feel about when I'll ctb in the coming weeks.

 

[CantDoIt]

I have a similar experience to @sancta-simplicitas . I hit SI and abandoned. Returned the nitrogen (got a nice payment for returning the canister). I made the error of leaving the eebd in the hotel room so they tracked me down through interpol in a different country. I knew I'll regret it and I do. After going to trauma therapy I realized my mistake (thanks to my therapist asking me if I was on medication - which I was). So, next time I'll be sure to stop taking my anti psychotics 1 month before the set date. Now I'm homeless, living in a low threshold shelter with a child sex offender in the same room. There are many sociopaths in the shelter. Have been abused by most of them. Stigmatization and lack of complex trauma training of the staff and laws contribute to my pain. That's why next time there won't be a third time.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. May I ask whether or not you were doing the exit bag method? I thought I might do it because of reduced SI but it seems like even exit bag has a lot of people reacting this way.

The times I've attempted in the past few years were during moments of mental distress, with no real sense of closure - just acting on impulse. I realize now that this was a serious mistake and likely the reason I never succeeded. It's also not the right way to go, in my opinion. You should find peace and happiness in the fact that you're going to the other side, which I've been feeling over the past few weeks. It's been a growing sense of acceptance and reassurance - like I've finally accomplished what I set out to do in life, and now I'm ready for the final step. It should be a clear plan, and you should be of sound mind when you're ready. That's how I feel about when I'll ctb in the coming weeks.

I will keep that in mind. I keep wanting to do it out of urgency but I just don't think that will work. I start getting all panicked and wondering whether I should just down my SN right now or how I would organize another method otherwise. I'm really holding out for a better organized idea.

 

[AlexYaBoy]

Drunken turmoil.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. May I ask whether or not you were doing the exit bag method? I thought I might do it because of reduced SI but it seems like even exit bag has a lot of people reacting this way.

I will keep that in mind. I keep wanting to do it out of urgency but I just don't think that will work. I start getting all panicked and wondering whether I should just down my SN right now or how I would organize another method otherwise. I'm really holding out for a better organized idea.

Thanks for your kind words. Indeed I did nitrogen with eebd setup from back when EscMode was alive.

If you're not at peace with the idea, my advice is not to do it (a permanent solution to a temporary problem). SI will always be there. For me it wasn't that big, but the fact it was there made me abort knowing I'm not fully at peace. Now, with my mental health disorder and disability settled, and looking at living 20-30 years in the homeless shelter, I know that CTB is a valid option.

 

[TransfemCutter]

Like most people in this thread, I have only attempted on impulse. Once when I was 9 years old where I tried to stab myself but backed out do to SI, so basically just fear and sadness. The second time was last September where I overdosed on opiates. As it set in that I actually might die, I was quite scared, but after an hour passed, I said my goodbyes and was actively talking to a friend, it all seemed ok and I was a peace with passing. Honestly maybe the lowest point in my life was waking up the next morning to a damn iPhone alarm blaring at me and getting ready for school.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

Partial hanging I was at peace the whole time. It wasn't until I had passed out and woken up standing about 7 times and developed and extreme headache, could no longer feel my legs, and could feel every pounding heart beat that I started to get worried. I tried to pass out one last time but the pain in my head and neck was so severe that I couldn't, so I called for help.

Hypothermia/drowning in a river in the middle of winter, I was very confident and calm in my decision. As soon as I entered the water and swam out to the dam and reached the point of no return I realized I didn't want to die anymore but knew it was too late. I didn't panic if I recall (though this was years ago and I didn't write down anything to remember it by) but just accepted my fate. I looked up at the perfectly blue sky, told myself that would be my last time seeing it, and let the current pull me over. I didn't end up drowning from the current as expected, so I laid at the bottom of the dam in the cold water for awhile waiting for the hypothermia to set in. Eventually I decided I didn't want to continue waiting and wasn't feeling very suicidal anymore so I got up and walked to help.

SN I was confident and calm leading up to it. I began to panic as symptoms set in, I hadn't taken any benzos or anything to calm the anxiety. For some reason I started to think it wasn't going to kill me. Then I called for help despite wanting to die still because I guess in my hypoxic stupor I didn't think it was going to work.

I had an impulsive attempt a few weeks ago. I was pretty calm. I had moments of anxiety but overall I've reached a point where I'm just ready to let go. I never once thought of calling for help, which has been the downfall of every attempt to date.

As I lead up to my attempt in less than a week I alternate between calm and collected and terrified it won't work. I don't anticipate an urge to call for help, as I never had one a few weeks ago. I think that will be a major factor in what will allow me to succeed this time. Every other attempt I have called for help in the end. Had I not called I likely would have died with all 3 of my first attempts. It has always been some sort of thing in my head convincing me it won't work and that it's best to call, but now my mindset is if it doesn't work then I'll sleep it off. I don't fear damage to my body like I used to, if I get fucked up I get fucked up.

 

[CantDoIt]

Partial hanging I was at peace the whole time. It wasn't until I had passed out and woken up standing about 7 times and developed and extreme headache, could no longer feel my legs, and could feel every pounding heart beat that I started to get worried. I tried to pass out one last time but the pain in my head and neck was so severe that I couldn't, so I called for help.

Hypothermia/drowning in a river in the middle of winter, I was very confident and calm in my decision. As soon as I entered the water and swam out to the dam and reached the point of no return I realized I didn't want to die anymore but knew it was too late. I didn't panic if I recall (though this was years ago and I didn't write down anything to remember it by) but just accepted my fate. I looked up at the perfectly blue sky, told myself that would be my last time seeing it, and let the current pull me over. I didn't end up drowning from the current as expected, so I laid at the bottom of the dam in the cold water for awhile waiting for the hypothermia to set in. Eventually I decided I didn't want to continue waiting and wasn't feeling very suicidal anymore so I got up and walked to help.

SN I was confident and calm leading up to it. I began to panic as symptoms set in, I hadn't taken any benzos or anything to calm the anxiety. For some reason I started to think it wasn't going to kill me. Then I called for help despite wanting to die still because I guess in my hypoxic stupor I didn't think it was going to work.

I had an impulsive attempt a few weeks ago. I was pretty calm. I had moments of anxiety but overall I've reached a point where I'm just ready to let go. I never once thought of calling for help, which has been the downfall of every attempt to date.

As I lead up to my attempt in less than a week I alternate between calm and collected and terrified it won't work. I don't anticipate an urge to call for help, as I never had one a few weeks ago. I think that will be a major factor in what will allow me to succeed this time. Every other attempt I have called for help in the end. Had I not called I likely would have died with all 3 of my first attempts. It has always been some sort of thing in my head convincing me it won't work and that it's best to call, but now my mindset is if it doesn't work then I'll sleep it off. I don't fear damage to my body like I used to, if I get fucked up I get fucked up.

Thanks for your detailed descriptions. I'm looking towards my first attempt and hoping to avoid SI. Calling for help is a very real possibility for me. Did you just get so tired that you no longer felt like calling?
I hope your next attempt is successful, It really sounds like you're ready to get going and I think anyone who truly wants to deserves that peace.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

Thanks for your detailed descriptions. I'm looking towards my first attempt and hoping to avoid SI. Calling for help is a very real possibility for me. Did you just get so tired that you no longer felt like calling?
I hope your next attempt is successful, It really sounds like you're ready to get going and I think anyone who truly wants to deserves that peace.

Prior to a few weeks ago it had been almost 4 years since my last true attempt. I've never been mentally well and have always been a self harmed and had a low sense of self worth, but the last year and a half things have gotten worse than I ever could have imagined. I used to have enough of a sense of self preservation to not cause long term damage to my body, and I always feared that if I survived and didn't get help I would cause permanent damage. I no longer give two flying fucks what happens to me. The only thing I don't want is to be paralyzed or otherwise disabled but neurologically intact enough to know what's happening. And the method I chose and will be choosing (but more well thought out for round two) has a low chance of that. It would have a higher chance of heart damage or other organ damage. That's not to say there isn't a pretty good risk of neruological damage, there very much is, but I see myself as such a low life non-human that I couldn't care less what happens to my body. So no need to call for help if I just let nature take its course. It's really just a show of how things can get a lot worse than what you think rock bottom is.

Not to mention the crippling fear of ending up back in the hospital. I would jump off a fucking bridge to evade the police if it came down to going back to the fucking psych ward.

 

[Bubble4246]

I will keep that in mind. I keep wanting to do it out of urgency but I just don't think that will work. I start getting all panicked and wondering whether I should just down my SN right now or how I would organize another method otherwise. I'm really holding out for a better organized idea.

There is always a tomorrow for ctb. It is the only action that cannot be reversed in this precious life we have. You have all the time in the world to prepare and make yourself feel ready to leave. Don't stress the process; you will know when your time has come. Sending love

 

[CantDoIt]

Prior to a few weeks ago it had been almost 4 years since my last true attempt. I've never been mentally well and have always been a self harmed and had a low sense of self worth, but the last year and a half things have gotten worse than I ever could have imagined. I used to have enough of a sense of self preservation to not cause long term damage to my body, and I always feared that if I survived and didn't get help I would cause permanent damage. I no longer give two flying fucks what happens to me. The only thing I don't want is to be paralyzed or otherwise disabled but neurologically intact enough to know what's happening. And the method I chose and will be choosing (but more well thought out for round two) has a low chance of that. It would have a higher chance of heart damage or other organ damage. That's not to say there isn't a pretty good risk of neruological damage, there very much is, but I see myself as such a low life non-human that I couldn't care less what happens to my body. So no need to call for help if I just let nature take its course. It's really just a show of how things can get a lot worse than what you think rock bottom is.

Not to mention the crippling fear of ending up back in the hospital. I would jump off a fucking bridge to evade the police if it came down to going back to the fucking psych ward.

I wish nothing but the best for you.
I'm sorry that you went through so much and I've seen your posts here for awhile so I know you truly want this and know what's best for you.
You'll definitely find peace soon and hopefully I will follow you in that peace!

 

[Promised Heaven]

I planned my hanging attempt for about a week before I did it when I was 16, knowing the day I'll do it I would be alone in the house. I wasn't happy, or sad, but feeling "nothing", like that feeling you get when you know there is only peace coming your way. Basically the color white. I felt the color white.

For my method, I did something similar to a partial but not a full, not well thought out, with a rope meant to hold a hammock, but didn't get the sweet spot when I let go of the step stool.

With that context, the first few seconds were quite peaceful, but being in the incorrect placement I started to struggle and breathe funny before seeing black spots for about 30 seconds. Then SI kicked in ("oh no what am I doing?!") and my foot reached for the stool and I recovered quickly except for a sore neck for a bit.

If I hit the hanging at the right spot back then with the knowledge I had now, I would probably be dead, with my last emotion being peaceful.

 

[maniac116]

I tried pharmaceuticals twice. I remember nothing but I blacked out the first time & texted a goodbye to my daughter, who called emergency services.
In both attempts I felt nothing.
My second attempt I was unconscious on the floor for 48 hours. My neighbor came by and saw me. He said I was blue. I got put on a psych hold.
I don't recommend drugs now. Not dependable at all & risk of really fucking yourself up & being even more miserable!

 

[CantDoIt]

I tried pharmaceuticals twice. I remember nothing but I blacked out the first time & texted a goodbye to my daughter, who called emergency services.
In both attempts I felt nothing.
My second attempt I was unconscious on the floor for 48 hours. My neighbor came by and saw me. He said I was blue. I got put on a psych hold.
I don't recommend drugs now. Not dependable at all & risk of really fucking yourself up & being even more miserable!

I know ODs aren't recommended. I'm sorry that happened to you. Would you say that SN would okay considering it's a chemical not intended as a drug? It sounds like you really didn't experience much distress on the OD.

Thanks for your kind words. Indeed I did nitrogen with eebd setup from back when EscMode was alive.

If you're not at peace with the idea, my advice is not to do it (a permanent solution to a temporary problem). SI will always be there. For me it wasn't that big, but the fact it was there made me abort knowing I'm not fully at peace. Now, with my mental health disorder and disability settled, and looking at living 20-30 years in the homeless shelter, I know that CTB is a valid option.

I have a really bad set of mental disorders with one of the disorders getting worse with age. However, I also have anxiety so I can be pretty weird or emotional. It's a matter of knowing I will be happier dead than alive. I am just highly afraid of SI and it's hard to be at "peace" in that way. Exit bag sounds really good to me, SN is what I have but sounds 'meh'. CO sounds good but complicated and easy to get wrong.

 

[schrei_nach_liebe]

It was well-thought out, I didn't have SI, and I felt at peace and comfortable until I lost consciousness

 

[CantDoIt]

It was well-thought out, I didn't have SI, and I felt at peace and comfortable until I lost consciousness

Sounds okay. May I ask what your method was and why it failed?

 

[schrei_nach_liebe]

Sounds okay. May I ask what your method was and why it failed?

Amitriptyline OD combined with several other things, long before I knew what this website was, it was a self-designed method and pretty sound. It just takes a long time. I was found after 40 ish hours, I lived alone and people started looking for me and I didn't think they would that quickly. My heart stopped before EMS arrived and I was in a coma for more than 2 weeks, required ECMO and CRRT and had a very grave prognosis until I woke up. It would have been successful without a shadow of a doubt if the person who found me had arrived 5 minutes later.

 

[CantDoIt]

Amitriptyline OD combined with several other things, long before I knew what this website was, it was a self-designed method and pretty sound. It just takes a long time. I was found after 40 ish hours, I lived alone and people started looking for me and I didn't think they would that quickly. My heart stopped before EMS arrived and I was in a coma for more than 2 weeks, required ECMO and CRRT and had a very grave prognosis until I woke up. It would have been successful without a shadow of a doubt if the person who found me had arrived 5 minutes later.

Interesting! Thanks for letting me know. Interestingly, ami was the first method I considered after checking this site out but ended up not sure because of timing/difficulty of sourcing other medications for the method described in the ppeh.

 

[schrei_nach_liebe]

Interesting! Thanks for letting me know. Interestingly, ami was the first method I considered after checking this site out but ended up not sure because of timing/difficulty of sourcing other medications for the method described in the ppeh.

I think I had considerably more than what's called for, I wanted to salt the earth. The other half of the method was designed to keep it all down and I was successful with that. I took 22.5 grams of amitriptyline.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

I attempted when I was...20 I think? Long before the internet existed. I took 96 unisoms...the otc sleep aid. I was certain it would kill me and I had no SI whatsoever. I was in a horrible physical, mental, and life state at the time and was relieved to be ending it.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

I attempted one time about six years ago. It was such a mistake. The feeling of realizing I couldn't even kill myself right made me feel absolutely horrible, like the ultimate failure. I carried a lot of guilt from that and had to go to therapy to help get rid of that feeling.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

It's a strange feeling. Calm, yet fearful.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

I know ODs aren't recommended. I'm sorry that happened to you. Would you say that SN would okay considering it's a chemical not intended as a drug? It sounds like you really didn't experience much distress on the OD.

I have a really bad set of mental disorders with one of the disorders getting worse with age. However, I also have anxiety so I can be pretty weird or emotional. It's a matter of knowing I will be happier dead than alive. I am just highly afraid of SI and it's hard to be at "peace" in that way. Exit bag sounds really good to me, SN is what I have but sounds 'meh'. CO sounds good but complicated and easy to get wrong.

I understand where you're coming from. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, extreme anxiety and dissociation. I'm currently on an anti psychotic. To be honest, the way I see it is: if you've tried everything, the gold standard, latest developments and you still are in pain (not suffering, but in pain - there's a difference), and it's unbearable, then CTB is an option. My advice, if you didn't try trauma therapy (combined with neurofeedback if you suffer from anxiety/PTSD which sounds like you do for the anxiety part, and/or, therapeutic psychedelics), then try and work at it. If you've truly tried to do the work and nothing works after exhausting all avenues (e.g. changing therapists if technique doesn't work, or changing therapists if you don't feel understood, safe, opening up etc.) then and only then should CTB be an option.

 

[permanently tired]

I think certainty is important for it to be peaceful. Mine was under pressure and impulsive. I was afraid of intervention and it was uncomfortable

 

[lifelite]

Impulsive decision, but calm and peaceful

 

[thenorthern]

how did you all feel when you attempted? Were you at peace with your decision, or were you in a place of mental turmoil?

Were you nervous before and during or no? Did you try to embody a different mindset to get you through it?

I have a few times. My first attemp landed me in the hospital with multi organ failure but until I woke up few days later I felt amazing. I just went to sleep.

 

[CantDoIt]

I have a few times. My first attemp landed me in the hospital with multi organ failure but until I woke up few days later I felt amazing. I just went to sleep.

May I ask what your attempt was? I feel like a lot of people do OD or poison and have symptoms but some seem to really find it peaceful.

 

[thenorthern]

May I ask what your attempt was? I feel like a lot of people do OD or poison and have symptoms but some seem to really find it peaceful.

Overdose, benzodiazepines and paracetamol. Not smart of me, in the end but I just went to sleep.