For those of you that are intelligent, healthy etc. Why suicide?

[Sourdough]

Before my sickness came over me, I was extremely happy. I was never the smartest strongest or coolest, but I found things that I enjoyed and did them to fill my time. If I had my health I would be the same happy bloke that I was before. I had shows that I liked, books that I loved, and friends that cared about me. My sickness took this all away from me. I'm having trouble grasping how people have everything that I want still want to kill themselves. I'm not invalidating your experience I'm only curious.

 

[Zegers]

How it feels to be extremely happy?

 

[Lynx.]

In my case, it's a sense of not belonging. Existence seems bleak, unforgiving and futile.

From sunrise to sunset my task is to endure myself as much as possible. I'm fairly healthy. I'm still young, and many would say I have many great things ahead of me, yet I only pretend. There's nothing real or truthful about me to see, even for those who spend their time around me. It's only a shell; I can move mechanically, and do stuff, I suppose, yet I'm not even there, at all.

All that I do is just to endure myself and this world.

It's getting tiring as of late. And the pressure from the outside is higher with each passing day; all the expectations placed on me by family or friends are a bother to me, quite honestly.

So far, I have no plans of CTB. I can imagine it and fantasize about the subject, just to get me through another day, I suppose, but the fact that there's not a safe way to do it yet pulls me back from doing it yet...

I don't understand why I should do something with my life. Quite honestly, I didn't ask for one, and I would like a refund...

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm not really old, yet, but in my fifties. No major health issues, yet, but have some minor issues. My family has all died. No real friends. So, yeah, lonely. The biggest thing for me is that I look to the future and I see nothing good on the horizon. I see, eventually, some kind of serious sickness coming and really would have a hard time when that happens being as alone as I am. Contemplating a future like that is just too much. If something happens whereby I am unable to drive anymore, I couldn't even go and get food easily. You think about those kinds of things when you literally have no one. I want to go while I am still able to make that decision for myself, and able to carry it out for myself. There's nothing left for me here. It's the same old, same old every day. I have no desire to keep doing this. Not for much longer, anyway. I'm trying to wrap things up, now.

 

[Wait-Bus]

one of those mysteries - it is just there

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

What else can you actually do if your efforts to better yourself or your situation are unsuccessful? Unless you lack the means to decide for yourself, you either stay or leave.

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

I've lived a fake life trying to please everyone and tried to be happy. By all accounts from the outside it appears a good life but the dark regret and contempt for life in me hates being here more and more. I have had enough of this life.

 

[brokensea]

I've lived a horrific life of one awful thing after another since I was a child. All that kept me going was the hope I could make my own life someday and have a family. That I'd know what it was like to be loved and happy. That life wouldn't always be this way. It's all that kept me going. My boyfriends were awful so I put off having a baby so they wouldn't grow up to have a bad life. I decided to have a baby on my own alone and then someone rear ended me and I was messed up for a couple years and it delayed everything. I then later met the love of my life and we were going to have a baby together and be a family. Everything I wanted was finally coming true. Life wouldn't be so hard. So painful. I could make life how I wanted it to be. The doctor said I had a good chance to get pregnant still. Then they left me for another woman in the middle of us trying to have a baby. Now at my age all I see is I have a 1 percent chance to get pregnant now. This sunk me into a massive depression. I've been in bed for two years. I am so alone. I can't even be around people anymore. Everything I lived through and struggled with I'll never be loved or happy. Never have a family. I never had that. Everything I gave myself hope to live for was a lie. I'll spend every day alone forever. My life was pointless. I should have died long ago. Than suffer for this unhappy end. Everything is getting worse and all I do is work at home from my job I'm sure will fire me soon and I just sleep constantly now. I want to spend this last trip I had planned but I'm so weak it's hard to get around the house anymore but when I get back I really want to finally go.

 

[eldiablo666]

If you're cursed with intelligence you see through life and you are stricken by its stupidity

 

[BGooG]

This is a good question. I'll try and respond by telling you about me.

I'm not what one would typically predict as depressed or suicidal. Professionally, I've achieved significant success. In my field I'm considered internationally known and respected, and at my place of employment have successfully held some of the most senior administrative positions. I believe I am well-liked and respected by my colleagues. Personally, I married a woman who I fell in love with pretty much the moment I saw her, and who I still, after 25 years of marriage, think is the most beautiful and intelligent women I've ever known. We have an incredibly smart and talented 18 yr old daughter, who won a good sized scholarship to university, has a 3.96 GPA, and is (most of the time) a joy to be around. I'm 60 yrs old, and reasonably healthy, running 20-25k on a weekly basis. I've been told I'm attractive (although my hair loss gets to me everyday) and still fit and in shape. And yet ….

I'm miserably unhappy. Partly due to the gradual disintegration of closeness and intimacy in my marriage, partly due to financial worries and pressures (we're literally 100s of thousands of dollars in debt; although my job is good and pays well, it's not at the level of wealthy individuals), and just partly due to a general unhappiness and with things around me. Most significant is my marriage. My wife is extraordinarily unhappy (I do not feel right airing her issues here), and she unleashes that unhappiness on me and our daughter. I feel like a failure as a husband because she is so unhappy, and a failure as a father for not being able to better protect my daughter. And I know my daughter resents me for this, so this increases my feelings of being a failure. I'm desperately unhappy on a daily basis. I think about dying passively every day (I don't think I could kill myself; it'd hurt my daughter too much).

I don't know if any of this provides more insight for you. Pain and suffering come in many different forms. I even feel guilty about feeling depressed, like I have no cause to feel the way I do. I feel like a fraud on this site, although no one has made me feel this way. It depresses me even more.

 

[𖣴 nadia 𖣴]

By healthy I'm guessing you mean physically?
Excluding mental health problems, there are all kinds of situational reasons why a physically healthy and intelligent person could feel suicidal, such as poverty, housing problems, domestic abuse, sexual/gender identity, cultural pressures like forced marriages, bullying/discrimination, bereavement, unemployment and isolation.

 

[samsara_96]

I would not be considered successful by people around me, but they still consider me as being super intelligent, better than average looking and happy enough. However, at one point of my life (around 2013), I broke down and things have never been the same since then. I don't know what happened either since my life has always been mundane, but things just didn't seem right anymore. Ever since then, I find it really hard to hang on to life.

One major factor that helped me decide for sure that I wanted to be gone was my reflection on life. When I was struggling mentally, I kept fantasizing about living an isolated life and the fact that I was not able to do that in this useless country made me decide that I would use my right to exit my life using the other method. This world belongs to every sentient being. Nobody has the right to claim to own every piece of land that exists and, then, use the land as they wish. What our societies lack the most is the right to exit. The only way this right becomes feasible is by taking one's own life, but ideally we should have been given the opportunity to just walk away and isolate. We can't do that because governments claim to own every bit of land that exists on Earth. Unless, you work hard all your life and buy land, you are stuck in cities.

I am currently struggling a lot once again, so my writing might not be so coherent. But I want my suicide to be a protest of what we have became. I refuse to be a part of a society that is so cruel and powerful that billions of sentient beings are tortured just for the sake of handful amount of people. Nobody has the right to force an identity on others which restrict their movements, daily activities and behaviours. We are meant to be free, the slave life is not meant for us.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I've been a professional failure which is generally poisoned every other aspect of my life… Life is torture at this point and only destined to get worse… I was dealt a pretty strong hand and played it badly…

 

[gramenii]

I lost someone very very dear to me. Because of my own mistakes. And now I'm left alone. To live with this guilt. Forever. I really can't wake up without thinking about this. I have nightmares. I'm so so sorry for what I did, but she won't believe me.

 

[hamvil]

I built all my life around my job, dedicated all my energies, gave up friendships, marriage, children to it. Then I lost and I do not have the energies anymore to restart. I live in regret and I cannot imagine going on like this until retirement.

 

[eternapeace]

Before my sickness came over me, I was extremely happy. I was never the smartest strongest or coolest, but I found things that I enjoyed and did them to fill my time. If I had my health I would be the same happy bloke that I was before. I had shows that I liked, books that I loved, and friends that cared about me. My sickness took this all away from me. I'm having trouble grasping how people have everything that I want still want to kill themselves. I'm not invalidating your experience I'm only curious.

I think generally speaking it just comes down to what we value and whether we have enough of what we value. And the expectations of what's "enough" depends on our past experiences and what we see around us/the environments we were born in and lived in.

Common reasons that I see for being unhappy are: poor physical health/physical illness, poor mental health/mental illness, not having enough money/can't get a job/lost a job/can't get a job that's enjoyable, expectations to perform well academically or at a job, family issues, being born physically unattractive or unattractive otherwise (lacking charisma, intelligence, etc), not being valued in generally socially, not being valued by a special someone that you value, abuse (by parent, siblings, significant other, etc.), losing a loved one (whether a person or a pet).

Some of us are unhappy just seeing other people unhappy/suffering.

Some seem to even have it all but they are still unhappy because they are bored with life/don't see the point of grinding life.


In my case, I was born privileged (I guess upper-middle class), one of 4 children. My parents were strict-ish but I had a happy childhood/better childhood than most people. Did not really have major family issues: parents got along with each other and none of us siblings ever really hated each other or our parents (I hated my mom a little bit). I grew up in a church that at the time I believed was the one "true" church. Knew a girl at that church with an angelic smile. She was sweet, sensitive, caring and treated me with a lot of warmth. I was considered smart and did well enough all the way through high school, coasting on talent and outside help (tutors and my father's help since my father was quite educated) rather than effort. Got accepted into a great university. Did not have poor physical or mental health. Not especially handsome or attractive otherwise, but not bad either. Life seemed good. I should have been happy, right? And I was.

Then things started to fall apart. I failed out of college due to laziness/lack of motivation and addiction to computer games. I confessed to this girl at around the time I failed out of college. She said I had a chance but then she never contacted me after about a year. I did not want to bother her so I didn't reach out to her myself. I was in a dark place. My misanthropy (which already existed previously) grew. I would recall being bullied as a child for my race and also being singled out for being physically short (later I would grow to average height but being made fun of as a kid for being short stuck with me). And I would wonder how much other people would care about me if they didn't believe I was smart/able to be of use to them? I preemptively socially isolated myself/ghosted everyone I knew because I didn't trust others to genuinely give a fuck about a failure/someone they perceived to be weak/abnormal. I started to see the patterns in human behavior, our flaws, our needs. How much like other animals we actually are. Judgmental. Fake. Robotic. Driven by sex, money, power. Pretending to love/pretending to be selfless, but actually selfish. I began to question the point of life. I began to question my faith in god/whether a benevolent god exists, one worth worshipping. Wondering why a benevolent god would let me suffer so much--I didn't know why this girl never contacted me later on, but I suspected she lost interest in me and that ate me up for years (almost 15 years), never finding out why I wasn't good enough; if it was something I could control, then I can't live with myself; if it's something I couldn't control, then why god??? My own suffering in turn caused me to really notice/be interested in the suffering of others. I would spend my free time reading or watching videos related to homelessness, poverty, war, gang/cartel violence, prison, etc. Watching the worst of humanity. Watching people die (by jumping, hanging, shooting, burning, beheading, etc.), whether killed by another human or otherwise. Realizing how bestial and cruel we are; how easily we will turn on each other when we need to meet our needs to survive; realizing how fragile life is, that people can live for so many years just to have life extinguished so quickly, yet there are so many humans that act as if they're invincible and that they can't be touched, that their health, money, status, etc. just can't go away someday. Wondering what it would be like in other people's shoes, for example a homeless person's. To open your eyes in the morning and nobody wants to look at you/have anything to do with you. To look in dumpsters for food...Realizing that me being born into the most powerful country in the world (US) and into an upper-middle class environment no less, that a lot of what should make me happy was built on the suffering of others. That someone that probably wants to live more than I do made the shirt I wear while being paid like shit. That when I eat meat, some person in a meatpacking plant had to cut that meat, probably paid poorly and in hazardous work conditions. And I felt a guilt for being dealt a very good hand and not making use of it and also a guilt for being unhappy.

I would eventually recover in terms of a career (went through community college, transferred to a 4-year university, currently have a decent paying remote job with a supervisor and boss that I like and am on good terms with), but never really recovered from loss of the girl/unrequited love and still have haunting thoughts repeating in my head like the ones I expressed in the paragraph above. I just don't see life and this world the same way I did as a kid and become too cynical. I woken up on many days wanting to curl up in a fetal position. Why another day of pointless existence? Grinding for what? To live older and suffer the problems that come with old age? Better to just die now no? I know a lot of people would kill to have my life from a quality of living pov (physical health, financials) and I know my life could always be worse, but for me it was bad enough to lose the only girl I ever was interested in, to lose faith in god, to see how much suffering there is in this world. It's arguable whether it's worse to have never been happy or to have tasted happiness. None of us have experienced both cases. But I can say it's awful having experienced happiness at some point because for the rest of your life you can only see that you're missing something that you used to have. It's like the reverse of how people are traumatized by some awful experiences and even if their life gets "better", they still dwell on those experiences and it prevents them from being happy in their current life. Experiencing happiness then losing it...you continually mourn the loss of those good experiences and how you used to be so ignorant.


To bring things full circle, there are things about my life you may envy. You might envy that I never had a serious physical illness/poor physical health. And I think anybody can understand that. I think physical health is something universally valued. But on the other hand, I envy that you had friends that cared about you (genuinely) and that you had activities/hobbies that made you excited. For me, there's no activities that really excite me. I mean I'm interested playing computer games or watching porn, but those aren't really considered productive activities and the high I get from them is nothing to me compared to being valued back by someone I value greatly. For me, activity doesn't really matter so much as who you do it with. Close relationships (particularly a romantic one) is what I value the most and that's what I've lacked outside of my immediately family. And I envy that you are able to (or it seems you are able to) derive great pleasure from activities independent of other people since my life was centered around a certain individual and I've never been able to free myself mentally and emotionally. For me, enough of what I value is missing. Unlike many other members here who are still going through the motions of life uncertain of when they will be able to ctb because they're living for someone else (parent, kid, SO, etc.) and don't want to cause pain for them, I'm socially disconnected enough and I have siblings so it should be ok for me to ctb. I'll only hurt my immediate family if I died today. And I have 3 siblings who are doing well enough in life and they should be able to look after my parents when I'm gone.

This is a good question. I'll try and respond by telling you about me.

I'm not what one would typically predict as depressed or suicidal. Professionally, I've achieved significant success. In my field I'm considered internationally known and respected, and at my place of employment have successfully held some of the most senior administrative positions. I believe I am well-liked and respected by my colleagues. Personally, I married a woman who I fell in love with pretty much the moment I saw her, and who I still, after 25 years of marriage, think is the most beautiful and intelligent women I've ever known. We have an incredibly smart and talented 18 yr old daughter, who won a good sized scholarship to university, has a 3.96 GPA, and is (most of the time) a joy to be around. I'm 60 yrs old, and reasonably healthy, running 20-25k on a weekly basis. I've been told I'm attractive (although my hair loss gets to me everyday) and still fit and in shape. And yet ….

I'm miserably unhappy. Partly due to the gradual disintegration of closeness and intimacy in my marriage, partly due to financial worries and pressures (we're literally 100s of thousands of dollars in debt; although my job is good and pays well, it's not at the level of wealthy individuals), and just partly due to a general unhappiness and with things around me. Most significant is my marriage. My wife is extraordinarily unhappy (I do not feel right airing her issues here), and she unleashes that unhappiness on me and our daughter. I feel like a failure as a husband because she is so unhappy, and a failure as a father for not being able to better protect my daughter. And I know my daughter resents me for this, so this increases my feelings of being a failure. I'm desperately unhappy on a daily basis. I think about dying passively every day (I don't think I could kill myself; it'd hurt my daughter too much).

I don't know if any of this provides more insight for you. Pain and suffering come in many different forms. I even feel guilty about feeling depressed, like I have no cause to feel the way I do. I feel like a fraud on this site, although no one has made me feel this way. It depresses me even more.

Thank you for sharing. I can relate to feeling guilty about feeling depressed, knowing there are a lot of people out there that would kill to be in my situation.

 

[eternapeace]

I've been a professional failure which is generally poisoned every other aspect of my life… Life is torture at this point and only destined to get worse… I was dealt a pretty strong hand and played it badly…

Same. I feel guilty for having had a strong hand, guilt and regret for not having played my hand well, and guilt for still ending up in a "good" situation in some aspects but still feeling unhappy.

 

[Nagito]

I'm in my 20's but all but one of my family members is dead. Even when they were alive no matter how much I reached out to them I couldn't get in touch, and they all became homeless and died in really depressing ways.

I have one person that I feel close to but recently I've felt more like they don't see me the same. I consider them my best friend but I feel like they don't really treat me with fondness or closeness. It's ok if they don't feel the same, I'm just very isolated inside and ready to not feel anything anymore.

 

[Szinuus]

Before my sickness came over me, I was extremely happy. I was never the smartest strongest or coolest, but I found things that I enjoyed and did them to fill my time. If I had my health I would be the same happy bloke that I was before. I had shows that I liked, books that I loved, and friends that cared about me. My sickness took this all away from me. I'm having trouble grasping how people have everything that I want still want to kill themselves. I'm not invalidating your experience I'm only curious.

Im the same. Neuropathy ruined my world.
I was gonna to be a dentist before that.

 

[CowsAreCool]

Fear of failure. I fear failure at every second of every day. I fear I'll never make real friends. I fear I'll never have a family or a job I like. I fear I'll get older and nothing will change. I fear dying more alone than I am now.

I'm very healthy. I'd say I'm a good student. But I don't have what actually matters in life. Most of it is my serious social anxiety, which I am talented at hiding but has led me to withdraw from the world. But from an outside view, I have everything going for me.

Suicide is my ultimate trump card. It's at least partially a coping mechanism. Keeps me from feeling trapped. I always have an out. But when I become really anxious, I get incredibly impulsive and even had an episode of psychosis once. So suicide is a distinct possibility.

There's a romantic element to it. I had a loose friend die of suicide and its been stuck in my head ever since. It's like an idea virus. I couldn't explain the appeal if I tried.

Healthiness and intelligence don't mean anything in and of themselves. There's some horribly unhealthy idiots who have what I would give anything for. Happiness and meaning.

 

[madiroze]

I'm 37 years old and probably in better physical shape now that I've ever been but my mental health is shot. I've always felt a sense of meaningless but with ageing I feel it even more so. I just don't have any motivation to stick around here anymore. So much so, that I fell pregnant earlier this year (to my utter shock so it wasn't planned or an anything) and within 3 weeks of finding out I had an abortion. Why did I choose to abort? Because I am not going to be responsible for bringing another human being into this miserable, enslaved existence for them to spend 50 years in a sick society that will crush their spirit and individuality. I'm not rich, I don't have the means to have provided this child with a way out of that life, so I must be a Sadist to force them into such an existence, right?! F*** that! Rather the child never know existance than a horrible, miserable one.

And whoever disagrees with me or thinks what I did was wrong, then you don't know what despair really is. You're not aware of being a slave to forces outside of your control, but you are a slave and you will produce more slaves to keep the evil hamster wheels smoothly running. I didn't have a choice to be here but I made the choice for someone else who at least was spared the same fate.

 

[SuffrInSilence]

I'm physically healthy. My mental health has always been bad, since I was a child. Call it trauma, or genetics, or something in my brain that just isn't right, idk, but I have wanted to die as far back as I can remember.

While being ill or injured can make you want to die, being healthy is not something to live for. Not having pain is supposed to be the default and doesn't bring joy, in and of itself. You still need things in your life to live for, a job you love, family, friends, a house you own, kids, things to be proud of. Remove all of that, add trauma and a family history of depression and you have a recipe for suicidal ideation.

 

[CTB Dream]

Many problem even no problem reason ctb , people live die what point see early clear say ctb even good health etc say ctb

 

[killmeiwannadie]

poverty, trauma. rapidly declining mental health and society sucks

the more i learn and know the more i want to scrub my mind and myself from existence

 

[emgrl]

Trauma can completely rewire your brain. I was happy, intelligent, full of energy and life. Post trauma, nothing is the same.

 

[No blackangel]

I feel like my life is in the past. Cant se any future. Poor decisions have left me with few perspectives for the future. No hope for anything positive happening to me .

 

[freedompass]

I'm 37 years old and probably in better physical shape now that I've ever been but my mental health is shot. I've always felt a sense of meaningless but with ageing I feel it even more so. I just don't have any motivation to stick around here anymore. So much so, that I fell pregnant earlier this year (to my utter shock so it wasn't planned or an anything) and within 3 weeks of finding out I had an abortion. Why did I choose to abort? Because I am not going to be responsible for bringing another human being into this miserable, enslaved existence for them to spend 50 years in a sick society that will crush their spirit and individuality. I'm not rich, I don't have the means to have provided this child with a way out of that life, so I must be a Sadist to force them into such an existence, right?! F*** that! Rather the child never know existance than a horrible, miserable one.

And whoever disagrees with me or thinks what I did was wrong, then you don't know what despair really is. You're not aware of being a slave to forces outside of your control, but you are a slave and you will produce more slaves to keep the evil hamster wheels smoothly running. I didn't have a choice to be here but I made the choice for someone else who at least was spared the same fate.

I think most people here would do nothing but sympathise or empathise with your position. I had 3 abortions myself and don't care who knows it, I consider those my best decisions because honestly the alternative is way worse. It's one thing to suffer this life yourself, quite another to inflict it on someone else. I hate what has happened in the US regarding abortion law, it is unbelievably retrogressive and does imho way more harm to women and the unborn than ending an unwanted pregnancy can ever do.

 

[Life_and_Death]

just because the external is fine doesnt mean the internal is.
its a struggle ive had my whole life, but just because i had horses, an electric guitar, ect doesnt mean i wasnt abused and doesnt change the way things are/the way i feel.

 

[madiroze]

I think most people here would do nothing but sympathise or empathise with your position. I had 3 abortions myself and don't care who knows it, I consider those my best decisions because honestly the alternative is way worse. It's one thing to suffer this life yourself, quite another to inflict it on someone else. I hate what has happened in the US regarding abortion law, it is unbelievably retrogressive and does imho way more harm to women and the unborn than ending an unwanted pregnancy can ever do.

I don't feel so alone when I hear from other women who have been in the same predicament and understand more than anyone else why you make that decision. It wasn't an unwanted pregnancy for me, I did it to protect an unborn human from a life of misery and struggle. Some people get it, but most people don't. I had to think with my head not my heart.

 

[SunshineAndSuicide]

For me it's the constant and relentless mindset that life is pointless. Having to work a job to earn a living just to retire and die just doesn't make sense. I don't make enough money to do fun things on weekends and even if I do nice things here and there, life is still incredibly pointless in my eyes. I'm a waste of an intelligent and healthy meat suit because my brain doesn't want to stay in the game. My introverted personality type doesn't help either.