Discussion for those not ready/choosing not to CTB, why ?

[mynamessamuel]

for me, its because there are SOME things in this life i still like. i love the media i consume (shows, video games, music, ect), i love my queerness, i love how much love and empathy i have for others, and i love my creativity, but thats about it. i believe in reincarnation, so i guess its the fear that my next life will be even worse, or that i'll reincarnate as a stinky bigoted cishet white incel or some shit like that, yk ?? everything weighs on my body and im so, so fucking tired but at the same time theres things in this life that are still worth living for and i wish i could take a look into what my reincarnation will be like and change the things i want, like "ok so we're gonna be born as a man ok mhm, OH and we're gonna be into TMNT and space and all that uh huh okay bit were are NOT going to be traumatized nope no fucking way not on my watch" yk !!

i want to stay me, but i want everything else to change. i was born into a world that wasnt built for people like me and god do i fucking wish it was but it isnt and with all the shit going on right now i dont think it'll ever be. i mean seriously, i was born AFAB with autism and adhd, i was born lower class with 2 traumatized parents who dont know the first thing about how to be a decent parent and are emotionally and medically neglectful as well as emotionally abusive and use to be physically abusive, i was born with genetics that made me physically disabled at FUCKING 14, im mentally ill, im LGBTQ+ (omnisexual, transman, ambiamarous, erosflux), im not fat but jesus im certainly not skinny (im in this weird fugly middld zone), and im not even close to being conventionally attractive, and guess what the world does to you when you're all that ? it sneers at you and tells you that you're sub-human trash that should kill itself, that you're nothing and will always BE nothing, that theres no place for you to be safe and there never will be, that you should've just been fucking aborted.

and they're right. i stay alive not because i have hope for the world or some dumb shit like that, fuckkkk noooo !! i stay alive for my music and shows and drawings and daydreams. oh and the new mutant mayhem and into the spiderverse movies coming out, that too. seems i'll be ready to CTB and then a new piece of media will be released thar makes me go "wait !! shit !! hold the fuck on !!"

apologies for the ramble, thanks for reading ig.

 

[Yuki K]

I want to ctb but the process of ctb is painful af. I've tried a lot times but failed or tapped out.
I also live on to watch new shows specifically anime shows. Consuming this media is the only time I'm truly happy. I become like a kid when I watch these shows, it's nostalgic and heart warming. these are the shows that were there for me when no one was.
I'm also pretty much just living for the people around me because I don't want to hurt their feelings. My death might bring someone to depression and I don't want that. I truly care about my family and friends as they're the best and most amazing people. I don't want to hurt them

 

[AllMyDreams]

I go through a similar thought process as you. I'm also gay and autistic and had an unstable childhood (I am conventionally attractive but that just led to me compulsively sleeping around with older men when I was a teenager and that has left me messed up). I'm 23 now.

Main reason I don't ctb is because my family does love me, and so the only way I'd feel comfortable dying would be euthanasia, so that they know in advance, know that it's peaceful, can say goodbye etc. Euthanasia for mental illness isn't allowed where I live so I'd have to find a way to move.

I also do worry about being reincarnated. Partly because I could be reincarnated into a worse situation, but partly because I'd have to start all over again without having the knowledge and coping strategies that I've worked hard to develop. But then it's always possible that I won't be reincarnated or will be reincarnated into something better. Or that the world is a simulation and will stop existing after I die.

I go through phases where I am depressed, then I latch onto some cause or media or hobby or job, then I get bored or face some setback, tell myself it's pointless, and get depressed again.

 

[Unhumanly.]

I live for the only promises I have as the only leftover that there, can't tell about it more directly. But I know, eventually I will land to the right condition and moment.

Because I know my choice is accessible, I can get what It take to get there
it comfort me at least...

:)

 

[ExistHarm]

really, only because i don't have access to N. i want it to be as painless and easy and quick as possible.

 

[FuneralCry]

I would choose suicide over absolutely anything else, but I feel like in this world suicide is barely a choice with the fact that reliable methods are purposely restricted, and there is the fact that there is so much stigma and secrecy surrounding suicide. If suicide was much easier I would be long gone by this point, but the difficulties involved in suicide is why I'm sadly still here. There could never be anything that could ever make me wish to stay in this world though, and I always view it as being better to not exist. Existing is a torturous and tedious process that only leads to our inevitable decay from age after all, and this is completely undesirable in every way possible.

 

[kindalone]

I feel like despite all my fuckups, past and future, I will be fine. I'm in the fortunate position that I'm living in a first world country, my parents can still take care of me financially, I don't have any ailments or illnesses (maybe mental), there are enough drugs and the government can take care of me when shit hits the fan. It sounds pretty awful and a lot of people might judge me but whatever. I've spend my life questioning everything I do and thinking about how it will be perceived. It's part of the reason why I still have a desire to ctb. But I wanna keep living just to see what it means to just care about myself for once without being afraid of being judged. The risk of fucking up my life even more is high and my safety could all disappear in a second. But in the end, I can still ctb. That's why I keep going.

 

[missingpeace]

The only thing that is between me and my death is the fact that there is ALWAYS someone home. Also still working on reducing SI. I will get there eventually.

 

[calssilva]

my reason I guess is the fear. fear of death and fear of regret of cab

 

[shinohara]

a combination of reasons I guess, mostly because there are people who (I think) would be devastated if I did go through with it, specifically 1-2 people that I feel like I need to stay here to help (even though I can barely help myself but you get it). Also, despite being depressed, there are some things I would like to experience (getting my own place, travel, see if maybe I can contribute to the world in a positive way, etc.). The only problem is that my mental health makes it hard to be able to do these things.
there is also the fear of the act itself. Besides the pain, I want to make sure I pick a method that suites my needs and that I can do properly.
and ofc media is a huge comfort, although it seems like it's starting to lose it's allure as I get older and more critical of it?

 

[thereisnomeaning]

Personally, I'm a trans man and I still don't have all my documents changed to my chosen name, my family does not respect me and I can't bare the thought of having my dead name on my grave so I'm in the process of changing all my papers before I can do that.

 

[IsolatedPotato17]

I was ready and about to do it on the 16th of this month ( my birthday) , had everything required but my mom somehow found one of the suicide letters ( yes i had written one for everybody lol ) guess she's the only reason im choosing to not ctb for now.

 

[Room237]

my family is going through a lot of grief right now so i don't want to cause any more pain at the moment

 

[SilentSadness]

I would never choose to stay alive; even if my situation improved there is always the inevitability of it getting worse. To me, death is true peace and comfort and even pro-lifers seem to agree when it comes to fallen heroes. Sadly, they can't give me the same luxury because I guess I haven't suffered for long enough yet.

 

[sancsuinet]

I havent found the perfect way. i dont want to hurt anyone, i dont want them to have to find me or think they caused it. im also holding out till i dont like my degree (or my mental health plummets again), theres a couple things im not ready to let go of yet.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

I want to ctb but the process of ctb is painful af. I've tried a lot times but failed or tapped out.
I also live on to watch new shows specifically anime shows. Consuming this media is the only time I'm truly happy. I become like a kid when I watch these shows, it's nostalgic and heart warming. these are the shows that were there for me when no one was.
I'm also pretty much just living for the people around me because I don't want to hurt their feelings. My death might bring someone to depression and I don't want that. I truly care about my family and friends as they're the best and most amazing people. I don't want to hurt them

to me I guess it's just fear of the unknown, I'm still relatively young and haven't started my "life" yet, im a student. I can't deny thoughts on and about what the future could hold for me make me very hesitant, as well as the love I get from my s/o, but it's lately being torture just resting properly with the prying thoughts about the chances of things going to shit for me anytime gravely (they have before). it's really tiring going back and forth hope and paranoia

 

[man_in_red:)]

Got some unfinished business.

 

[downndone2]

I'm scared, SI, know I'll hurt people in myblife and they'll have to take care of things they shouldn't have to, afraid of who will take my dogs after I'm gone, need to get some debt paid off

 

[WorthlessCoward]

Cowardice
Not knowing if the SN I paid for is pure or has been humified
Started Pokemon Gold and now I HAVE to finish it

In that order

 

[Unwr!tten]

I havent found the perfect way. i dont want to hurt anyone, i dont want them to have to find me or think they caused it. im also holding out till i dont like my degree (or my mental health plummets again), theres a couple things im not ready to let go of yet.

This is similar for me. I'm giving myself time to really plan it out and build my kit and if I don't enjoy my life, I will end it.

 

[LateForTheBus]

I'm ready to go. Honestly, the only reason I'm still here is that I've been so exhausted lately that I haven't been able to make myself do the things I need in order to CTB. I'm trying to get my affairs in order to make things as logistically easy for my family as possible, but all I've done this week is stay in bed.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Waiting to see if I can get approved of surgery to get rid of my fat. If I get approved and it can happen very quickly, that may delay it for a few months, maybe a year depending on what happens in the aftermath. If I get denied, or the surgery isn't able to be performed for a large amount of time, that will seal it for me.

 

[Heavenbound]

I've got a lot of loose ends to tie up. Got to get my legal documents in order and do my burial pre planning and that takes money that I don't have at the moment and I don't want to have my family pay for it in the end.
Also, kind of hoping that maybe things will get better, but I doubt it.
Just really want to be with my people on the other side, but the time isn't right yet.
Just a friendly reminder: people, do your legal work, don't let your assets go to probate! :)

 

[SpiderLink]

for me, its because there are SOME things in this life i still like. i love the media i consume (shows, video games, music, ect), i love my queerness, i love how much love and empathy i have for others, and i love my creativity, but thats about it. i believe in reincarnation, so i guess its the fear that my next life will be even worse, or that i'll reincarnate as a stinky bigoted cishet white incel or some shit like that, yk ?? everything weighs on my body and im so, so fucking tired but at the same time theres things in this life that are still worth living for and i wish i could take a look into what my reincarnation will be like and change the things i want, like "ok so we're gonna be born as a man ok mhm, OH and we're gonna be into TMNT and space and all that uh huh okay bit were are NOT going to be traumatized nope no fucking way not on my watch" yk !!

i want to stay me, but i want everything else to change. i was born into a world that wasnt built for people like me and god do i fucking wish it was but it isnt and with all the shit going on right now i dont think it'll ever be. i mean seriously, i was born AFAB with autism and adhd, i was born lower class with 2 traumatized parents who dont know the first thing about how to be a decent parent and are emotionally and medically neglectful as well as emotionally abusive and use to be physically abusive, i was born with genetics that made me physically disabled at FUCKING 14, im mentally ill, im LGBTQ+ (omnisexual, transman, ambiamarous, erosflux), im not fat but jesus im certainly not skinny (im in this weird fugly middld zone), and im not even close to being conventionally attractive, and guess what the world does to you when you're all that ? it sneers at you and tells you that you're sub-human trash that should kill itself, that you're nothing and will always BE nothing, that theres no place for you to be safe and there never will be, that you should've just been fucking aborted.

and they're right. i stay alive not because i have hope for the world or some dumb shit like that, fuckkkk noooo !! i stay alive for my music and shows and drawings and daydreams. oh and the new mutant mayhem and into the spiderverse movies coming out, that too. seems i'll be ready to CTB and then a new piece of media will be released thar makes me go "wait !! shit !! hold the fuck on !!"

apologies for the ramble, thanks for reading ig.

I'm only alive for others. For their benefit, it's sad how that's the only reason I'm alive because it's not for myself. I don't plan on doing it yet till I finish this internship, once I'm done that I'll probably do it. I just want my death to not hurt others as much. I just hope for my goodbyes that I will just beg them to re read certain parts of it, and remind them it isn't their fault or anything that could come along.

 

[Source Energy]

Mainly, because I wanted to keep trying. Held out a small candle of hope but it is being squashed already. It saddens me to leave this game as such a loser. I wanted to see at least some success. Gave up...I believe in energy and consciousness still existing, and possibly reincarnation, reality shifting...I will find out the truth soon. I hope I will not wake up still as me in another shitty reality...this is what kept me, so far.

 

[outrider567]

I just got back from my brother's funeral, had to fly to Virginia Beach

 

[NambaSutra]

Main reason I haven't CTB is like primal fear even though I live in misery all day and all night every day.

 

[general bacon]

My husband, son, my cats, and for anybody that needs my shoulder to lean against. I don't know how long I will continue on like so, but for the time being, I'm okay. If anyone here ever wants to chat I'm a good listener :) I wish everyone well whether they choose to CTB or not.

 

[Challu]

Antiemetic hasn't come. It will be a very happy experience because I know I'm going to be with God.

 

[redtruck1]

Too many important people I would hurt, and scared of failing and ending up in the psych hospital again