Wow. I didn't expect so many responses. Thank you all so much for the kind words and comfort. I feel like the first time I posted something and many came to help me. Thank you so much. I realize I wasn't clear in the original post, so perhaps a brief summary is appropriate. (Don't feel pressured to respond to my reply. I am responding more to keep everything organized in my head than for any other reason). I tried ctb last year precisely because I didn't feel like I belonged, because I didn't think I was made for life. I couldn't understand why people enjoy life so much. Anyway, on November 13, 2022 I tried ctb. In the beginning of this year I realized that I would have to try to give life another chance. It was not exactly a choice, it was something inevitable. I always saw suicide as the last resort, when everything has been tried and nothing works, and it seemed that I still had some strength left to try. Yesterday was the first day that I thought again about dying as a realistic alternative.
It can be easy to seem too needy if life has contracted to a narrow focus. You might try adding activities to your day such as going to the library to read out of town newspapers, going to the park and feeding the birds with bits of bread, or having a brief exchange with a store clerk about the weather. This can establish a foundation upon which life can expand and upon which relationships can be built. A more full life gives you something to share. A too empty a life tends to make one more of a taker.
Thank you for your words. I agree with you, but unfortunately I've been trying to do this for months. I've started going to the gym again, I'm trying to leave the house, I've started therapy, and I'm trying to talk to people again. For the last two weeks I have been looking for any party or social gathering to do with anyone. I am really desperate to live, and I have been very afraid of death the last few months, especially the last few weeks, because I know that this is my destiny. I am really fighting against the tide and it is absolutely exhausting. I feel like this picture
. Few things can express how I feel as well as this picture. I think that more than death, I have always been afraid that the lens I see the world through will go back to the way it was last year and that I will go back to not wanting to live. On Thursday morning of last week (not yesterday) was the first time I felt that I had changed my lens, and in the evening of this same day I had a boost of energy to get better. I looked for hostels and anywhere I could interact with other people, as well as asking for help from people I hadn't talked to in a long time. I ended up not going anywhere, and it is quite frustrating how nothing works to get me out of this cycle.
You probably feel disappointed, but sometimes we don't have the energy to give to someone else. Don't take it personally because there could be many other reasons. By the way, your post reminded me of this:
That song gave me chills. Thanks for sharing. I will reciprocate by sharing a song
. It's about not getting what you want, and yet seeing the bright side of life, like the warmth of the sun. That's what I try to do, you know? To look at the little things that can convince me to stay in this world.
I don't know any advice, I can say I feel EXACTLY the way you're feeling right now. I hope it can be at least some kind of comfort to know you are not alone in these feelings. So many suffer in silence. I'm sorry you are suffering so much at this time. I hope things get better for you. <3
Thank you for the kind words. I wouldn't want you to understand this feeling, but thank you for saying it. I also hope that everything works out for you.
I know that feeling of alienation all too well. It's as though the so-called normal people are a different species.
Sorry you are going through this. It's dreadful.
Too bad you understand. It's like I'm screaming in the middle of the desert. It's not lonely, because I like to be alone, but it's like I don't belong anywhere. There is a song that says exactly the feeling here
(there is also this version
of the same song that I like a lot)
I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be tough to see your efforts not resulting in anything. Perhaps instead of finding new people, try some new hobbies or activities? That way, you might have a chance to meet new people too. You deserve someone who truly understands.
Yes, I am thinking that I could spend my last energies finding new hobbies. I thought about going to a comedy show or, as a last resort, voluntarily going to a clinic. I'm not sure how that would help, but I'm really running out of options.
Thank you all for being so kind and keep it up. As I said at the beginning, don't feel pressured to respond. I didn't write expecting an answer. Love and mercy to you all :)