efffervescence
Member
- Dec 13, 2018
- 71
I'm not really sure whether this should be in suicide discussion or recovery as I can't even tell what category of these I fall under.
For people who have had a serious suicide attempt, regardless of whether cardiac arrest occurred as a result I just wonder if anyone can relate to how I'm feeling. Everything I read about people who have survived serious suicide attempts have completely changed for the better following this, realising the preciousness of life but I honestly still feel the same as I did the day I did it, if not worse. Because of how traumatic it was for me to see the damage I did to everyone around me (I gave my mum C-PTSD, she is the one who found me. The rest of my family must've suffered some damage too as they were all told to prepare for the worst, and after I was stabilised and put into a coma they were told that I was likely going wake up disabled) instead of planning a suicide attempt when I'm feeling like this, I just find myself wishing and wishing I had died when I wanted to. I feel completely devastated that I will never be able to bring myself to try again and looking into the future and see 60+ years of this (unless my life expectancy did genuinely take a hit) I cannot possibly articulate how completely and utterly horrifying I find what I see. When I read about suicide survivors accounts, this is all I hear. I have tried very very hard to make something of myself since the attempt, I have been to therapy, tried many different medications, enrolled in university, made new friends, had a couple of lovely relationships, became closer with my friends and family post-attempt, everything. Nothing makes me happy. It makes me feel hopeless and alone, does anyone else get these feelings?
And for those of you who did go into cardiac arrest, it was a week under 4 years ago when I tried to kill myself. I've been told I was in cardiac arrest for around 45 minutes and I was in a coma for a few days. I just have a few questions, because the doctors told me nothing and everything I read about the after effects of cardiac arrest is about people who are physically ill, not physically healthy people who inflicted it upon themselves.
I'm wondering if anyone else in this circumstance has problems with their memory that is lasting this long?! I've been reading about how cardiac arrest can have profound negative effects on working memory, I also have ADHD so my memory sucks anyway but I honestly can't retain anything at all. I've been studying for an exam for weeks and I can quite confidently say I've learned nothing. I didn't get any brain scans or anything, I don't know if this is something I can ask for or should mention to my university?
I'm also wondering how many years I have taken off of my life, realistically. Again, all statistics are from physically unwell people or elderly people, not from people who have survived a suicide attempt.
I wanted to know if anyone has been through this and had a doctor answer these questions. I feel completely hopeless and I genuinely feel like I killed myself that day, or at least any hope of a future I have. I WILL fail this exam, this is not me being modest. I don't remember anything I've learned at all. ANY potential for success I had died that day and I just so wish I had died with it :(
For people who have had a serious suicide attempt, regardless of whether cardiac arrest occurred as a result I just wonder if anyone can relate to how I'm feeling. Everything I read about people who have survived serious suicide attempts have completely changed for the better following this, realising the preciousness of life but I honestly still feel the same as I did the day I did it, if not worse. Because of how traumatic it was for me to see the damage I did to everyone around me (I gave my mum C-PTSD, she is the one who found me. The rest of my family must've suffered some damage too as they were all told to prepare for the worst, and after I was stabilised and put into a coma they were told that I was likely going wake up disabled) instead of planning a suicide attempt when I'm feeling like this, I just find myself wishing and wishing I had died when I wanted to. I feel completely devastated that I will never be able to bring myself to try again and looking into the future and see 60+ years of this (unless my life expectancy did genuinely take a hit) I cannot possibly articulate how completely and utterly horrifying I find what I see. When I read about suicide survivors accounts, this is all I hear. I have tried very very hard to make something of myself since the attempt, I have been to therapy, tried many different medications, enrolled in university, made new friends, had a couple of lovely relationships, became closer with my friends and family post-attempt, everything. Nothing makes me happy. It makes me feel hopeless and alone, does anyone else get these feelings?
And for those of you who did go into cardiac arrest, it was a week under 4 years ago when I tried to kill myself. I've been told I was in cardiac arrest for around 45 minutes and I was in a coma for a few days. I just have a few questions, because the doctors told me nothing and everything I read about the after effects of cardiac arrest is about people who are physically ill, not physically healthy people who inflicted it upon themselves.
I'm wondering if anyone else in this circumstance has problems with their memory that is lasting this long?! I've been reading about how cardiac arrest can have profound negative effects on working memory, I also have ADHD so my memory sucks anyway but I honestly can't retain anything at all. I've been studying for an exam for weeks and I can quite confidently say I've learned nothing. I didn't get any brain scans or anything, I don't know if this is something I can ask for or should mention to my university?
I'm also wondering how many years I have taken off of my life, realistically. Again, all statistics are from physically unwell people or elderly people, not from people who have survived a suicide attempt.
I wanted to know if anyone has been through this and had a doctor answer these questions. I feel completely hopeless and I genuinely feel like I killed myself that day, or at least any hope of a future I have. I WILL fail this exam, this is not me being modest. I don't remember anything I've learned at all. ANY potential for success I had died that day and I just so wish I had died with it :(
