For how long have you been yearning to CTB?

[venin]

I'm talking about this being a daily phenomenon but you not doing it for various reasons.

 

[DeadHead]

Three years, although I got my brain tumour diagnosis 7 /8 years ago after 10 years of symptoms that the medical mafia ignored.

 

[アホペンギン]

About a year, by now. I used to think about ctb rarely and how it would definitely happen soon but I haven't been actually thinking about it and yearning for it until recently.

 

[TheMetalhead]

Started at 14, been times that I wouldn't think about it or whatnot, came back during my highschool days and it's going to be 8 hears now.
Nowadays it's driving me insane, can't pass a day without contemplating it.
I've got two tickets - SN and a rope.

Guess now we wait till something happens, even tho I may be homeless in a month unless my parents change their mind.

 

[venin]

Three years, although I got my brain tumour diagnosis 7 /8 years ago after 10 years of symptoms that the medical mafia ignored.

That's awful… I'm really sorry

 

[Praestat_Mori]

About 5 years, sometimes more sometimes less, sometimes not at all. Only in the last 4 months almost daily.

 

[venin]

About a year, by now. I used to think about ctb rarely and how it would definitely happen soon but I haven't been actually thinking about it and yearning for it until recently.

Was it a one time trigger or several?

 

[アホペンギン]

Was it a one time trigger or several?

Several

 

[PracheenKaal_00!]

At first I sorta yearned to CTB when I was in 10th grade (2018-19). After 10th grade got over, I did not think much of it and it went off my mind.
After that, I had yearned to CTB b/w 2021-22. Took help and it worked, only temporarily.

Then my mental health got a lot worse.
Now since April, I've been yearning to CTB. Presently I'm still in the planning stage of CTB.

Now it's certain that I will CTB. I have made up my mind. Still not doing it immediately (Will do after 3/4+ months), due to my upcoming friend's / family's / relative's birthdays and the upcoming festivals. Secondly, I do not want my CTB plans to be discovered, so keeping it a secret and planning it slowly, for my plans to succeed.

In short I have been actively yearning to CTB since may 2023.

 

[StolenLife]

For nine years, since I was 14. It first started when I was 12 but back then I still had hope that things would change after I leave a toxic environment.

 

[swaraj]

Always. As early as I can remember. My first attempt was at ~3 years old. My mother used to beat me up and call me a whore, with me not understanding anything she would do to me. I had seen some true crime on TV and knew that stabbing yourself with a knife did something to you so I had tried it.

 

[venin]

For nine years, since I was 14. It first started when I was 12 but back then I still had hope that things would change after I leave a toxic environment.

For me it started later, but I had really high hopes I would get way better when I got out of the enviroment that ruined my life. It wasn't the case… I still haven't totally lost hope but it's not looking good. At all

 

[jbear824]

About 26 years now. And my life is only getting worse.

 

[venin]

About 5 years, sometimes more sometimes less, sometimes not at all. Only in the last 4 months almost daily.

You know what I think sometimes? Do you realize that some people don't know even know what it's like being depressed? Not suicidal. Just depressed.

While we're here, just wanting to die, for years… OMFG is this life unfair and cruel

 

[notverylucid]

I've been thinking about ctb for about 5 years now, seriously started planning about 2 months ago. Thankful to find this community, like an oasis in the desert.

 

[venin]

About 26 years now. And my life is only getting worse.

omg… that sounds like a nightmare

Can I ask how did you make it this far?

Sorry if it's rude. I just had to ask

 

[cats333]

since i was 9 but its only gotten worse even with therapy

 

[venin]

since i was 9 but its only gotten worse even with therapy

Really? Why do you think that happened?

I'm really sorry. Can I ask how old you are now?

 

[cats333]

Really? Why do you think that happened?

I'm really sorry. Can I ask how old you are now?

I mean, i was bullied by my family on a daily basis since i remember, so that was the initial cause of it, then when i was 13 i got put in therapy and even though they gave me tips and methods to overcome some emotions and thoughts i had they never worked. so at some point the therapist just kinda gave up and i havent been back since, im 18 now, sending hugs <33

 

[FuneralCry]

I've wished for the true relief of non-existence for as long as I can remember, only the eternity of death comforts me, there's nothing appealing about existing, I only desire a dreamless, eternal sleep free from all suffering.

 

[jbear824]

omg… that sounds like a nightmare

Can I ask how did you make it this far?

Sorry if it's rude. I just had to ask

Fear of pain. Not having access to methods that aren't violent or painful. And now I have someone who is dependent on me who I can't just abandon. I used to have hope things would get better, and that kept me going for a long time. Now it's just the other stuff keeping me trapped into life.

 

[passivethought121]

18 months. I've been suicidal for a good 4 years, but the last 18 months have had the most ideation. More frequent thoughts (daily), more plans, more notes, more parasuicidal behavior. It comes and leaves, but it hasn't left since. This is the longest streak. Before, I wished I was dead, but it wasn't so frequent that it was always living in my mind rent free.

 

[venin]

Fear of pain. Not having access to methods that aren't violent or painful. And now I have someone who is dependent on me who I can't just abandon. I used to have hope things would get better, and that kept me going for a long time. Now it's just the other stuff keeping me trapped into life.

I'm honestly sorry… idk what more to say

 

[venin]

Started at 14, been times that I wouldn't think about it or whatnot, came back during my highschool days and it's going to be 8 hears now.
Nowadays it's driving me insane, can't pass a day without contemplating it.
I've got two tickets - SN and a rope.

Guess now we wait till something happens, even tho I may be homeless in a month unless my parents change their mind.

I'm really sorry about your situation. It sounds incredibly painful.

I wish you reach peace. One way or the other

18 months. I've been suicidal for a good 4 years, but the last 18 months have had the most ideation. More frequent thoughts (daily), more plans, more notes, more parasuicidal behavior. It comes and leaves, but it hasn't left since. This is the longest streak. Before, I wished I was dead, but it wasn't so frequent that it was always living in my mind rent free.

I mean, i was bullied by my family on a daily basis since i remember, so that was the initial cause of it, then when i was 13 i got put in therapy and even though they gave me tips and methods to overcome some emotions and thoughts i had they never worked. so at some point the therapist just kinda gave up and i havent been back since, im 18 now, sending hugs <33

They all tell you it's gonna be ok: psychotherapists, psychiatrists , other therapists but I'd be curious how many of them actually believe it.

How many of them hear your story and conclude on the spot that he/she is beyond salvation? But wtf am I gonna tell him/her? I can't tell em that

 

[caraphernelia]

Probably around 5/6 years I think. It started as a passing thought every now and then but in the last like 2 years it's been a thought that comes every day that I fixate on, the thought to CBT is rarely not in my head. It sucks but i've gotten used to it, I can't fathom the idea that some people never thing about wanting to die.

 

[7055692413]

About 2 years ago but it keeps getting worse since it started, at first it was just "i want to die" now it's "i'm gonna kill myself" with methods idea and all, it was not that serious before, now i know i'm able to attempt

 

[ddn.ctb]

Since I was 15, which is a long time ago.

The level of intensity changes over time, but as I get older the moment seems to be coming. It has moved from sometime to soon.

 

[Acuriouspasserby]

Quite a long time, about 3 to 4 years ago realised that everything is fucked, I mean the whole world tries to take you down. I have been stuck due to worrying what will happen to my parents.

 

[Scattered-Soul]

Since kindergarten age, the reasons have changed over the years or more like have piled up.

 

[sadmailman]

for 5 - 6 years.
for the first time i experienced such desire during my teenage years when it would be brushed off under the rug as "it's just a phase", but now it doesn't seem like "it's just a phase" to me anymore, since the longing for non-existence has been constantly with me for years.
and each day i analyse more of myself, my life, everything around me and find more reasons to actually ctb.