Discussion What are the reasons you haven't CTB

[peruguy23]

Well, I would like to find a peaceful way to do it. If possible, someone can accompany me and we can do it together.

 

[Kurai]

fear of failure fear of pain

 

[Avelyn]

I am a coward

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I feel no fear of the process of dying, I know exactly what awaits me. Hanging is a pleasant way to go.

I also don´t fear the state of being dead. I will die anyhow in the near future and have to take it as it comes no matter how and when I die.

It is the feeling that I could miss something good in my remaining lifetime. I kow this is irrational, because most likely there will be nobody and nothing left that could remember or regret anything it will probably be like before I was born.

Maybe my reasons to kill myself are not strong enaugh, first autassassinophilia and second to avoid the bodily and mental decay due to old age. I don´t believe that we have a free will, this is only an illusion, so I just have to wait and see what happens. This forum is at least motivating.

 

[banger12]

There are a couple, unfortunately. For one, I'm too broke, I can't afford and it's going to be rather hard to make the money I need to pull it off, especially on my preferred timeline.

But also there are also some fears that serve as obstacles, too. What if I am too afraid to pull the trigger in the moment? Or not even just fear, but what if I get that far and for whatever reason cannot pull the trigger? What if I get caught by family trying to procure the firearm? What if i pick an inadequate firearm? What if my plan gets thwarted and I'm forced into "treatment" and then under familial scrutiny? What if I'm a bad shot?

Tl;dr financial constraints + some persistent, recurring personal fears

 

[Sgrodolo]

Survival instinct has been too powerful to do either form of hanging. I'm hoping that SN will be my ticket out of here, as it is so much easier to drink some salty liquid than have a noose tighten around your neck causing anything from a mere sore throat to a muscular hematoma or dissections of the carotid arteries (essentially, rips/tears of the arteries. yikes). SN, in terms of actual physical damage, is much more gentle so I suppose that's a big plus for me.

Yeah I dunno how to describe it but when I'm on the verge of jumping I just get paralysed by fear

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Scared Because everything seems unreliable and/or way too complicated. I also discovered during two unreliable attempts that SI is indeed very hard to overcome no matter how bad you want to do it.

 

[Ms.Melancholy]

Survival Instinct, and fear of pain made me back down. I'll take this opportunity to share the story of my only attempt so far.

In the middle of the day, I got drunk, went to a nice, secluded, part of the forest around my city and set up my rope.
Instead, I started weeping, documenting my thoughts, even yelling for someone to come and save me. When noone came after an hour or so, I climbed up on the tree branch and sat there, noose around my neck. It would've been final (solid rope, noose, and anchorpoint), but I just couldn't jump off... I wanted to call someone, do anything but jump. Fear of all that pressure around my neck paralyzed me.

I then got off, sat on the ground defeated. After 30 minutes I was determined to try again, but as I got back up in the tree, a woman walking her dog came by. I scrambled to get everything off, I climbed down, greeted her with a simple "hello", and I shit you not, she only asked "are you hurt?", bright orange rope laying there on the ground, before continuing on her walk.

 

[Sgrodolo]

Survival Instinct, and fear of pain made me back down. I'll take this opportunity to share the story of my only attempt so far.

In the middle of the day, I got drunk, went to a nice, secluded, part of the forest around my city and set up my rope.
Instead, I started weeping, documenting my thoughts, even yelling for someone to come and save me. When noone came after an hour or so, I climbed up on the tree branch and sat there, noose around my neck. It would've been final (solid rope, noose, and anchorpoint), but I just couldn't jump off... I wanted to call someone, do anything but jump. Fear of all that pressure around my neck paralyzed me.

I then got off, sat on the ground defeated. After 30 minutes I was determined to try again, but as I got back up in the tree, a woman walking her dog came by. I scrambled to get everything off, I climbed down, greeted her with a simple "hello", and I shit you not, she only asked "are you hurt?", bright orange rope laying there on the ground, before continuing on her walk.

I have a record of at least a dozen of my attempts and they all ended like this
I don't even know what to do anymore

 

[wCvML2]

Have been oscillating for years between reason 1) disconnect from reality and becoming delusional from false hope to reason 2) realizing my situation and then being a coward that is too afraid to go through the discomfort of the dying process. I have a dozen of suicide plan drafts from times I was at point 2 but I haven't yet been able to overcome cowardice, and that cowardice pushes me back to point 1, and then repeat.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm just too lazy and stupid and I keep trying to make up excuses to put it off like I do everything else in life.

 

[HopeToStay]

Still waiting for some medical results to decide for sure.

Another reason is i'm only considering N and flying to Peru from Europe is a bit of a PITA and feels a bit final. I can't really afford to go to Peru and back if i don't CTB so i'd be committing to it a little bit. But i don't like the idea of committing to it, I'd rather do it on a whim one night without any planning or thought that oh this is my final X Y Z etc. It would be good to go out after having had a nice enjoyable day with no allusions that it would be your last.

 

[to fall to winter]

I do not wish to upset my family and the people I care about, so I keep finding things to look forward to, promising myself that after each thing, I will go through with it. But I keep finding things that are months away, and it has become frustrating. It's a weird mix of wanting to die while trying desperately for the sake of my family to convince myself I don't.

 

[zaxxy1810]

Only the fact that I think we still love each other and maybe there is still a possibility for us to be together, she and I. That alone still gives me some strength..

 

[Evelyn Lane]

That I do not know, I do not believe it was mentioned.

They actually did an in-depth analysis of all the different possible injuries and compared cadaver weight, noose type (if i remember correctly), how long they were suspended before they were found, how high up they were suspended, did they jump or not, the whole 9 yards. I really wish I had it still because it would be a very informative read for you. Honestly, that whole post was great since it had other studies that analyzed hangings. I wonder how it got deleted since, to my knowledge, we can't delete posts unless a mod removes it.

As for the muscles, if you're aware of the death process of hanging, you lose muscle tone around 2-4 minutes in (iirc). Which only further pressures your carotids, and presumably pulls on your muscles harder. Perhaps muscle and artery tears are only a concern once you've reached this point. But I also seem to recall another study that also covered individuals who were saved before death, and the possibility of developing an aneurysm in your carotid increased; to the point of it being an actual risk for survival post-attempt. But again, I do not have this study either, and my memory is not the best so I would advise you to also take this with a grain of salt.

Fuck, I really wish I could just drop some links and let you research for yourself. I checked out these studies like 8-10 months ago and my brain is scraping for this knowledge like a rusty hard drive lol. so, sorry about that.

Thank you for this very detailed answer.

So, are you saying that the muscular hematoma and dissections of the carotid arteries don't take place while you're still conscious?

 

[fatladysings]

Waiting for my 89 year old mother to die, once she goes I go

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

Thank you for this very detailed answer.

So, are you saying that the muscular hematoma and dissections of the carotid arteries don't take place while you're still conscious?

Sure thing, I apologize again for not having any sources.

And as for your question. I can't imagine that's really a concern, unless you drop hard into the noose or fall a couple feet (not enough to break neck, but enough to hurt bad). Smaller ropes like 6mm and under may play a factor in potentially causing damage while you're still conscious, since a smaller width = less area for the pressure to spread out. Also, it may be a concern if you're super skinny perhaps or have weak/atrophied muscles. Even then, I'm just talking out of my ass guessing. My whole issue with the whole hematoma and artery dissections (and why I even brought it up) is, even though I'd likely never have to experience it nor deal with the aftermath of them, I still don't like the idea of doing that kind of damage to myself. I feel like that was a large part of what fueled my SI with full hanging.