For how lond did you try to turn your life around/recover until you decided to CTB?

[ablationaaa457]

I've tried for years by now to recover. Every day it felt like a truly Sisyphean task, both in terms of effort and progress. I'd still always wake up tired, exhausted and incredibly stressed out, except even more so because now I had to pretend everything was 100% perfect and completely fine because every single person in my life expects me to instantly get over my own traumas and issues and clearly believe that recovery is a purely upward process that instantly takes fruit. I suppose, now, I've just completely given up on the idea of recovery. There is, factually, nothing I can do to make things better, and I know with absolute certainty that my future holds nothing of value, so for me I may as well just give up. Turns out I was right years ago, when I had the thought that I should just kill myself to make this world a better place. Granted, gathering more data and evidence to confirm this conclusion wasn't necessarily a bad decision.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

My mental problems got really bad at 24 but I managed to somewhat rebound for a while. Then around the age of 30 there was a steep decline again and I'm just exhausted. No desire to live anymore and no real joy in anything that isn't junk food or drugs. But even those don't do much anymore.

 

[venin]

About 17 years on and off with multiple half assed CTB attempts.

My first visit into a psych ward was when i was 16 i believe, that was after my 2nd CTB attempt. I went to the normal doc and told her i need help. She couldnt let me go after i told her what i tried and i was forcefully sent to the ward. No grudge or anything, she had to do that.

Now i am 33 and had like.. i have to guess.. around 12 stationary visits (locked and open wards), maybe like 6 daytime clinics where you can go home at the end of the day and come Back tomorrow, 1 special clinic that was know for their great therapy (and i agree with that), and an uncountable amounts of doctor/therapist/social worker visits.

It wasnt all useless, not at all. Sometimes it was super helpful and really really changed alot for me. I Met so many people to openly talk to and share experience and saw them healing as well, some of them still are going strong to this day. Sometimes i even got to know people that inspired me. Some Turned into year long friends.

Sometimes i was also unlucky and the stay at the psych ward or daytime clinic was horrible. It really depends on if you can "click" with some of the people there, which is just pure luck. In the end everyone is there to get help and work on themselves.

Anyways. 17 years on/off horrible times in my head, but also great times.
And now i learned so much about me, who i really am, how my thoughts work, my fears etc... now i am just tired.
I pretty much social distanced myself into my own world. I moved into a big City in germany years ago and nobody else is here.

Yea i gave up, i cant keep doing the same therapy stuff. Its exhausting and i just dont want that cycle anymore. But im not sad about it. Im happy that i can hopefully leave on my own terms. This time no more half assing things.

This made me feel peace. Thanks

I've personally never wished to exist at all, existence was never something desirable, I've only ever wished for the eternity of death which is always a valid and logical way to feel, it's perfectly logical wanting to permanently escape from all suffering.

Not everyone sees life as being something valuable in the first place and my wish to die isn't the problem or is something wrong, I see preferring to not exist as being aware in my case, it's having awareness that there's nothing desirable about existing, I don't wish to decay from age in an existence I never wanted to be burdened with in the first place.

I wish you leave asap and as peaceful as possible

I've tried for years by now to recover. Every day it felt like a truly Sisyphean task, both in terms of effort and progress. I'd still always wake up tired, exhausted and incredibly stressed out, except even more so because now I had to pretend everything was 100% perfect and completely fine because every single person in my life expects me to instantly get over my own traumas and issues and clearly believe that recovery is a purely upward process that instantly takes fruit. I suppose, now, I've just completely given up on the idea of recovery. There is, factually, nothing I can do to make things better, and I know with absolute certainty that my future holds nothing of value, so for me I may as well just give up. Turns out I was right years ago, when I had the thought that I should just kill myself to make this world a better place. Granted, gathering more data and evidence to confirm this conclusion wasn't necessarily a bad decision.

It truly is a sisyphean task. The worst thing is that you don't get to keep the progress you make. It could just fade in a couple of seconds. It's so discouraging…

My mental problems got really bad at 24 but I managed to somewhat rebound for a while. Then around the age of 30 there was a steep decline again and I'm just exhausted. No desire to live anymore and no real joy in anything that isn't junk food or drugs. But even those don't do much anymore.

It just breaks you at some point

 

[PracheenKaal_00!]

For how lond did you try to turn your life around/recover until you decided to CTB?

Whatever I've typed is serious.
I tried to take help and sort out my issues for 7+ years. I've given up and made up mind to CBT by Dec / Jan at max.

I was constantly bullied in a very bad manner since 1st grade. I tried to to sort out my mental health issues from 6th grade (Since 2015), added to the fact mentally and psychologically damaging bullying. Added to the fact that my reputation took a bad hit, and my self esteem declined. Added to the fact that I was defamed in school due to a false rumor.

It became worse in 10th grade, severe bullying and terrible social anxiety. I wonder how I survived. If suicide came across my mind during that time, I would've CTB for sure. It was okay in 11th and 12th grade, however my mental health got worse in the beginning of univ classes. I took help. It worked, albeit temporarily only. Right now I am in my final year of univ classes. My mental health condition has been worsening in a severe manner.

Right now I'm unable to control my mind and facial expressions. It began in May of this yr, it has been getting only worse as the days pass by. I don't want to take help anymore.
Y'all may ask why?, in my country, mental health is a huge taboo. If they get to know about anyone's mental health conditions, they will severely bully and mock them.

Presently, 2-3 people for sure have taken videos of me in public (Unfortunately that day I was not wearing masks, big mistake, I was struggling to control my facial expressions). Videos of it has not gone viral yet.
I've been wearing masks, which helped hide my condition to a partial extent. However, people have been nagging about me wearing my mask. If I remove my masks, my reputation will be permanently sealed.

My reptation has already taken a bad hit, and I've seen how people are capable of treating ya badly. At that point I realized that it's worthless to continue living. If i take help, it might not work again. Why should I continue suffering?

I can't live like this anymore. I had hopes. I thought people would be kind and understanding. Nope, that wasn't the case at all.

At this point I am exhausted, I have completely given up. It's just a matter of time.

7+ years of trying led to not much improvement. I will CTB by Dec 2023/ Jan 2024 no matter what.

 

[TheRottingContinues]

I didn't pick up that I was getting suicidal or depressed because my ego blocked me from seeing it. Deep down I knew that I was getting depressed, but back then, I didn't see any problem with it because I thought "thats just the way I am." I want to go back and punch my past self.

 

[BornByGhosts]

since 2017 so at least six years

 

[venin]

Whatever I've typed is serious.
I tried to take help and sort out my issues for 7+ years. I've given up and made up mind to CBT by Dec / Jan at max.

I was constantly bullied in a very bad manner since 1st grade. I tried to to sort out my mental health issues from 6th grade (Since 2015), added to the fact mentally and psychologically damaging bullying. Added to the fact that my reputation took a bad hit, and my self esteem declined. Added to the fact that I was defamed in school due to a false rumor.

It became worse in 10th grade, severe bullying and terrible social anxiety. I wonder how I survived. If suicide came across my mind during that time, I would've CTB for sure. It was okay in 11th and 12th grade, however my mental health got worse in the beginning of univ classes. I took help. It worked, albeit temporarily only. Right now I am in my final year of univ classes. My mental health condition has been worsening in a severe manner.

Right now I'm unable to control my mind and facial expressions. It began in May of this yr, it has been getting only worse as the days pass by. I don't want to take help anymore.
Y'all may ask why?, in my country, mental health is a huge taboo. If they get to know about anyone's mental health conditions, they will severely bully and mock them.

Presently, 2-3 people for sure have taken videos of me in public (Unfortunately that day I was not wearing masks, big mistake, I was struggling to control my facial expressions). Videos of it has not gone viral yet.
I've been wearing masks, which helped hide my condition to a partial extent. However, people have been nagging about me wearing my mask. If I remove my masks, my reputation will be permanently sealed.

My reptation has already taken a bad hit, and I've seen how people are capable of treating ya badly. At that point I realized that it's worthless to continue living. If i take help, it might not work again. Why should I continue suffering?

I can't live like this anymore. I had hopes. I thought people would be kind and understanding. Nope, that wasn't the case at all.

At this point I am exhausted, I have completely given up. It's just a matter of time.

7+ years of trying led to not much improvement. I will CTB by Dec 2023/ Jan 2024 no matter what.

I'm really sorry those sons of bitches did that to you

I wish you peaceful days & a peaceful death if it comes to it.

May I ask what are you afraid of them seing?

 

[fedupwithlife]

recovery is a waste of time, it won't get better

It does get better for some but youre right about it not being guaranteed

 

[venin]

It does get better for some but youre right about it not being guaranteed

You'te certainly right. But another question arises: better enough?

I honestly wouldn't settle for feeling just a bit better, for example.

 

[BlazingBob]

35 years of fighting extreme depression and for the last 20 of those also battling a torturous, incurable progressive neurological disease. My situation is hopeless. It's a tough pill to swallow.

 

[Maeve]

Still trying. I don't want to be part of a statistic transphobes use against us.

But i feel like i am losing this fight :(

 

[PracheenKaal_00!]

I'm really sorry those sons of bitches did that to you

I wish you peaceful days & a peaceful death if it comes to it.

May I ask what are you afraid of them seing?

What I'm afraid of them seeing is my uncontrollable facial expressions, recording me and the videos of it going viral. We truly have no idea regarding how evil people can become to destroy one's life.

For context, It was in 2017 when I was in 7th grade, I was defamed badly. Reason u may ask, I just asked one of the teachers to inform the other classmate not to torment me. I had tried to ignore it before, reason it with the other classmate. Nothing had worked so only I had informed the teacher. It did not sit well with other classmate. He and other classmates proceeded to make a false rumor about me and spread it. Unfortunately, a considerable amount of my classmates believed them.

In 10th grade, I encountered one of the worst bullying I've been through (I'm not at all exaggerating about this). I was struggling in 2 subjects, was introverted. just kept to myself. Other classmates just tormented me for their ego, stress that they faced, status and respect in front of other classmates. Luckily for me, they did not take videos of me. Unfortunately, at least 2-3 other classmates that I know, faced even worse. Their videos / pics were taken, memes made out of them etc. (It was really bad, luckily never happened to me). Some even got into physical altercations (Thankfully never happened to me at all).

I was bullied on a near routine basis. I was happy only when it was the last day of school before I would change schools. I kid you not, I was literally so happy. However, the psychologically and mentally damaging bullying that I faced was enough to cause me to become paranoid of people. Also, my self esteem plummeted.

To answer ur question:
Now, coming to the present context. As I had mentioned, I am unable to control my facial expressions, and it's getting worse with the progressing days. Added to the fact that I have severe maladaptive daydreaming, which causes me to keep zoning out. Added to the fact that I'm introverted. Now because of my uncontrollable facial expressions, people will assume that I'm mentally retarded, bully me and my family, take videos / pictures of me. The videos could go viral.

One day I was outside, I was trying to regain control over my facial expressions. Unfortunately that day I was not wearing a mask. 2-3 people took videos of me. Thankfully I don't think they've posted the videos online and it has not gone viral at all. Big mistake, I'll never go outside without wearing a mask.

To make it worse, people are nagging me about me wearing the mask and are asking me to remove it. If I remove my mask, my reputation will be permanently sealed for good. Also, from the country I'm in (India), mental health is a huge taboo (at least among large % of population). I cannot just go and explain my mental health condition and struggles. They will mock me and bully me. I'm still wearing masks to try and protect the remaining good / decent reputation that I have. Also I am paranoid of people more than before, especially when they take their phones out and I fear that they would record me.

It's a losing battle that I will not be able to win. Also I have seen the wickedness of people. The longer I live, the worse it gets. If my condition is severe beyond my point of control, I'll CTB earlier than expected. Otherwise I'll go with the planned months of Dec 2023 / Jan 2024.

I have reached the decision of CTB myself. I am losing control over my facial expressions, my mind, my sanity. It feels like I am trapped while being helpless. I am losing control. I cannot handle this anymore. I will not be alive beyond Jan 2024, I cannot handle this, no more.... Just no. I had hopes, hopes are tarnished now. I've learnt the hard way. I have no more hopes. Hope to exit this world and not live beyond Jan end. I just cannot....

 

[venin]

What I'm afraid of them seeing is my uncontrollable facial expressions, recording me and the videos of it going viral. We truly have no idea regarding how evil people can become to destroy one's life.

For context, It was in 2017 when I was in 7th grade, I was defamed badly. Reason u may ask, I just asked one of the teachers to inform the other classmate not to torment me. I had tried to ignore it before, reason it with the other classmate. Nothing had worked so only I had informed the teacher. It did not sit well with other classmate. He and other classmates proceeded to make a false rumor about me and spread it. Unfortunately, a considerable amount of my classmates believed them.

In 10th grade, I encountered one of the worst bullying I've been through (I'm not at all exaggerating about this). I was struggling in 2 subjects, was introverted. just kept to myself. Other classmates just tormented me for their ego, stress that they faced, status and respect in front of other classmates. Luckily for me, they did not take videos of me. Unfortunately, at least 2-3 other classmates that I know, faced even worse. Their videos / pics were taken, memes made out of them etc. (It was really bad, luckily never happened to me). Some even got into physical altercations (Thankfully never happened to me at all).

I was bullied on a near routine basis. I was happy only when it was the last day of school before I would change schools. I kid you not, I was literally so happy. However, the psychologically and mentally damaging bullying that I faced was enough to cause me to become paranoid of people. Also, my self esteem plummeted.

To answer ur question:
Now, coming to the present context. As I had mentioned, I am unable to control my facial expressions, and it's getting worse with the progressing days. Added to the fact that I have severe maladaptive daydreaming, which causes me to keep zoning out. Added to the fact that I'm introverted. Now because of my uncontrollable facial expressions, people will assume that I'm mentally retarded, bully me and my family, take videos / pictures of me. The videos could go viral.

One day I was outside, I was trying to regain control over my facial expressions. Unfortunately that day I was not wearing a mask. 2-3 people took videos of me. Thankfully I don't think they've posted the videos online and it has not gone viral at all. Big mistake, I'll never go outside without wearing a mask.

To make it worse, people are nagging me about me wearing the mask and are asking me to remove it. If I remove my mask, my reputation will be permanently sealed for good. Also, from the country I'm in (India), mental health is a huge taboo (at least among large % of population). I cannot just go and explain my mental health condition and struggles. They will mock me and bully me. I'm still wearing masks to try and protect the remaining good / decent reputation that I have. Also I am paranoid of people more than before, especially when they take their phones out and I fear that they would record me.

It's a losing battle that I will not be able to win. Also I have seen the wickedness of people. The longer I live, the worse it gets. If my condition is severe beyond my point of control, I'll CTB earlier than expected. Otherwise I'll go with the planned months of Dec 2023 / Jan 2024.

I have reached the decision of CTB myself. I am losing control over my facial expressions, my mind, my sanity. It feels like I am trapped while being helpless. I am losing control. I cannot handle this anymore. I will not be alive beyond Jan 2024, I cannot handle this, no more.... Just no. I had hopes, hopes are tarnished now. I've learnt the hard way. I have no more hopes. Hope to exit this world and not live beyond Jan end. I just cannot....

I completely understand

It must be really tough to not be able to control your facial expressions…

The bulying amazes me. Idk why but I thought oriental people would be kinder

I really hope you reach peace. One way or the other

Still trying. I don't want to be part of a statistic transphobes use against us.

But i feel like i am losing this fight :(

I'm sorry to hear that although I do now how it feels to not be able to accept your life anymore…

 

[PracheenKaal_00!]

I completely understand

It must be really tough to not be able to control your facial expressions…

The bulying amazes me. Idk why but I thought oriental people would be kinder

I really hope you reach peace. One way or the other

 

[lachrymost]

It's been fifteen years, in a sense. I made a lot of progress after much hardship, but perversely that only precipitated my downfall. Two steps forward, one billion back. My life has been a scam and I loathe it from my bottomless heart.

 

[venin]

It's been fifteen years, in a sense. I made a lot of progress after much hardship, but perversely that only precipitated my downfall. Two steps forward, one billion back. My life has been a scam and I loathe it from my bottomless heart.

Relate

 

[Parnate]

Nine years , the first time i thought about CTB was after nine years of recurrent struggle

 

[venin]

Nine years , the first time i thought about CTB was after nine years of recurrent struggle

That's a lot…

Nine years , the first time i thought about CTB was after nine years of recurrent struggle

How are you now?

 

[ShrimpSB]

Somewhere between 6-7 years. My reason back then for ctb was that life was pointless and that all you do is wake up, go to work, eat, go home, and sleep. For a couple years did therapy, and it "helped" as a bandaid, but never really fixed the core problems of why I wanted to ctb. Nothing changed in the end, and in fact it all got worse and just reaffirmed my beliefs from back then.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

I would probs say 3-4 years? but my suffering was since i was young so i never truley wanted to be alive i just didnt know what ctb reallt ment till i was a bit older

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

For how lond did you try to turn your life around/recover until you decided to CTB?

it's been around 7 years since things started getting progressively worse with work, family and health, of course I've had momentary or temporary relief and joy so that's why I'm still here and not in some dumpster in the streets, but it's been around 2 years since I've had suicidal ideation and planning, im still trying to get better somehow, emotionally at least or with things that are in my control, but I still think I should ctb eventually, I already have a plan…

 

[Parnate]

That's a lot…

How are you now?

I am horrible and highly dysfunctional. Well but i feel relieved since all this will end soon.