FleetingNight's Vent Thread

[fleetingnight]

Maybe it's weird to daydream about, but I was fantasizing about falling asleep as I died, telling myself I'm just going to sleep, and being finally able to die. I doubt anything that can do that is obtainable, but I'm so desperate for it now. I'm looking up every prescription I've had or been recommended for something that stands a chance

 

[fleetingnight]

It's not a big deal if a random 20-something with no accomplishments to speak of kills themselves. At least, it doesn't affect the world/universe that much. So I shouldn't find it such a big deal to kill myself. Other people will do anything I would've done, but much better. Even if I'm not remembered, that's the beauty of being dead- I won't notice.

Why am I putting myself through suffering for any longer? I have an okay jumping spot, and I have some OD ideas. If I just had them on hand, I'm sure I could go through with it tonight. I'm so tired, it sounds nice to finally rest.

I want to take whatever pills I have around, but I should wait to get my hands on sedatives so I have a chance. I havae some things I should get done before I die, but, tbh, who cares

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm afraid of what people might find when going through my belongings after I die. I'm a very secretive person. For some reason, I'm terrified of people knowing certain things about me even after I die. I feel like I need to burn all my old journals to keep my thoughts private. I should've a long time ago. I shouldn't even have written them.

And yet, here I am, writing so many thoughts here. I don't want people I know to know how I feel, but I want someone to. How weird is that? Am I a private person or not? What's wrong with me?

I guess I prefer parasocial relationships to real ones. Maybe because they aren't as close?

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm tired of nothing good ever happening.
Even if some tiny, good thing happens, does that make up for how it is the rest of the time? I don't mean to sound ungrateful or wallow in my misery, but I don't think so. I admire people who can enjoy the little things and get by that way, I really do. I'm jealous of them. I just don't get how they do. I bring myself to smile when I hear good news only so I don't bring others down. But I'm beginning to lose the strength just to do that, and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to.

 

[fleetingnight]

I heard before that people might be more likely to CTB when they aren't at their most depressed, but close to it. At your most depressed, you may not have the motivation to go through the effort of CTB, no matter how much you want to. I think I'm experiencing that now. When I do a lot of planning, I'm usually feeling better. Sometimes, even planning makes me feel better. But when I'm desperate to die, I'm too tired to do anything about it. I get the urge to do something impulsive and "easy" that's likely to fail. I don't even want to write a will, note, or anything. I guess that's why I should get my planning done when I'm not at my lowest, so it's ready to go when I am. But, of course, when I'm not at my lowest, I question if I should even do it. I've even tried "helping" my future self by getting rid of means of SH and CTB when I'm feeling better, which is nothing but a pain in the ass and a reason to hate my past self even more, lol

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(Separate vent)

I hide a lot of things about myself to avoid worrying people, but then I get the urge to share them all here, and often I do share them. Why? I guess it makes sense to want somebody to know how I feel. But does that mean that I'm okay with all of you worrying about me? A lot of you are much nicer to me than many of the people I hide things from to "protect," so I shouldn't be treating you worse than them. I guess, a lot of you can handle hearing about that kind of thing. I don't know, I still think it's attention-seeking and shitty of me

 

[fleetingnight]

I need to get out of my parents house. No idea how I ever will. I can't even hold a part-time job for very long. I can't stand being here. I don't like what they already know about me, and I'm having a hard time hiding the rest while we're under the same roof. I know I'll never be free to be myself in public, but I want to be able to do it in my own home. I can't with them watching me. I hate it. It's humiliating. Being visibly mentally ill and acting like that in front of them is humiliating. Being high and trying to hide it in front of them is humiliating. I can't even dress comfortably in my house, because if I worse short sleeves, they'd see how much I self harm. I don't even feel safe in my room unless I lock my door. Even then, if they rlly wanted to get in, I'm afraid they're not above removing my door. And I can't even complain about it, because they let me live here rent free, give me food, even help me with my chores. I have no right to complain, no matter how much I don't even wanna be here, cause in the end, they don't have to let me stay. They're being nice to me, so I have no right to complain.

 

[fleetingnight]

The thing is, right now, I don't want to die. I have goals, which are unrealistic, but I still want them. There are plans I'm looking forward to. Still things I want to do.

But, being alive is so painful. Physically, mentally, emotionally painful. My body is always sore from just existing. I can fix my posture, I can exercise, but that's one more thing I need to find the time and energy to do. I need to spend most of my time doing something I don't want to in order to earn a living. But, that's not quite true, even. I've done the math, and I can't find a way to get by without two jobs. That's going to take up more than half of my life. And then, I need the time and energy to cook, because I can't afford takeout every day, and I can't starve to death. And, also, I need to take care of hygiene and cleaning/housekeeping, or I'll get sick. Also, I'm expected to find the time to talk to family and friends. I'm supposed to have time to sleep, too, aren't I?

The more I think about it, I feel like life gets bad when you're an adult, because you're an adult, and there's no fixing that. I don't like to think so black and white. I know that's a pessmisstic doomer take probably born from my own immaturity. But I just can't imagine a life where you do all the things an adult needs to do, and still feel happy. Some people have others to help them, but what if I can't rely on people? And, even if I could, wouldn't them taking care of me take even more of the little, tiny bit of free time we all have, and then they would be suffering? People say a balance can be made, but I don't know, can it always? If I'm not comfortable with romance, does that mean it's over for me, unless I can brainwash myself into liking it? I know, to someone else, the answers must seem simple, and everything I'm saying seems uneducated. But, to me, the opposite is what seems unfathomable and unreasonable, and I can't understand it if I try.

Huh, I never know when to take things off the vent thread and make a new one. I want people's opinions on this, but I don't know how original of a dicussion this is. Maybe I can find an old one about it, I'm not sure.

 

[fleetingnight]

I don't deserve pity, but I crave it an unbearable amount. I say and do what I need to to get it.

 

[fleetingnight]

If I ever become a success story of recovery, I hope people realize I don't deserve it, and are angry about it, and I die in an accident or something.

 

[fleetingnight]

Just basically shamed by the doctor for taking "too many" meds. They didn't outright say it was bad, but they kept implying I shouldn't be taking so much, and their tone sounded judgmental. Also, had all my concerns disregarded as "probably side effects." I remember why I stopped turning to doctors and began trying to treat myself on my own, lol

 

[themonkeymaan]

I don't want to die. I really don't. But I don't think there's another choice for me, I don't know what to do what to do

I could get a rope. I don't want to, but I could. I'm not that good at forcing myself to do thing I don't want to, but I can when I really have to. I think I have to

My dreams mean nothing. My "life's purpose" is a hobby that I'm fucking bad at. It's not worth the amount of pain I feel every day. It can't just be "bad luck." It can't just be "coincidences." It's me. I'm just useless. The only thing I can do correctly is feel pain and misery. I don't want to die, but I don't know how much more of this I can take

I can relate to you so much my life's purpose is documentries and photography but I suck at documentaries and I'm half assed at photography

 

[fleetingnight]

I was doing so well today, but halfway through the day, I lost focus, for some reason. I can hardly feel good about being productive for half the day. If I spend the other half being useless, it evens out to below average anyways. It doesn't fix the problem of having too much on my plate. So, even if I give myself credit, I can't relax.

I thought I would go to sleep at a normal time tonight, since I barely slept last night. But I should've known better. I don't have any self discipline at all. I feel like crying when I look at the time. When did it get this late again? I guess that's what happens when you're high all the time, though. That's at least partly, probably mostly, my fault.

 

[fleetingnight]

Every mistake I make, makes me want to kill myself even more.

Even if it's just a small mistake, I'm not reassured by that. If you make one tiny mistake every time you do anything, it adds up, and you'll feel completely useless, as a person.

Each mistake I make is like a reminder that the world is too complicated for someone as stupid as me to survive in. If I screw up everything I do, I'll never get anywhere. I'll lose every job. I'll lose every friend. I'll screw up every accomplishment I ever make. That's how it feels.

Should rename the thread "fleetingnight's self-pity party," that's what it feels like, lol.

 

[fleetingnight]

I want to die. I just want to die. I should be murdered. I'm such a shitty person. I can't even bring myself to talk about all the awful things I do, which gives the illusion of me being a nice person whose only self-hating because they're depressed, not for a good reason. I'm really an asshole to people. I don't deserve the recovery or sympathy I crave all the time. I keep on hurting people, and my actions should have consequences.

Fuck what's for my own good. Why should I even worry about my own good? I need to die so I stop hurting people. Fuck how I feel about it.

 

[fleetingnight]

At the risk of being misinterpreted as prolife, one thing this site really drills into you is the regret of not reaching out to people you have something to say to

I don't mean trying to talk people out of it, but anything you wanted to tell people. Something you liked about them. Or something you understood about them. Anything you wanted to talk to them about.

Fuck my fear of saying the wrong thing, now I can't say anything anymore.

 

[fleetingnight]

It feels so pointless trying to improve my life, but it's unbearable to live without moving towards either life or death. I don't have the guts or method to die yet, so I guess I'll try and clean and study today. It feels so meaningless. I'm sure I'll hardly get anything done, like usual. I hope the courage to die will come for me. I'm sick of being here. I know it's not going to get any better.

 

[fleetingnight]

Jumping in front of a train feels so easy. I don't like that method, but I bet I could do it. One impulsive decision and it's finally done. I wonder what the survival chance is, but maybe I'm afraid looking it up will make me too hesitant. If I'm wasted, people might even think it's an accident. I don't know if that's less depressing to my loved ones, but probably. And at least they wouldn't blame themselves.

I imagine it being over too quickly for me to feel any regret. I don't know if that's actually how it would be. But, at least my regret wouldn't stop anything.

I wish I lived somewhere where subways ran 24/7. The ones here run late enough that I could miss most after-work commuters, though. I hate to think of anyone who's gonna be there to see it, though. I can only hope it's completely empty by luck, and hope the workers don't see much before calling 911.

 

[fleetingnight]

"Try not to think about it" is my mantra these days