Long Post
So I did find a job at a hotel as a front desk agent.
But what I don't think I mentioned was I also had the opportunity to be a cashier at a grocery store.
During the interview he said they would reach out to me.
At that time I had decided whoever called me first to offer a job I would take it.
The hotel contacted me first so I took it.
I was tired of interviewing an tired of waiting so I took it.
Of course now I'm wondering if I made another wrong decision.
I've been there for 4 days so far and being there reminds me of why I hope to succeed when I kill myself.
I'm really good at masking...so far the guest that I encounter seem to find me charming.
They compliment me often.
Little do they know inside I'm just devastated to be here.
I've encountered many red flags before I even start my second week.
They are extremely understaffed
Terrible training
Dirty and unorganized
Inconsistent
The hotel is in shambles
I'm a person that picks up on energy. I am also very observant.
There is an older man who works there. He has to be in his 70s.
He's been in the company since 2010 and at this property for 2 years. I've seen great comments from guest about him on Google reviews and TripAdvisor.
He seems to know the job well. But it seems like they are trying to push him out.
The so called owner of the hotel was visiting on my 4th day of work.
I heard the gm asking my supervisor who would be working the day of his arrival because he wants his best agent there. The supervisor said who and the gm didn't like that so he asked for some others.
As they discussed he looks at me and asked can you work...I think you're a better look for the hotel.
I was flattered but confused as that would be my 4th day and I'm training.
But they decided to let me go home early so I could come in early for that day.
When I came in I saw the old man. I felt a little relieved because I thought he would be training me for the day and i feel comfortable with his energy.
And since they are understaffed I thought they were trying to have 2 people at the desk instead of 1 majority of the time and 2 every blue moon.
But they sent him home. He told me how he was written up for minor issues.
Before he left he said I think they are sending me home because they don't want me here when the owner arrives.
Immediately my senses went up. I recognize when it comes to the best employee they often get treated like shit.
With him being older they are also probably age discriminating.
I know he could probably train me better and knows alot but so far it hasn't happened.
Big red flags that tell me I'm in trouble.
I asked if there was an area for employees to store food and take breaks but I have yet to see it.
I actually don't take breaks. I work 8hrs straight. I'm new but I've been left at the desk by myself for hours on end.
Being left alone I don't mind so much but the 8hrs and no break...why would they do that knowing it's against the law.
Yes I haven't spoken up yet because I'm in a situation where I need the job. I sense they know that and are taking advantage of it.
I also haven't spoken up because speaking up gets me in trouble. I speak directly and no matter how calm or nice I try to say what I need to say I get labeled the attitude problem.
But it looks like I have no choice. It's asinine for them to think 1 person should work 8hrs with no break.
I haven't filled out any tax forms or direct deposit forms. When I brought it up he said we'll get to it and when I got home I noticed at 2am I was sent the on boarding link.
I probably should of done this my first day. And I don't even know what to log onto because the link just gives notifications of tasks not the actual site or app they use.
Once I added all these warnings up I thought how long will I last here.
My very first night when I got home my body and feet were on fire. When I laid down to sleep I could hear and feel my heart racing and pumping hard.
I thought to myself I'm completely burnt out.
I'm older yes and I often joke and say I'm old but really I know I shouldn't be feeling like this.
I think depression has really worn me down so much so that I can't function physically the way I could when I was in my 20s.
The pains, aches and tiredness is very different.
This job reminds me why I want to die in the first place.
The Unessecary nitpicking
The mistreatment of good people
It's too much.
I'm not sure why I continue on other than the fact I wanna keep my place and car a little longer and pay down some debt.
And need money to afford my method.
Which brings me to
A source was kind enough to bless me.
I just need to get testing materials.
I'm doing my best to be smart and patient. Because I can't lie.
As terrified as I am knowing that I have SN in my cabinet makes me feel like I have choice.
I have just enough money to pay for my rent and car. So I have the option of dying at home like I want.
I don't wanna be impulsive but I also don't wanna overthink and plan as I do just to fail again.
But it's so hard not to just say fuck it and go for it because ironic it seems those who just do it succeed.
All these materials needed and regimen and testing gives me school anxiety.
But I'm going to try my best because that's really all I can do.
I'm tired of waking up sad and angry.
Crying everyday.
Constantly anxious and anxiety and fear to speak up, to defend myself, to worry about how I say things and having to watch my tone because I don't wanna be perceived wrong.
It's funny that ever since I came home from the hospital my mom calls me more than she has my entire life.
I think she really wants to keep me alive but for me it's too late. To me when I was 12 and in the hospital for suicide that would of been time for intervention.
When I was 16 that would of been time for intervention.
Now that I see how the world treats me you can't try now to keep me alive and convince me that it could get better.
And really she's not doing out of love it's out of guilt.
I remember when she admitted in some way that's how she feels. I did tell her it wouldn't be your fault. I truly believe she's a big part of why I'm a failure but I guess I don't harp on it as much as I did as a child.
I still have lots of resentment and not understanding about why I was so neglected as a child and I still feel guilty for it but nothing can change it.
So I try to focus on my goal which is leaving this earth.
All I know is I need this attempt to be my final.
I can't take another year of pain..tiredness..anger..loneliness...and questioning myself constantly asking what did I do to deserve this when I know I didn't do anything.
I can't worry about other people's feelings or thoughts about me and what I'll choose to do.
I woke up praying and crying this morning that when I try please let it work. I know it's crazy to pray to God for death but I am.
I wanna die young...I don't wanna wait till I'm old.
I don't wanna wait for another disaster.
I wanna go now.
I've done my best. I accepted many things I didn't wanna do just to survive and keep some peace.
I have been told I'm mean..selfish...evil..bad attitude but I know I'm a good person and kind. I wasn't given love and kindness so I think under those circumstances I turned out pretty good.
I deserve heaven.
Today is my last day off so I'll go back to bed now.
Any advice or feedback back is appreciated.
I'm so grateful for my source and all of you.
The understanding and empathy you all provide means so much to me.
So I did find a job at a hotel as a front desk agent.
But what I don't think I mentioned was I also had the opportunity to be a cashier at a grocery store.
During the interview he said they would reach out to me.
At that time I had decided whoever called me first to offer a job I would take it.
The hotel contacted me first so I took it.
I was tired of interviewing an tired of waiting so I took it.
Of course now I'm wondering if I made another wrong decision.
I've been there for 4 days so far and being there reminds me of why I hope to succeed when I kill myself.
I'm really good at masking...so far the guest that I encounter seem to find me charming.
They compliment me often.
Little do they know inside I'm just devastated to be here.
I've encountered many red flags before I even start my second week.
They are extremely understaffed
Terrible training
Dirty and unorganized
Inconsistent
The hotel is in shambles
I'm a person that picks up on energy. I am also very observant.
There is an older man who works there. He has to be in his 70s.
He's been in the company since 2010 and at this property for 2 years. I've seen great comments from guest about him on Google reviews and TripAdvisor.
He seems to know the job well. But it seems like they are trying to push him out.
The so called owner of the hotel was visiting on my 4th day of work.
I heard the gm asking my supervisor who would be working the day of his arrival because he wants his best agent there. The supervisor said who and the gm didn't like that so he asked for some others.
As they discussed he looks at me and asked can you work...I think you're a better look for the hotel.
I was flattered but confused as that would be my 4th day and I'm training.
But they decided to let me go home early so I could come in early for that day.
When I came in I saw the old man. I felt a little relieved because I thought he would be training me for the day and i feel comfortable with his energy.
And since they are understaffed I thought they were trying to have 2 people at the desk instead of 1 majority of the time and 2 every blue moon.
But they sent him home. He told me how he was written up for minor issues.
Before he left he said I think they are sending me home because they don't want me here when the owner arrives.
Immediately my senses went up. I recognize when it comes to the best employee they often get treated like shit.
With him being older they are also probably age discriminating.
I know he could probably train me better and knows alot but so far it hasn't happened.
Big red flags that tell me I'm in trouble.
I asked if there was an area for employees to store food and take breaks but I have yet to see it.
I actually don't take breaks. I work 8hrs straight. I'm new but I've been left at the desk by myself for hours on end.
Being left alone I don't mind so much but the 8hrs and no break...why would they do that knowing it's against the law.
Yes I haven't spoken up yet because I'm in a situation where I need the job. I sense they know that and are taking advantage of it.
I also haven't spoken up because speaking up gets me in trouble. I speak directly and no matter how calm or nice I try to say what I need to say I get labeled the attitude problem.
But it looks like I have no choice. It's asinine for them to think 1 person should work 8hrs with no break.
I haven't filled out any tax forms or direct deposit forms. When I brought it up he said we'll get to it and when I got home I noticed at 2am I was sent the on boarding link.
I probably should of done this my first day. And I don't even know what to log onto because the link just gives notifications of tasks not the actual site or app they use.
Once I added all these warnings up I thought how long will I last here.
My very first night when I got home my body and feet were on fire. When I laid down to sleep I could hear and feel my heart racing and pumping hard.
I thought to myself I'm completely burnt out.
I'm older yes and I often joke and say I'm old but really I know I shouldn't be feeling like this.
I think depression has really worn me down so much so that I can't function physically the way I could when I was in my 20s.
The pains, aches and tiredness is very different.
This job reminds me why I want to die in the first place.
The Unessecary nitpicking
The mistreatment of good people
It's too much.
I'm not sure why I continue on other than the fact I wanna keep my place and car a little longer and pay down some debt.
And need money to afford my method.
Which brings me to
A source was kind enough to bless me.
I just need to get testing materials.
I'm doing my best to be smart and patient. Because I can't lie.
As terrified as I am knowing that I have SN in my cabinet makes me feel like I have choice.
I have just enough money to pay for my rent and car. So I have the option of dying at home like I want.
I don't wanna be impulsive but I also don't wanna overthink and plan as I do just to fail again.
But it's so hard not to just say fuck it and go for it because ironic it seems those who just do it succeed.
All these materials needed and regimen and testing gives me school anxiety.
But I'm going to try my best because that's really all I can do.
I'm tired of waking up sad and angry.
Crying everyday.
Constantly anxious and anxiety and fear to speak up, to defend myself, to worry about how I say things and having to watch my tone because I don't wanna be perceived wrong.
It's funny that ever since I came home from the hospital my mom calls me more than she has my entire life.
I think she really wants to keep me alive but for me it's too late. To me when I was 12 and in the hospital for suicide that would of been time for intervention.
When I was 16 that would of been time for intervention.
Now that I see how the world treats me you can't try now to keep me alive and convince me that it could get better.
And really she's not doing out of love it's out of guilt.
I remember when she admitted in some way that's how she feels. I did tell her it wouldn't be your fault. I truly believe she's a big part of why I'm a failure but I guess I don't harp on it as much as I did as a child.
I still have lots of resentment and not understanding about why I was so neglected as a child and I still feel guilty for it but nothing can change it.
So I try to focus on my goal which is leaving this earth.
All I know is I need this attempt to be my final.
I can't take another year of pain..tiredness..anger..loneliness...and questioning myself constantly asking what did I do to deserve this when I know I didn't do anything.
I can't worry about other people's feelings or thoughts about me and what I'll choose to do.
I woke up praying and crying this morning that when I try please let it work. I know it's crazy to pray to God for death but I am.
I wanna die young...I don't wanna wait till I'm old.
I don't wanna wait for another disaster.
I wanna go now.
I've done my best. I accepted many things I didn't wanna do just to survive and keep some peace.
I have been told I'm mean..selfish...evil..bad attitude but I know I'm a good person and kind. I wasn't given love and kindness so I think under those circumstances I turned out pretty good.
I deserve heaven.
Today is my last day off so I'll go back to bed now.
Any advice or feedback back is appreciated.
I'm so grateful for my source and all of you.
The understanding and empathy you all provide means so much to me.
You deserved so much better. I don't think you are a mean person just a lost person who has been through so much. 
