Venting First Time Post Need to Vent

[Keliphah]

Hey so first time post so I figure a small introduction is helpful.
I'm a 31 year old woman and live in Australia. I have confirmed diagnoses of anxiety, PTSD and Depression with a history of 2 suicide attempts.

So as you can guess, I'm here because I'm still suicidal.

It's all been piling up lately and culminated yesterday and today in the need to vent. I try hard to get better but honestly when option after option fails, suicide looks like the best option out of suffering.

Yesterday a friend came over and we reached out for help together. Mental Health care is woeful in this country. The only option I had was to go to the emergency department.
They were kind but less helpful. "Here's a safety plan" "You need to talk to x, y, z person".
They at least started me on a new medication. 10 bucks it fails like all the rest.

All I can think about is self-harm and Suicide. Every waking moment of the day.

My brain tells me I'm in pain all the time but it's not physical.

I'm a Christian too. That doesn't stop me considering suicide though.
What pissed me off and pushed me to write this post was the response of my church. Like many church's they're trying hard to reduce abuse. Only now it's so much of a swing the other way that it's seen as a problem if I stand in a room on my own with a guy. What kicked it off was the other night at a small course and I wasn't even allowed to put my cup in the sink afterwards because of the "risk" of being alone with the minister.

This comes off the back of the "Women's Minister" (who is female) saying I'm "overstaying" my welcome as well as making things awkward for the ministry staff.

Honestly the only reason I choose life is my faith and to be rejected by my church on top of the failure of the health system for a number of things, why shouldn't I consider suicide?

It's not like my life has much going on. I don't own any pets, I've never had a relationship, I don't have kids, I don't own my own place, I'm unemployed and suicidal.

What hope is there for me?
The world doesn't care about me, the system can't fix me, I'm so tired and exhausted and I just want everything to stop and go away.

Feel free to offer your thoughts and comments.

Also can someone kindly tell me where the search function can be found? I've looked but been unable to find it (at least on mobile)

 

[Darkover]

there is no god just a dead universe

 

[freedomcalls]

I'm so sorry that you've felt rejected by the Church…. It is very hurtful. Many years ago I worked in ministry and it taught me to separate my faith in God from "the Church" which ultimately is a human organisation and as such, full of flaws and failings

Does your Church have a pastoral care team? There should be some system in place you can reach out to and say "I'm desperate and in need of support"
If your Church doesn't have some option for counselling / prayer / ministry then I'd really suggest trying another

Your faith should offer you somewhere to bring your very deepest hurts

I don't have much faith left any more, but I'm offering a prayer for you to find a compassionate person to come into your life and help you find some way forwards

I'm glad you are here

 

[Pluto]

Hey so first time post so I figure a small introduction is helpful.

Welcome! I am from regional Victoria. I relate to much of what you say as I have very similar ailments, and my heart goes out to you.

I grew up in a very Catholic household. It seems that religion can add a bit of structure and morality if used as a background point of reference, but when taken too far it can leave us turning priests and pastors into cosmic authorities, which they are not. It can also lead to forcing unnatural attitudes and ways that are psychologically harmful. It is hard when health services fail us also, as it can leave us feeling totally abandoned as you say.

Some aspects of mental illness need to be accepted as there is no quick fix. The only thing that could make this life worthwhile is if you have your own identity, your own purpose and your own place in the world. One flaw with all the institutions that you have dealt with is that each has their own agenda for how you 'should' be in order to be OK. Nobody will want you to find your own answers except for the small number of people in the world who genuinely care about others with no hidden agenda.

 

[knightxenon]

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