i've always lurked on this site but never felt compelled to make an account until tonight. lately all that's been on my mind is there is no possible way i can ever live up to the expectations imposed on me. not even by myself. i spent the latter bit of 2023 blackout drunk, embarrassing myself for a guy who never even was interested in me, feeling alienated in my friend group, and being a secret disappointment to my family. i was originally someone very driven and hardworking. i got accepted into a university at 15, i was winning awards and competitions, and i had a boyfriend. he wasn't in a good place back then (maybe he's even on here somewhere lol) but at least i had that partnership and connection with someone. i barely had any friends but the ones i did have, i was comfortable with and knew i could keep them around. honestly even then i probably wasn't alright--but at least i hadn't made any major life mistakes or hurt anyone, or disappointed anyone. now i'm 19, supposed to be graduating this year and everyone's asking me but i don't have the heart to tell them i've been failing classes for a year and a half now, racked up debt, got sexually abused and that i've slowly fallen into my addictions. every day feels like a blur, i don't remember most of them besides the times i finally became weak enough to cry.
though i broke up with that boyfriend right before my spiral, he's come back into my life after getting help. he's on mood stabilizers, goes to therapy, has an income. and i have this overwhelming sense of pride and gratitude for him because i never thought i'd see him like this. he's healthy, mindful, and cares about me but i'm still dysfunctional. it feels like we swapped places in the relationship. it gives me some small hope that maybe i could get better too, even if this is just a hiccup in the road. i'm young, i have time. but can i even withstand the painstakingly long process of trying to fix my mistakes? does he deserve to wait that long for someone who probably will fail at this too? the pandemic has made me feel so hopeless, that when i finally have everything right there's a possibility the world won't be the same place that i had been expecting to build my life in. so really i can't rationlize staying alive until the last possible moment. it feels like a waste.
yes people care for me. my parents are not bad people despite their pasts. they provide me with a lot and i am extremely grateful. i know they would be devastated if i were to go. but perhaps they'd be even more devastated seeing the person i've become when i'm unable to hide it any longer. if i were to ctb, i wouldn't ever want them to know. i'd want it to look like an accident, so they can blame god for taking away their daughter rather than me for not being strong enough. but tbh those statements are one in the same, anyway.
the only person keeping my on earth right now is my brother. he's a couple of years older than me but he's like my twin. we've been through everything together and i'd hate my death to be cause of his own spiral. selfishly, i'd hope he'd use it to flourish, so i can say i've done something good for once. my poor dad would be devastated too, we've both worked so hard to heal our relationship despite the divorce, the verbal abuse, and now he's the person i've always wanted him to be. i don't want him to lose all that progress.
i guess at the end of the day i want to leave so badly. but the overwhelming sense of guilt i feel is probably why i can't do it. but i really would like to have access to some form of a method (preferably SN or similar) just to keep in my closet for when i finally just don't care enough anymore. or even just as a safety net, to say "just try to be better, worst comes to worst there's a way out". ironically i think it'd strengthen my will to live a little more. i'd really like to know if anyone relates.
this was a lot longer than i had hoped. if you managed to read even some of it, i really appreciate you for your time and for hearing me ^^.
though i broke up with that boyfriend right before my spiral, he's come back into my life after getting help. he's on mood stabilizers, goes to therapy, has an income. and i have this overwhelming sense of pride and gratitude for him because i never thought i'd see him like this. he's healthy, mindful, and cares about me but i'm still dysfunctional. it feels like we swapped places in the relationship. it gives me some small hope that maybe i could get better too, even if this is just a hiccup in the road. i'm young, i have time. but can i even withstand the painstakingly long process of trying to fix my mistakes? does he deserve to wait that long for someone who probably will fail at this too? the pandemic has made me feel so hopeless, that when i finally have everything right there's a possibility the world won't be the same place that i had been expecting to build my life in. so really i can't rationlize staying alive until the last possible moment. it feels like a waste.
yes people care for me. my parents are not bad people despite their pasts. they provide me with a lot and i am extremely grateful. i know they would be devastated if i were to go. but perhaps they'd be even more devastated seeing the person i've become when i'm unable to hide it any longer. if i were to ctb, i wouldn't ever want them to know. i'd want it to look like an accident, so they can blame god for taking away their daughter rather than me for not being strong enough. but tbh those statements are one in the same, anyway.
the only person keeping my on earth right now is my brother. he's a couple of years older than me but he's like my twin. we've been through everything together and i'd hate my death to be cause of his own spiral. selfishly, i'd hope he'd use it to flourish, so i can say i've done something good for once. my poor dad would be devastated too, we've both worked so hard to heal our relationship despite the divorce, the verbal abuse, and now he's the person i've always wanted him to be. i don't want him to lose all that progress.
i guess at the end of the day i want to leave so badly. but the overwhelming sense of guilt i feel is probably why i can't do it. but i really would like to have access to some form of a method (preferably SN or similar) just to keep in my closet for when i finally just don't care enough anymore. or even just as a safety net, to say "just try to be better, worst comes to worst there's a way out". ironically i think it'd strengthen my will to live a little more. i'd really like to know if anyone relates.
this was a lot longer than i had hoped. if you managed to read even some of it, i really appreciate you for your time and for hearing me ^^.
