Venting first post/indecisiveness

[wisteria3]

Hi guys :) I'm new here.

I realize this is a fairly common problem, but I wanted to vent about it. I've reached a point where the ONLY thing keeping me from ctb is the thought of what it would do to my parents (who are very loving and supportive, and would be devastated). Like I used to have other reasons (hope for the future, fear of the pain of dying, fear of failure, etc) but one by one those reasons have faded away the more I've thought it out and planned.

Because I'm so severely depressed and apathetic, I've stopped trying in work and everything else, basically further ruining my life. I literally can't find the will to do anything anymore since my intent to ctb feels so strong and rational. This would be fine if I knew 100% I would do it, but I really don't know if I could do that to my family. I feel like I need to make a decision because I'm letting my life get even worse while I can't decide. I don't know if anyone has advice on dealing with this or can relate?

 

[LaughingGoat]

I don't have much advice that's helpful, but fully relate to the sole reason still being alive due to not wanting to impact family. The consolation for me is that I have everything prepared so that when they do pass, I can ctb as soon as I relinquish their estate.

 

[Sakura.]

I feel similarly to you.
Is it possible for you to start living with your family (if you don't already) and focus on your family life, pushing away everything that is dragging you down?
Whenever I have the opportunity to cut myself off from everything that depresses me and focus on my family, life becomes a little more acceptable.

 

[wisteria3]

I don't have much advice that's helpful, but fully relate to the sole reason still being alive due to not wanting to impact family. The consolation for me is that I have everything prepared so that when they do pass, I can ctb as soon as I relinquish their estate.

Same, but for me that's likely to be decades...

I feel similarly to you.
Is it possible for you to start living with your family (if you don't already) and focus on your family life, pushing away everything that is dragging you down?
Whenever I have the opportunity to cut myself off from everything that depresses me and focus on my family, life becomes a little more acceptable.

Thanks for the advice, it's something I've considered. But I think I'd still be depressed if I moved home because I'd feel like I had failed at being independent.

 

[neverLoved]

I can relate, it is such a complicated position to be in. Especially the fading away of other reasons and you are just left with that.

Personally I have a loving mother who went through hell for 3 decades of her life and recently started finding peace. I can't imagine what it would do to her if I CTB. Unfortunately too I have been suffering silently for years without ever sharing or showing anything to her. She had her own issues to be noticing anything anyways. But I purposely keep it away from her and from the outside I seem fine.

Sometimes I do get moments where I try to ignore it. Telling myself that I won't be alive to care anyways. Unfortunately I don't think I can get myself to truly believe in it.

Today I did order SN, more to make sure that I have it before it becomes impossible to obtain. But it also gives me peace of mind knowing I always have a decent option available for me.

 

[wisteria3]

I can relate, it is such a complicated position to be in. Especially the fading away of other reasons and you are just left with that.

Personally I have a loving mother who went through hell for 3 decades of her life and recently started finding peace. I can't imagine what it would do to her if I CTB. Unfortunately too I have been suffering silently for years without ever sharing or showing anything to her. She had her own issues to be noticing anything anyways. But I purposely keep it away from her and from the outside I seem fine.

Sometimes I do get moments where I try to ignore it. Telling myself that I won't be alive to care anyways. Unfortunately I don't think I can get myself to truly believe in it.

Today I did order SN, more to make sure that I have it before it becomes impossible to obtain. But it also gives me peace of mind knowing I always have a decent option available for me.

Thanks, I know I'm not the only one but it's nice to hear that others feel similarly. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to hide it entirely from your mother. It's incredibly difficult and exhausting for me to hide the worst from mine (she knows I'm depressed, but not how bad or that I'm suicidal). Sometimes I try to ignore it too or it gets so bad I tell myself I don't care, but deep down I always do. I hope having the SN gives you some peace of mind and helps you feel less trapped, at least.