first post, documenting everything

[comeoutandhauntme]

hey! first ever post on here. came across this site yesterday and realized immediately it was for me. i don't expect anyone to see my posts or really interact with them in any way, but i figured i might as well use this as a way to document my plan and time spent on this website.

i've wanted to ctb for going on 8yrs now, both passively and actively depending on the day honestly. i've always been too scared to acc go thru w anything out of fear of it not working and then having to face my family or become a vegetable. i have nobody irl i feel i can rlly talk to abt this so even just reading posts on this forum has been a big comfort so far.

as of rn i'm thinking of SN, had never even heard of it until coming across this forum yesterday and it seems perfect. the only hurdle would be gathering all of the necessary meds for it but i figure i can make it happen given enough time and money. don't have a specific date in mind yet but ideally aiming for middle-end of may (after my 20th bday). it's at a good time of the year, end of school, and not surrounding any major holidays or life events.

i've always kinda known i wasn't gonna live very long, and the older i got the more it became clear to me i likely wouldn't make it to 21. glad i have this space available to me now to vent, discuss, etc with likeminded people who understand me :)

 

[CatLvr]

Do you mind telling us a little bit about yourself?? Damn, you are awful young to have these feelings but you are not alone here. It always take a little piece of my soul when a kid (no offense, I have grandkids older than you ) says the things you have. I was honestly shocked when I found out SaSu's main group is actually younger -- much younger -- than me.

Anyway, I am sorry you have these feelings. They suck -- it's not like we can get away from ourselves for a day or so, ya know?? But here you have a bunch of people who know exactly how you feel, and won't judge you for it. There is also some resources here that might help you a little. We have people who do get better and then there are some, like me, who fluctuate -- good days, bad days, back to good days. Hopefully we can provide you with some comfort on your bad days. And who knows?? Maybe you will find something here that will help you get better.

Just know that if you do not, and you decide to go ahead and leave, we will also support you. It is not anyone's job to judge what is right or wrong for you -- that is completely up to you. And regardless where you find yourself on this journey, there will be someone here to talk to.

 

[meddle]

where are you from? you dont have to answer, im just curious, since you said that you can buy sn... so i assume you are not from the usa or eu...

and (im really sorry for this dumb question), but have you tried therapy? getting help? you deserve to live and to get help after all. ctb is ultimately your decision, but its just so sad to see such a young person go... i just hope that you have really tried everything to fix your life. and if not - please, give it a try

wish you luck anyway! and sn is a solid method indeed

 

[cb7432]

Wow I am turning 20 tomorrow and feel the same way. With a very similar deadline

 

[comeoutandhauntme]

Wow I am turning 20 tomorrow and feel the same way. With a very similar deadline

it is nice to know ur not alone

Do you mind telling us a little bit about yourself?? Damn, you are awful young to have these feelings but you are not alone here. It always take a little piece of my soul when a kid (no offense, I have grandkids older than you ) says the things you have. I was honestly shocked when I found out SaSu's main group is actually younger -- much younger -- than me.

Anyway, I am sorry you have these feelings. They suck -- it's not like we can get away from ourselves for a day or so, ya know?? But here you have a bunch of people who know exactly how you feel, and won't judge you for it. There is also some resources here that might help you a little. We have people who do get better and then there are some, like me, who fluctuate -- good days, bad days, back to good days. Hopefully we can provide you with some comfort on your bad days. And who knows?? Maybe you will find something here that will help you get better.

Just know that if you do not, and you decide to go ahead and leave, we will also support you. It is not anyone's job to judge what is right or wrong for you -- that is completely up to you. And regardless where you find yourself on this journey, there will be someone here to talk to.

ty for the kind words there is not much to say abt me, i am pretty average and boring lol

where are you from? you dont have to answer, im just curious, since you said that you can buy sn... so i assume you are not from the usa or eu...

i am from the us actually, i believe i've found a source of SN i can order although tbh haven't looked deep deep into it so i may be wrong haha

and (im really sorry for this dumb question), but have you tried therapy? getting help? you deserve to live and to get help after all. ctb is ultimately your decision, but its just so sad to see such a young person go... i just hope that you have really tried everything to fix your life. and if not - please, give it a try

not a dumb question at all! i have not, although i don't rlly have a way to access it as of rn. i am not anti therapy and would be open to it should the opportunity arise. ofc it would be nice if it were to take away urge to ctb, however, quite frankly at this moment in time i do not have the patience to begin therapy and wait for progress. maybe this will change, and i wont go thru w my plan, but we'll see.

ty for the kind words

 

[pax420]

hey! first ever post on here. came across this site yesterday and realized immediately it was for me. i don't expect anyone to see my posts or really interact with them in any way, but i figured i might as well use this as a way to document my plan and time spent on this website.

i've wanted to ctb for going on 8yrs now, both passively and actively depending on the day honestly. i've always been too scared to acc go thru w anything out of fear of it not working and then having to face my family or become a vegetable. i have nobody irl i feel i can rlly talk to abt this so even just reading posts on this forum has been a big comfort so far.

as of rn i'm thinking of SN, had never even heard of it until coming across this forum yesterday and it seems perfect. the only hurdle would be gathering all of the necessary meds for it but i figure i can make it happen given enough time and money. don't have a specific date in mind yet but ideally aiming for middle-end of may (after my 20th bday). it's at a good time of the year, end of school, and not surrounding any major holidays or life events.
these messed up
i've always kinda known i wasn't gonna live very long, and the older i got the more it became clear to me i likely wouldn't make it to 21. glad i have this space available to me now to vent, discuss, etc with likeminded people who understand me

Wow I also hate hearing young people having these messed up feelings too. But I know exactly where you are coming from. I started having them when I was around 12 and I didn't expect to make it to 21 neither. But here I am at 56 I've been dealing with them feelings for 44 years. I've gathered up what I need and pickedr my place and time. I'm waiting for my day. I just found SaSu a couple of weeks ago and this is one of the very few positive things I've ever found in my life. The people here are awesome and you'll not be judged here. Whatever way you choose to go they will help you. I have a horrible time trusting people except here. I have a twisted mind and have gained a lot of insight here. I have made up my mind and weighed out my options, I'm 100% sure and I'm good with it. Please find at least one or two people you can trust and talk to them. Really talk to them. Make sure you are choosing the right thing. If you decide to ctb remember once it's done it's done. No turning back be absolutely sure it's what you want. Check out the recovery part too. You might find what you need there. Anyway I wish the best for you and everyone else here.

 

[DisIsDaPhoenyx]

Hey! I seen this post and I feel like I found my twin. I turning 20 in May as well, and the SN method looks like the best one to me.

I get what you mean about knowing you're not gonna make it far. I feel like when you start becoming suicidal at a young age you just don't really believe in having a long lifespan. Honestly, it seems to be a miracle that I made it this far.

In any case, I wish you the best of luck on this journey and wherever it takes you.

 

[webb&flow]

Wow I also hate hearing young people having these messed up feelings too. But I know exactly where you are coming from. I started having them when I was around 12 and I didn't expect to make it to 21 neither. But here I am at 56 I've been dealing with them feelings for 44 years.

Do you feel you would say those 44 years have been a worthwhile experience for you, personally?

 

[pax420]

Do you feel you would say those 44 years have been a worthwhile experience for you, personally?

Hell yes these last 44 years have been a worthwhile experience for me! When I was 12 I had a lot of mental problems I ended up in psychiatric hospitals for a total of 18 months between 13-16. I gotta thrown out of the house on my 17 birthday and have never looked back. My dad passed away in 2011 my mom decided to wait until he had been dead and buried until she told me. I haven't spoken to her or my sister since then. I don't know if they are alive or not and I really don't care. I went to prison when I was 18 and stayed on there three years. That's when I learned that the world did not owe me a living and I had to get what I wanted on my own. And boy did I. I traveled and seen what I wanted to see and did what I wanted to do. If i was living in Florida and decided wanted to go to California tomorrow I went. I met a whole bunch of people and lived life to the fullest. When I was 39 I decided I wanted to settle down and be with one girl I did. I found 'the love of my life' and we hooked up and moved in together. I sold and did alot of drugs with her and I was able to buy her anything she wanted it was pretty great. She was I guess what people would call a basket case or crazy. But I didn't care I loved her and she loved me and that was all that mattered. She decided one day she want us to get out of the life and settle down and I did. I got off the dope and went to work a legitimate job 12-14 hours a day 6-7 days a week and was still able to get everything she wanted or needed and we were happy. I started having health problems and we kind of figured I would go first and that's how we planned everything. But fate had other ideas and she died two years ago and I'm still here miserable as hell. I'm in bad shape health wise and mentally fried and just tired of being alive anymore. I don't have anything to live for or take care of. But I had 23 years of true love and that made my life worthwhile.

 

[Jello Biafra]

Hell yes these last 44 years have been a worthwhile experience for me! When I was 12 I had a lot of mental problems I ended up in psychiatric hospitals for a total of 18 months between 13-16. I gotta thrown out of the house on my 17 birthday and have never looked back. My dad passed away in 2011 my mom decided to wait until he had been dead and buried until she told me. I haven't spoken to her or my sister since then. I don't know if they are alive or not and I really don't care. I went to prison when I was 18 and stayed on there three years. That's when I learned that the world did not owe me a living and I had to get what I wanted on my own. And boy did I. I traveled and seen what I wanted to see and did what I wanted to do. If i was living in Florida and decided wanted to go to California tomorrow I went. I met a whole bunch of people and lived life to the fullest. When I was 39 I decided I wanted to settle down and be with one girl I did. I found 'the love of my life' and we hooked up and moved in together. I sold and did alot of drugs with her and I was able to buy her anything she wanted it was pretty great. She was I guess what people would call a basket case or crazy. But I didn't care I loved her and she loved me and that was all that mattered. She decided one day she want us to get out of the life and settle down and I did. I got off the dope and went to work a legitimate job 12-14 hours a day 6-7 days a week and was still able to get everything she wanted or needed and we were happy. I started having health problems and we kind of figured I would go first and that's how we planned everything. But fate had other ideas and she died two years ago and I'm still here miserable as hell. I'm in bad shape health wise and mentally fried and just tired of being alive anymore. I don't have anything to live for or take care of. But I had 23 years of true love and that made my life worthwhile.

I feel for you and have lived a similar life. I'm just a few years younger than you but also had a pretty tumultuous life and ended up being incarcerated for a few years in CA. Although it wasn't for violence or anything - I was addicted to both drugs and motorcycles - specifically I spent many years as a "stunter", that is myself and my friends would ride wheelies at insane speeds all night long. If you are from Florida I'm sure you are familiar. After 14 warrants and felony evasion, I had to pay the piper. Needless to say, when the party lights came on we never bothered pulling over. Until I ran out of gas.

Anyways, I too got lucky and found the love of my life. A girl so sweet and selfless that I beat myself up everyday for not being there for her when she needed me the most. My family ostracized us as she was different and didn't speak perfect English. To this day I hate myself for not being there when she needed me. Instead, I was out with my friends getting drunk and high risking my life for miles upon miles of wheelies. I awoke one morning to her hanging by an extension cord.

She eventually granted me a greater gift than I ever could have imagined. I had just been disabled, lost my ability to walk, and most of the use of my hands. She was gone, and having no family I was truly stuck. I couldn't even get down the steps to leave my home, or tie my own shoes. With snot running down my nose and crying like a baby, she gifted me an experience that I will never be able to explain. I'm not a religious person and never have been. But she proved to me, personally, that death is simply waking up from the dream we call physical existence. I don't expect anyone to believe that, but it became my truth. What I learned was that life is closer to a play that we've planned and created. We have simply chosen to forget this so as not to cheapen the experience. It's like being totally engrossed in a really good movie where everything else fades away for a certain period of time.

Death is like finally being able to breathe after holding your breath for a really long time. My only wish now is to join her.

 

[pax420]

Wow that hit home hard! I almost ready to exhale. I'm glad you did have some time with someone like that. My time with mine made the rest of my life worth it. I did what I wanted to do when and how I wanted to do it. everybody thought I was a truly happy person which I was on the outside. But inside there was nothing until she came along. Now she's gone it's empty again and I'm tired and done with playing happy.