First post after years - CTB next week, probably

[IschemicZeitgeist]

I've been lurking this forum for well over three years now, and I just recently made my decision to CTB. So i guess the least i owe this community is a thank you for being an avenue for honest conversations on the topic. The clarity, interesting discussions and anecdotes you provide to many individuals like me, who don't feel comfortable even anonymously posting, is appreciated. Part of me feeling okay posting this is because i know most people here won't judge. Call it a final act of trying to connect with life, i guess. We're all going through our struggles. But we have each other, at the very least.


I'd also like to take the opportunity and ask what do you guys think about my plan? I'm not in a rush, so i'll take the time to iron out any potential hiccups.


I'm initially planning to CTB between the 1st and 3rd of July. I will spend the weekend with some friends and then will probably book an airbnb or cheap hotel close to the beach, spend some time enjoying nature and start the protocol when i've had enough.

The SN method seems like the most accessible for me at the moment, despite it seemingly not being the best in terms of comfort. Especially given i don't have access to benzos, but i hope/think it'll be fine.

Protocol:
I'm aiming for at least 12-16h of fasting and at least 2-4h without drinking.
I'll prepare 3 drinks with 25g of SN dissolved in 50ml of water.

@ 1h before the SN i'll take 1-2g Metamizole/Dipyrone (just because it's the most effective painkiller available for me, especially compared to paracetamol or ibuprofen).
@ 45min before the SN i'll take the recommended 30mg of Metoclopramide and 8mg of Ondansetron.
@ 45min before the SN i'll also dissolve 300mg of propranolol in some water (not drinking it yet).
@ 30min before the SN i'll take 800mg of Cimetidine.
@ 0-5min I'll prepare and drink the SN + the propranolol.

I don't know if the cimetidine, propranolol and ondansetron are totally necessary, it seems like they used to be recommended in older SN protocols, but i bought and added them just in case.

 

[wishmaster9]

Hey zeitgeist, are you still with us?

 

[IschemicZeitgeist]

Yeah, i suspended the plan for a while to attend to my sister's birthday and to see if college break would grant me a bit of respite from these thoughts. Turns out i still plan to ctb, just not on a fixed schedule, i guess.

 

[retstardeda$$hole]

Yeah, i suspended the plan for a while to attend to my sister's birthday and to see if college break would grant me a bit of respite from these thoughts. Turns out i still plan to ctb, just not on a fixed schedule, i guess.

Still planning to?

 

[IschemicZeitgeist]

Still planning to?

yeah, pretty much so. I just been stuck on how i can come to terms with leaving my sick sister and mother behind. Especially considering that my suicide might worsen their conditions.

 

[retstardeda$$hole]

yeah, pretty much so. I just been stuck on how i can come to terms with leaving my sick sister and mother behind. Especially considering that my suicide might worsen their conditions.

Yeah I worry about the same I still worry and feel like I should be the man of the house after my dad died. But eh I am tired and turns out I am trans and its not worth it living in this world while being trans.

 

[IschemicZeitgeist]

Yeah I worry about the same I still worry and feel like I should be the man of the house after my dad died. But eh I am tired and turns out I am trans and its not worth it living in this world while being trans.

I also kinda feel this pressure to "be the man of the house", and i think i even excel at it compared to when my father was around. But i don't quite like the feeling of having to be around just because someone else needs you. It's not like they're my children or i'm particularly responsible for their problems/existence, so i'll do my part when the time comes, i just wouldn't like to leave them worse off for it.

Also, not trying to get too philosophical on ya, but an understanding about who you are shouldn't feel like a sentence. But i know the world can be harsh sometimes, and that's unfortunate. Much love on your journey.