deaddovedonoteat
Member
- Nov 4, 2023
- 11
So, I tried to CTB for the first time 2 days ago.
I had something that triggered me and made me absolute miserable, so for the first time, I did SH with the intent of CTB. (I do SH for a long time but never with that intent.)
I feel weak, incompetent and pathetic because before I could even get there and make the deeper cut, I got desperate, called for help. A family member helped me, made bandages and stuff and it was it.
Now things have been a bit different. People are treating me weirdly.
I thought that if I ever survived a CTB attempt everyone would be super worried and want to do other measures to help me, but no… everything is just as it was.
Im disappointed with me and with everything. I don't know if I plan to try again for now, but if I do, might be another method.
I feel kinda apathetic to be honest. Numb even. Is like that actually didn't happen. I feel like a manipulator, like I did it for attention. I feel like my brain never wanted to complete that and only wanted to pretend it was a CTB attempt.
But I swear. I did that with the intent of CTB. I thought about it, I tried. I wanted. I was afraid but I wanted.
Now things are quite strange and I feel helpless. I needed to vent about this to someone so I think this is the place.
For those that might be curious of what triggered me.
My dad had promised me he would pay for me to go to a show of one of my favorite artists this year, a birthday present. The day before the sales he said he couldn't because he didn't have money.
This situation triggered me because I remembered of all the times I wanted to go to places, wanted to go to shows, places with friends, parks, buy stuff, and I couldn't because we never had money. This triggered me because I realized I will never be able to have the life I want to have, that my destiny is to envy others achievements and accept that I was born to fail. And I fail and fail. And maybe that is a pathetic reason for some. But it just accumulated with so much other problems that also haunt me.
Anyway. I don't know if im glad it didn't work or not. Guess we gonna find out
I had something that triggered me and made me absolute miserable, so for the first time, I did SH with the intent of CTB. (I do SH for a long time but never with that intent.)
I feel weak, incompetent and pathetic because before I could even get there and make the deeper cut, I got desperate, called for help. A family member helped me, made bandages and stuff and it was it.
Now things have been a bit different. People are treating me weirdly.
I thought that if I ever survived a CTB attempt everyone would be super worried and want to do other measures to help me, but no… everything is just as it was.
Im disappointed with me and with everything. I don't know if I plan to try again for now, but if I do, might be another method.
I feel kinda apathetic to be honest. Numb even. Is like that actually didn't happen. I feel like a manipulator, like I did it for attention. I feel like my brain never wanted to complete that and only wanted to pretend it was a CTB attempt.
But I swear. I did that with the intent of CTB. I thought about it, I tried. I wanted. I was afraid but I wanted.
Now things are quite strange and I feel helpless. I needed to vent about this to someone so I think this is the place.
For those that might be curious of what triggered me.
My dad had promised me he would pay for me to go to a show of one of my favorite artists this year, a birthday present. The day before the sales he said he couldn't because he didn't have money.
This situation triggered me because I remembered of all the times I wanted to go to places, wanted to go to shows, places with friends, parks, buy stuff, and I couldn't because we never had money. This triggered me because I realized I will never be able to have the life I want to have, that my destiny is to envy others achievements and accept that I was born to fail. And I fail and fail. And maybe that is a pathetic reason for some. But it just accumulated with so much other problems that also haunt me.
Anyway. I don't know if im glad it didn't work or not. Guess we gonna find out
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