ToastInTheShell
Professional Idiot
- Mar 17, 2024
- 38
I have some super important exams, which I've been basically preparing for my entire school career and I've barely picked up a textbook. They're in less than 2 weeks and I need basically straight As for my uni of choice. I'm so fucked.
I care, but at the same time I really don't. I'll be unhappy regardless of the outcome, why not just take the easy way out, and do fuck all. Why do all that work if it won't change anything, and I'll just CTB in a different location? Why climb a mountain if a fucking water slide leads to the same place??
But then at the same time I still feel the stress of exams and universities and my parents and friends and grades WITHOUT the motivation to pick up a damned book or past paper. My whole life I used to be consumed by grades and getting As, it's like I'm still programmed to feel the fear of failure, but I've lost the will to DO ANYTHING about it.
Life just feels so empty and pointless, like there's no actual reason for me being alive. I'm just sad all the time. It feels like all I do all day every day is fend off the urges to cut and CTB, and then sleep. It's like I'm just waiting to die. I don't want to eat. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sleep and keep sleeping until everyone forgets about me.
Those urges have been so so bad recently, too. I have been eyeing up my razor constantly for a solid week. The last time I did cut it left a bad scar but I still want more. I've been imagining and fantasizing about cutting constantly since my last relapse. Might move from wrists to thighs so I can do it more often without getting comments or lectures.
God, if I poured half of the enthusiasm I have for cutting into my fucking exams I don't think I'd be bitching rn haha.
I care, but at the same time I really don't. I'll be unhappy regardless of the outcome, why not just take the easy way out, and do fuck all. Why do all that work if it won't change anything, and I'll just CTB in a different location? Why climb a mountain if a fucking water slide leads to the same place??
But then at the same time I still feel the stress of exams and universities and my parents and friends and grades WITHOUT the motivation to pick up a damned book or past paper. My whole life I used to be consumed by grades and getting As, it's like I'm still programmed to feel the fear of failure, but I've lost the will to DO ANYTHING about it.
Life just feels so empty and pointless, like there's no actual reason for me being alive. I'm just sad all the time. It feels like all I do all day every day is fend off the urges to cut and CTB, and then sleep. It's like I'm just waiting to die. I don't want to eat. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sleep and keep sleeping until everyone forgets about me.
Those urges have been so so bad recently, too. I have been eyeing up my razor constantly for a solid week. The last time I did cut it left a bad scar but I still want more. I've been imagining and fantasizing about cutting constantly since my last relapse. Might move from wrists to thighs so I can do it more often without getting comments or lectures.
God, if I poured half of the enthusiasm I have for cutting into my fucking exams I don't think I'd be bitching rn haha.
