joegoes100
All Over The Place
- Jan 18, 2026
- 26
This is purely vent so I'd recommend ignoring it but I just need to get this out there because I have no one else to talk to about I.
I was finally able to clear things up with the most complicated relationship I've ever had.
2024 October we started talking and had a weird talking/dating relationship until march where I ended things because I was having some personal issues and needed to focus on my self (look where that got me LOL). She was obviously hurt by it but respected by decision, while making it clear she still had feelings. Fast forward to September/October of last year and I started to get my feelings back so I figured I'd try to talk with her. She had two short situationships with other guys in the gap, but she wasn't that interested in me anymore. We would have frequent communication on and off until this month where a couple mutual friend told me she wanted to talk. Monday of last week (MLK jr day) she was trying to get me to open up abt my feelings because she was concerned about my mental health, but I stayed closed because I planned to kill my self that night. Before I did I sent her a message saying that there was nothing she could do in order to stop me, even if she got me to open up I wouldve still killed my self. I realized how burdening this would be to her so during my attempt I stopped my self and hurried to delete the message, but she saw a bit of it I think. After I deleted it she told me she was worried and asked if I was okay, and I told her what happened. I feel extremely bad for telling her what happened and wish I never did, but I guess the lack of oxygen in my brain made it so I didn't think twice. I feel like the burden is now worse. But we agreed to not talk about it and I asked her to not treat me differently and to forget it happened.
Since that we kept talking until she randomly got dry yesterday, so I realized she probably didn't want to communicate with me anymore. But today I decided to ask her whether she still wanted to talk to me, even though I figured she didn't. I realized that it would be a lot harder for me to kill my self if i didn't know for sure (forgot to mention that im committing on the 14th). She said she was worried about mine and her mental health and figured we'd end up hurting each other if we even tried, and she was scared. She said she wants me to know I can always talk to her about my mental health. Basically she was trying to sugarcoat that she has no feelings for me but she still wants me to be okay. While this sounds like it would hurt me, it did the complete opposite! I feel completely better now, I sorta feel at peace because that was one of my biggest worries about me going.
This also helps with my plan on completely isolating my self from everyone to make it easier on my self and other people when I actually commit suicide.
I know no one will probably pay attention to this but I sorta wanna document my last 16 days. I kin it's random but I thought of it today/yesterday (it's 12:10) and it's may educate other people about the day leading up to one's suicide.
TLDR: I was having trouble moving on from someone I ended things with nearly a year later and I'm finally able to move on and commit suicide at peace.
I was finally able to clear things up with the most complicated relationship I've ever had.
2024 October we started talking and had a weird talking/dating relationship until march where I ended things because I was having some personal issues and needed to focus on my self (look where that got me LOL). She was obviously hurt by it but respected by decision, while making it clear she still had feelings. Fast forward to September/October of last year and I started to get my feelings back so I figured I'd try to talk with her. She had two short situationships with other guys in the gap, but she wasn't that interested in me anymore. We would have frequent communication on and off until this month where a couple mutual friend told me she wanted to talk. Monday of last week (MLK jr day) she was trying to get me to open up abt my feelings because she was concerned about my mental health, but I stayed closed because I planned to kill my self that night. Before I did I sent her a message saying that there was nothing she could do in order to stop me, even if she got me to open up I wouldve still killed my self. I realized how burdening this would be to her so during my attempt I stopped my self and hurried to delete the message, but she saw a bit of it I think. After I deleted it she told me she was worried and asked if I was okay, and I told her what happened. I feel extremely bad for telling her what happened and wish I never did, but I guess the lack of oxygen in my brain made it so I didn't think twice. I feel like the burden is now worse. But we agreed to not talk about it and I asked her to not treat me differently and to forget it happened.
Since that we kept talking until she randomly got dry yesterday, so I realized she probably didn't want to communicate with me anymore. But today I decided to ask her whether she still wanted to talk to me, even though I figured she didn't. I realized that it would be a lot harder for me to kill my self if i didn't know for sure (forgot to mention that im committing on the 14th). She said she was worried about mine and her mental health and figured we'd end up hurting each other if we even tried, and she was scared. She said she wants me to know I can always talk to her about my mental health. Basically she was trying to sugarcoat that she has no feelings for me but she still wants me to be okay. While this sounds like it would hurt me, it did the complete opposite! I feel completely better now, I sorta feel at peace because that was one of my biggest worries about me going.
This also helps with my plan on completely isolating my self from everyone to make it easier on my self and other people when I actually commit suicide.
I know no one will probably pay attention to this but I sorta wanna document my last 16 days. I kin it's random but I thought of it today/yesterday (it's 12:10) and it's may educate other people about the day leading up to one's suicide.
TLDR: I was having trouble moving on from someone I ended things with nearly a year later and I'm finally able to move on and commit suicide at peace.
