Final Thoughts and Goodbye - SN

[Sea Turtle]

I suppose this is a bit cliché but I'd like to open this by giving a heartfelt thank you to everyone on this site. From mods and admins for keeping this site up and running, to the countless members who make this community the place it is. Thank you, dearly

Without the people here, I would have never found such a safe place to be myself, and to truly be open with my thoughts and feelings and begin to process past experiences and traumas. Although this may be a door to recovery for some, I have reached the conclusion for myself that enough is enough, and decided to CTB.

Some of you may have seen my post recently regarding seeking an observer, and I regret that it will be unable to come to fruition as there has not been anywhere near sufficient time to iron out the details. Regardless, I ask for forgiveness and will try my best to document my plan, though I will not be providing many updates after the consumption of SN with hopes that I will prevent anyone from discovering this site should I pass out before I am able to close it.

I'm not going to go much into my reasoning, though they are scattered throughout my posts. I would just like to say that everyone here is valid in their feelings, experiences, and decisions, and I sincerely the best to all, and that you find peace in whichever path you take, be it CTB, recovery, or somewhere in between.

---

Tooooo the fun part!

My experience ordering SN from IC: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/my-sn-from-ic-has-arrived.85944/
Blood test of SN: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/my-sn-from-ic-has-arrived.85944/post-1537955

I plan on consuming the SN in approximately 12 hours, give or take depending on when my family will be leaving the house. I expect they will be gone at least 3-3.5 hours after consumption, though I could wait late tonight/early morning tomorrow for a full 6+ hours. However, I will be able to be in the comfort of my own bed only if I take it this afternoon, which is why I am leaning towards the former.

I have eaten my last meal (Amazing Poke bowl and a slice of cheesecake at ~12am, approx 4 hours prior to this post) and will fast in preparation.

I have prepared three cups of SN, the main one containing 20g of SN, and the two backups containing 10g each. I had planned to put 15g into each backup cup, however it seems the package only contained 40g, not the advertised 50g. I am considering condensing the two backup cups into one with 20g. I weigh approximately 120lbs, or 54 kg.

Spoiler: SN Cups Image

I have a measuring "cup" reading 60mL, and will mix in the required water closer to when I will consume it.

I do not have an antiemetic (AE), but I do acknowledge that the risk for failure will be greater without it. Unfortunately the current conflict in Ukraine cut off my source of meto.

T - 1 hour : I will take the recommended dose of Advil
T - 30 minutes : I will take double the recommended dose of Tums (antiacid), and mix the water into all three cups
T (around 3pm?) : I will consume the cup with 20g SN and 50mL water, only resorting to a backup cup should I vomit. I have a wonderful Lindt dark chocolate ball to help with the aftertaste.

---

Open to any comments, questions, concerns, or anything!

Thanks again for being here for me, and for each other. Wish you love and peace forever,
-ST

 

[symphony]

Good luck and safe travels. Wishing you all the best.

 

[LostAllHope88]

I don't know you as I haven't been here all that long but I would just like to offer support and a listening ear if needed! I'm also planning for the SN route by the end of the month and I'm getting a bit more scared than I was before. It's all setting in now that this is it—these are the final moments. That's why I'm up posting at 4 a.m. But hey, I guess we all go eventually. No one is exempt! I'm grateful I'll be able to pass in my own bed as well

 

[Sea Turtle]

I don't know you as I haven't been here all that long but I would just like to offer support and a listening ear if needed! I'm also planning for the SN route by the end of the month and I'm getting a bit more scared than I was before. It's all setting in now that this is it—these are the final moments. That's why I'm up posting at 4 a.m. But hey, I guess we all go eventually. No one is exempt! I'm grateful I'll be able to pass in my own bed as well

Hey, thank you so much for the offer and I am okay but will let you know if anything changes. It is a weird feeling for sure… but I'm (oddly?) at peace with it now. I've never set a date or time before, so I'm definitely in a weird place as well. I've always hoped for only one attempt, and for success. I hope it will go to plan. I wish you the best as well, and hope you find peace

 

[SpaceCadet]

Your presence here will definitely be missed, in your posts i see your heartwarming nature, if you decide that's the way that you will be taking i hope you see the greatness that you are, don't for a moment think that you are less than that. And please, might you decide to wait and see if things change don't feel ashamed of it, you are one of us and we will support you anyway. We are here for you, we won't let you down.

 

[Sea Turtle]

Your presence here will definitely be missed, in your posts i see your heartwarming nature, if you decide that's the way that you will be taking i hope you see the greatness that you are, don't for a moment think that you are less than that. And please, might you decide to wait and see if things change don't feel ashamed of it, you are one of us and we will support you anyway. We are here for you, we won't let you down.

Thank you for the kind words and I will ensure I'm certain of my decision

 

[TheWood]

I wish you the best, whatever final decision you make. May you find the peace you seek Sea Turtle

 

[DisillusionedDragon]

Though I have never directly interacted with you I've seen you around, Turtle. I'm sorry you also had to suffer through trauma while growing up, it is horrible. I understand that you are seeking peace and I hope you can find the true peace you are looking for, in whatever way that may be.

 

[Circles]

I don't have the words nor did I know you, but just know I understand. Just remember it's okay to back out any time if you're not ready. Whatever you decide it's your choice and I respect that. In any case I wish you peace and hope the pain washes away. Much love to you okay.

 

[Sea Turtle]

I wish you the best, whatever final decision you make. May you find the peace you seek Sea Turtle

Though I have never directly interacted with you I've seen you around, Turtle. I'm sorry you also had to suffer through trauma while growing up, it is horrible. I understand that you are seeking peace and I hope you can find the true peace you are looking for, in whatever way that may be.

I don't have the words nor did I know you, but just know I understand. Just remember it's okay to back out any time if you're not ready. Whatever you decide it's your choice and I respect that. In any case I wish you peace and hope the pain washes away. Much love to you okay.

Thank you all for the kind words and I wish you all the absolute best and peace as well. Thank you for being here even if we have not spoken directly.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

From what we interacted I could tell how genuine and good people you are. You will be missed. I hope you find peace. And I'm sorry that things have come to this point.

 

[Sea Turtle]

From what we interacted I could tell how genuine and good people you are. You will be missed. I hope you find peace. And I'm sorry that things have come to this point.

Thank you and I hope you find peace as well

 

[TheWood]

And I add, thanks for the advice you have given, very useful and precise. A question seeing your photo with the glasses, do you by chance know how much sn can be exposed to oxygen before becoming nitrate?

 

[Sea Turtle]

And I add, thanks for the advice you have given, very useful and precise. A question seeing your photo with the glasses, do you by chance know how much sn can be exposed to oxygen before becoming nitrate?

I am unsure of the exact numbers, but to my understanding it is converting to nitrate in minor amounts already, as it's been exposed to fresh air (w/ oxygen) and is not in a sealed environment. I have since covered it in plastic wrap and a rubber band, though I doubt it'll affect it much as the time span is short.
I suppose I can compare it to rust; iron slowly oxidizes over time and small amounts turn into rust. In this case, it's likely that small amounts are oxidizing into nitrate but it should not be anywhere near significant enough for the given time period.

The expiration date given on my SN pouch is 2025, which would give it an approx. life of three years. I'm assuming this is in optimal storage conditions (dry, dark, temp controlled) with a proper seal. I'm unsure of what standards the remaining SN would be to after this time period.

 

[CrossroadsCurious]

Peace be your journey!

 

[TheWood]

I am unsure of the exact numbers, but to my understanding it is converting to nitrate in minor amounts already, as it's been exposed to fresh air (w/ oxygen) and is not in a sealed environment. I have since covered it in plastic wrap and a rubber band, though I doubt it'll affect it much as the time span is short.
I suppose I can compare it to rust; iron slowly oxidizes over time and small amounts turn into rust. In this case, it's likely that small amounts are oxidizing into nitrate but it should not be anywhere near significant enough for the given time period.

The expiration date given on my SN pouch is 2025, which would give it an approx. life of three years. I'm assuming this is in optimal storage conditions (dry, dark, temp controlled) with a proper seal. I'm unsure of what standards the remaining SN would be to after this time period.

Thanks for the answer as always

 

[y0dha]

May peace be with you

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

If you need anything and feel better you can pm me

 

[Sea Turtle]

If you need anything and feel better you can pm me

Thank you for the offer I am good at the moment but I'll reach out if anything changes

 

[unraveling]

i just did a quick google search for "over the counter antiemetic" and it appears there are some in case you want to run out and grab some. No idea how good they are tho. You know your own situation and abilities better than anyone else so i'll just leave that there and wish you a speedy and pleasant journey, and if for any reason you change your mind then that's all good too. I wish no one ever felt the need to end things but life is not always what we need it to be. Peace

 

[Sea Turtle]

i just did a quick google search for "over the counter antiemetic" and it appears there are some in case you want to run out and grab some. No idea how good they are tho. You know your own situation and abilities better than anyone else so i'll just leave that there and wish you a speedy and pleasant journey, and if for any reason you change your mind then that's all good too. I wish no one ever felt the need to end things but life is not always what we need it to be. Peace

I believe that OTC ones including ones for motion sickness don't work (according to Stan's guide). I also do not have access to a vehicle at the moment. Thanks for the suggestion though! Much love and peace

 

[hopelessgirl]

Love and peace to you

And I add, thanks for the advice you have given, very useful and precise.

Agreed! Thank you so much for this informal post <3

 

[unraveling]

I believe that OTC ones including ones for motion sickness don't work (according to Stan's guide). I also do not have access to a vehicle at the moment. Thanks for the suggestion though! Much love and peace

yea kinda figured you knew best, hope everything goes the way you need

 

[oono]

May your journey be as peaceful as possible

 

[Chiisai]

Rest well and may you have found your peace and freedom.

 

[_Minsk]

I hope everything goes well, i will miss your posts:/

 

[Sea Turtle]

Update:

Firstly, thank you all for the kind words, I do deeply appreciate them all


This all is a weird feeling honestly, I've never attempted or set a formal date or time before. I always told myself, one attempt, one is all it takes. Carefully planned and executed. So this is the first time I'm feeling… this way?

I've taken much time to truly logically think about life and it's overall lack of meaning, but it's somewhat "hitting differently" now. It's all so, real, you know? But it's not like regret or second guessing, it's bizarre, really. I know I can change my mind if I want to but I'm still at peace with my decision. I don't think I can accurately or fully put this feeling into words.

I'm getting a bit hungry for some reason, but I'll stave it off with water until 2 hours before. Spending some time trying to find some last laughs in life. Still deliberating on if I need to write a note or not. I've never been one to write much about my feelings (contrary to my looonng deep posts on this site haha ).

Still a few hours to go. Wish you all the best

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Update:

Firstly, thank you all for the kind words, I do deeply appreciate them all


This all is a weird feeling honestly, I've never attempted or set a formal date or time before. I always told myself, one attempt, one is all it takes. Carefully planned and executed. So this is the first time I'm feeling… this way?

I've taken much time to truly logically think about life and it's overall lack of meaning, but it's somewhat "hitting differently" now. It's all so, real, you know? But it's not like regret or second guessing, it's bizarre, really. I know I can change my mind if I want to but I'm still at peace with my decision. I don't think I can accurately or fully put this feeling into words.

I'm getting a bit hungry for some reason, but I'll stave it off with water until 2 hours before. Spending some time trying to find some last laughs in life. Still deliberating on if I need to write a note or not. I've never been one to write much about my feelings (contrary to my looonng deep posts on this site haha ).

Still a few hours to go. Wish you all the best

I can only imagine.

I think the need to write a note is very personal and depends a lot on the person. Also if it helps you don't exactly have to write down what you're feeling or justify your decision if you don't want to, you can simply leave a word of affection for anyone you feel you should. At least I think that is what I would do.

Keep us posted :)

 

[Sea Turtle]

I can only imagine.

I think the need to write a note is very personal and depends a lot on the person. Also if it helps you don't exactly have to write down what you're feeling or justify your decision if you don't want to, you can simply leave a word of affection for anyone you feel you should. At least I think that is what I would do.

Keep us posted :)

For sure, I've "written" a bunch but never really up to standards. I've never settled exactly what I want on a note.

Not many people I would need to write to honestly.. but it's a tough situation with my BF because he knows my plans but it's truly a "til death do us part" thing. We still love each other dearly but our priorities in life have just shifted so much. I don't know how I'm meant to put anything to him in words. Sorry I'm just ranting now I know no one can really help me with something so deeply personal

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I hope you find peace.