Final month dairy!

[Scythe]

Hey guys, I'm not sure if you know me, but that don't matter too much. All it matters is that I've been around for a while as you can tell by my join date and this is my last month.

Summary of the suituation, I am to die before the new school semester. I am not going through another semester of school. It will break me, I cannot graduate with both my physical body alive and my mental self alive. So I'm not, I'm leaving, I don't want to discuss this with family because I just cannot take the risk and they won't let me freeload forever. I want to freeload forever, I don't want to work either, just shitty. That means, I've got a month left and I'm gonna enjoy the fuck out of it!

Honestly this countdown has done some good stuff for me motivation wise. If I want to do something I have a month left. I've been having a lot of fun, went to the arcade a bunch, played a bunch of games I didn't have the motivation to play. Been buying stuff and generally using more money cause I'm gonna fucking die. It's been a blast.

Though, do I still want to live? Yes. Do I accept this ending? Also yes, I got more than most of you, and that should be enough.

 

[pond]

I got more than most of you

SaSu members catching stays 🫩

 

[Scythe]

It's weird, I feel like my old self, motivated and actually able to do things, before depression crushed my mind. I'm surprised I'm able to return to this state.
It's fitting, death had always been the reason I was able to stay functional and pursue hobbies. "If I don't do it now, I'll be dead." Just too bad I couldn't have returned to this state sooner.

 

[Scythe]

Been wanting to add more entries but haven't got around to it cause I used my spoons for other stuff. So here's a bunch of updates

I cut my hair for the last time in July. I hope I don't have to cut it again. I don't want to die with a shitty freshly cut haircut. That'd be so embrassing.

I said goodbye to my children (cats), they're the only thing left I can trust. My school is in a completely different area and I cannot visit them. They're strays but a lot of people are feeding them and they are in a safe neighborhood. They'll be fine and I hope they'll move on soon. I hope I can see my children who has left for the other side soon, and I hope death will be kind to me.

Even in my final days, I am reminded that everything always goes wrong for me. For every 1 thing that goes right 3 or more things go wrong. I am meant to face a life of failure and bitterness. Why bother to keep going

 

[Scythe]

The reason I am represented as a young dragon in my mind palace is because I am frozen in time. I will never mentally mature past 16-18. This is my oath to myself. I must stay young lest I fall to the corruption within society. Joining the wage slaves in believing living a life of labour is a life of happiness and fulfillment.
Also because it reflects how and why I am a failure. I am a child, I cannot compete with my peers who are adults. A teenager is unlikely to beat someone in their 20s at their craft. They're too young, and it's not their fault. But I'm an adult by all human definitions, and I have to be compared to humans in their 20s because that's what I am to humans. At least, this is the excuse I give myself, I'm stuck like this, young and in-expereienced, never growing, never improving. Never good enough.