Fickle suicidal mood

[SuicidalFailure]

Is it like this for you, too? One day, I can be firmly resolved to die, spending the entire day consumed by suicidal thoughts and anxiety, meticulously planning it all out, yet on other days, I simply afraid and don't want to do it, even though I'm still in pain and still hate myself and this world just as much. And this happens constantly. I just exist aimlessly, drifting along with the current. I'm certain that, in one of these moments, I'll finally snap and finish what I started. I swear, I just don't understand what keeps holding me here in this world.