feeling xtra suicidal

[tiredcat]

i hate that the materials needed for a painless suicide are so out of reach.

i want to feel as the air in my lungs stop moving my stomach up and down. i want to know how it feels for my mind to finally be quiet. for all these thoughts to finally go away. i don't want to worry about who i might hurt or the things i "have" to do because i was burdened with the task of being alive.

i want to be in peace. why didnt the world let me leave the 3 other times i tried to escape? why am i being punished with having to wake up everyday knowing i contribute absolutely nothing to society and the people close to me? my existence is futile.

why can't i enjoy life the way other people do?

i wish i could.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so cruel how we cannot just easily and peacefully leave this existence, it's really understandable just wanting to be at peace where all is forgotten about, it's dreadful how there is so much suffering in existing.