When I was younger, I always had this sense that if I just tried hard enough, I could figure out a solution to any of my problems, and I think part of getting older is losing that arrogant sense of invincibility. Right now, I am dealing with bullying at work (partly to do with the sorts of people who work here and partly to do with me being on the spectrum). The situation is bad enough that the job is making me physically sick and has changed my demeanour so I'm more irritable, upset, snappish and generally less pleasant to be around than before. I know this job is not good for me. The bullying involves both coworkers and management, so I know better than to report it, especially given what I've seen happen to other people who attempt to speak up.
So clearly this means that I should find another job, right? Too bad there simply aren't any jobs that I'm qualified for. I have not discriminated based on the region or pay yet this problem persists. Even if there were, there is no guarantee I'd get the position. Even if I did find one, it is likely I'd still deal with bullying or otherwise difficult situations from coworkers. I am so tired of politics and hierarchical nonsense that I would love a job where I never had to talk to anyone ever again.
I live in a country where welfare exists. But even if I impulsively quit my job and decided to live on virtually nothing, I'd be left with no way to pay the mortgage and then I'd become homeless. So I feel like I'm trapped in this situation that is ruining my physical and mental health.
Can I speak to anyone about it? Well, the management are actively involved in bullying me, so there's no chance I'm going to tell them. A lot of the HR people are also chummy with them. I don't have anyone in my life who'd be sympathetic to me. I can't even vent about this feeling of 'having no escape' to regular people without activating their 'anti suicide' mode where they need to make sure I'm not about to throw myself off a cliff. So even when I want to vent my emotions, I have to walk on eggshells. I am not allowed to express myself properly without being punished for it. Which is one of the worst parts because it means I have to bottle everything up until I can't hold it in anymore and then I explode.
I can't go on like this. It is messed up that being suicidal and fantasising about hanging myself is the only 'pressure valve' I have because my other options will make my situation worse. I can't stand feeling like I don't have any other choice.
So clearly this means that I should find another job, right? Too bad there simply aren't any jobs that I'm qualified for. I have not discriminated based on the region or pay yet this problem persists. Even if there were, there is no guarantee I'd get the position. Even if I did find one, it is likely I'd still deal with bullying or otherwise difficult situations from coworkers. I am so tired of politics and hierarchical nonsense that I would love a job where I never had to talk to anyone ever again.
I live in a country where welfare exists. But even if I impulsively quit my job and decided to live on virtually nothing, I'd be left with no way to pay the mortgage and then I'd become homeless. So I feel like I'm trapped in this situation that is ruining my physical and mental health.
Can I speak to anyone about it? Well, the management are actively involved in bullying me, so there's no chance I'm going to tell them. A lot of the HR people are also chummy with them. I don't have anyone in my life who'd be sympathetic to me. I can't even vent about this feeling of 'having no escape' to regular people without activating their 'anti suicide' mode where they need to make sure I'm not about to throw myself off a cliff. So even when I want to vent my emotions, I have to walk on eggshells. I am not allowed to express myself properly without being punished for it. Which is one of the worst parts because it means I have to bottle everything up until I can't hold it in anymore and then I explode.
I can't go on like this. It is messed up that being suicidal and fantasising about hanging myself is the only 'pressure valve' I have because my other options will make my situation worse. I can't stand feeling like I don't have any other choice.
