Katatonia
Member
- Oct 2, 2025
- 18
I think i might seriously be doomed. I genuinely think i have no chance at having a normal life.
Ive been working at my job for about 6 months, and my god is it agonizing. Its the most miserable thing ever. Its its not even the fault of my coworkers its my own fault. I constantly feel like im doing everything wrong even if im doing everything right. Even if i do no wrong it constantly feels like my coworkers are giving me weird looks every time i do something even if they thank me for helping them out. I constantly dread coming into work, its making me so stressed. And my boss keeps calling me in on my off days, its like i cant relax. And i know i have no obligation to stay working here but its like this terrible crushing weight every time i even think about quitting.
Along with my job ive been eating more, im not sure if its from stress, getting more movement, or being awake more hours, or a combination of all. But of course ive gained weight. Weight has always been a tough topic for me. Im on the lower end of the scale yet i feel absolutely disgusted every time i look in the mirror. Im already terribly ugly in the face, so my body was my only source of slight confidence, but not anymore. My brother seems to be able to eat so much yet he stays underweight, its unfair.
Not to mention im so lonely. Ive tried making friends with my coworkers, they ignore me or just make small talk, it never goes past that. I dont go out in public and i live in a small town so theres no other social events to attend. I have one irl friend, and they just use me as a punching bag. Every second around them is a hurl of insults, remarks and physical attacks. I cant stop talking to them cause my parents think theyre an angel and disregard my feelings, saying "its just friends playing around calm down". Ive been blamed for losing my temper because they kept hitting me, no joke.
Trying to make online friends is useless. Ive tried every platform, all kinds of accounts, personalities, and none work. All conversations lead to a dead end. I have two online friends. One of them replies maybe once a week and as great as they are when youre lonely it kind of sucks to wait a whole week for a reply like a dog waiting at the door.
The other friendship is kind of unhealthy. We have never fought, but between our regular chats theres always this weird tension and passive aggressiveness. They constantly post about their other online friends, compare me to them, and engage with them much more than me, also talking about them constantly in an unrelated conversation. I dont know what theyre trying to achieve. I always end up getting really jealous and feeling bad cause i cant make friends and pull away from them. Then they vauge post about me, god its sounds so petty and silly but i literally have no one else. Ill even see them talk about how they 'have no friends and how no one likes them' and i cant help but roll my eyes. I have no idea what to do, cause when i try to talk to them they just brush it off. But if i stop talking to them ill be completely lonely and ill probably end up killing myself. Unless i can get one other person to talk to im just kind of stuck with them. Ive always been a social person, which sucks since im so ugly combined with paralyzing social anxiety. Im practically a person repeller.
Back to jobs, ive been pressured to go to college. However every single job i want just isnt possible. No colleges are close enough (i cant move out, my state is so expensive i would die within a week), courses are too expensive, or im not smart enough. my family is poor and i have nothing to lean back on, so if i choose something i have to stick with it. There is absolutely no room for changing courses with how expensive it is, and it just puts too much pressure on me. I cant decide but i need to go soon.
Also i currently live in a trailer with my family, as house prices are too expensive. It would be impossible to afford the monthly payment without sacrificing electricity, food, transportation or another necessity. Living in here is miserable, constant bug infestations that cannot be fixed. Constant mold problems that also cannot be fixed. No privacy despite being a young adult (dad always wants to check my phone and listens in on my conversations). And general lack of space. But it makes me feel even more doomed. "If my parents cant even afford a house how will i ever afford one?"
So basically my job sucks and makes me miserable however i cant get a new job bc a job that would be better requires college. College is also impossible, unless i get a miserable job. But ive realized that if i have to live with a miserable job i might as well kill myself. I cant make friends online or irl, and ill likely never get a girlfriend with how ugly and awful i look which is only fixable with thousand dollar surgeries (i have considered taking a loan and being in some debt for the price of happiness for once in my life but idk how easy loans are to get for that). And im going to live in a trailer for the rest of my life. What an exciting life. I just want to die, i feel like theres no point in trying because i already know the outcome. No matter how hard i try ill never be able to reach a comfortable life. I suppose i keep going until i save enough money for my own personal gun then i can make my decision then. Thats not even mentioning the current state of the world and my Other mental illnesses that make living hell.
If you have read this far i hope you are doing better than me, and if youre doing just as bad or worse i want to say im sorry that life dealt you such a bad hand.
Ive been working at my job for about 6 months, and my god is it agonizing. Its the most miserable thing ever. Its its not even the fault of my coworkers its my own fault. I constantly feel like im doing everything wrong even if im doing everything right. Even if i do no wrong it constantly feels like my coworkers are giving me weird looks every time i do something even if they thank me for helping them out. I constantly dread coming into work, its making me so stressed. And my boss keeps calling me in on my off days, its like i cant relax. And i know i have no obligation to stay working here but its like this terrible crushing weight every time i even think about quitting.
Along with my job ive been eating more, im not sure if its from stress, getting more movement, or being awake more hours, or a combination of all. But of course ive gained weight. Weight has always been a tough topic for me. Im on the lower end of the scale yet i feel absolutely disgusted every time i look in the mirror. Im already terribly ugly in the face, so my body was my only source of slight confidence, but not anymore. My brother seems to be able to eat so much yet he stays underweight, its unfair.
Not to mention im so lonely. Ive tried making friends with my coworkers, they ignore me or just make small talk, it never goes past that. I dont go out in public and i live in a small town so theres no other social events to attend. I have one irl friend, and they just use me as a punching bag. Every second around them is a hurl of insults, remarks and physical attacks. I cant stop talking to them cause my parents think theyre an angel and disregard my feelings, saying "its just friends playing around calm down". Ive been blamed for losing my temper because they kept hitting me, no joke.
Trying to make online friends is useless. Ive tried every platform, all kinds of accounts, personalities, and none work. All conversations lead to a dead end. I have two online friends. One of them replies maybe once a week and as great as they are when youre lonely it kind of sucks to wait a whole week for a reply like a dog waiting at the door.
The other friendship is kind of unhealthy. We have never fought, but between our regular chats theres always this weird tension and passive aggressiveness. They constantly post about their other online friends, compare me to them, and engage with them much more than me, also talking about them constantly in an unrelated conversation. I dont know what theyre trying to achieve. I always end up getting really jealous and feeling bad cause i cant make friends and pull away from them. Then they vauge post about me, god its sounds so petty and silly but i literally have no one else. Ill even see them talk about how they 'have no friends and how no one likes them' and i cant help but roll my eyes. I have no idea what to do, cause when i try to talk to them they just brush it off. But if i stop talking to them ill be completely lonely and ill probably end up killing myself. Unless i can get one other person to talk to im just kind of stuck with them. Ive always been a social person, which sucks since im so ugly combined with paralyzing social anxiety. Im practically a person repeller.
Back to jobs, ive been pressured to go to college. However every single job i want just isnt possible. No colleges are close enough (i cant move out, my state is so expensive i would die within a week), courses are too expensive, or im not smart enough. my family is poor and i have nothing to lean back on, so if i choose something i have to stick with it. There is absolutely no room for changing courses with how expensive it is, and it just puts too much pressure on me. I cant decide but i need to go soon.
Also i currently live in a trailer with my family, as house prices are too expensive. It would be impossible to afford the monthly payment without sacrificing electricity, food, transportation or another necessity. Living in here is miserable, constant bug infestations that cannot be fixed. Constant mold problems that also cannot be fixed. No privacy despite being a young adult (dad always wants to check my phone and listens in on my conversations). And general lack of space. But it makes me feel even more doomed. "If my parents cant even afford a house how will i ever afford one?"
So basically my job sucks and makes me miserable however i cant get a new job bc a job that would be better requires college. College is also impossible, unless i get a miserable job. But ive realized that if i have to live with a miserable job i might as well kill myself. I cant make friends online or irl, and ill likely never get a girlfriend with how ugly and awful i look which is only fixable with thousand dollar surgeries (i have considered taking a loan and being in some debt for the price of happiness for once in my life but idk how easy loans are to get for that). And im going to live in a trailer for the rest of my life. What an exciting life. I just want to die, i feel like theres no point in trying because i already know the outcome. No matter how hard i try ill never be able to reach a comfortable life. I suppose i keep going until i save enough money for my own personal gun then i can make my decision then. Thats not even mentioning the current state of the world and my Other mental illnesses that make living hell.
If you have read this far i hope you are doing better than me, and if youre doing just as bad or worse i want to say im sorry that life dealt you such a bad hand.
