Venting Feeling stuck

[beboleaf]

For months now, I have felt nothing but low and depressed. At a certain point it looks up for a little while, but then I come back to the same point.
I can usually tell how depressed I am or how bad it is, right now it's rock bottom and the lowest I've ever felt. I'm insecure over every detail of myself whether it's my intelligence, my looks, how I talk to people, or how I'll look getting older.
My boyfriend talks of having a family with me later on, but I can't imagine myself making it to 19.
What's the point of anything? I don't seek out help anymore and everyday I imagine how my plan of ctb would play out. I still put the facade of being okay on so my folks don't worry but I don't know how much longer I can continue :(

 

[Hystearical]

I'm sorry you habe been riding on fumes for a long time and trying to manage it all by yourself. You don't deserve to have to bear the burden alone. What do you think about telling your loved ones how you're feeling? I'm sure they'd prefer to know even if if meant being worried.

Besides your normal insecurities is there anything kind of tangible that is making you feel this way?

 

[beboleaf]

I'm sorry you habe been riding on fumes for a long time and trying to manage it all by yourself. You don't deserve to have to bear the burden alone. What do you think about telling your loved ones how you're feeling? I'm sure they'd prefer to know even if if meant being worried.

Besides your normal insecurities is there anything kind of tangible that is making you feel this way?

I've talked to my boyfriend briefly about it although I've been vague and I don't get into my suicidal ideation. Generally, it's how I feel bad or how getting out of bed feels like a chore.
I don't want to tell my other folks about it, I've tried counseling and it hasn't helped. I'm sure that's my fault. Journaling helps.
As for insecurities, it's no one else's fault for my self loathing. I'm very negative towards myself and think I'm not good enough for anything.

 

[Hystearical]

, I've tried counseling and it hasn't helped. I'm sure that's my fault. Journaling

That's not necessarily true by any means.

It's understandable you're reluctant to risk about your feelings. It's a very painful and difficult conversation to have.

Its not your fault you deal with a lot of self-hatred. A lot of us do. The notion of fault doesn't really apply when it comes to feelings.

If you're 18 it's normal to feel out of place in life. In my experience there is at least one thing (usually more) someone is good at or stands out for. Not even talking about things like skills nor talents. And if there is nothing that really sets you apart, well, you're just as worthy as anyone else nonetheless.