Venting feeling lost

[speck]

if you've seen my posts before, you know that I am in a bad situation. I have been in my relationship for ten years and it is deteriorating. I love this person very much but they have stripped my self esteem to the bone- I no longer believe I will be able to make it without them, I live in fear of the bad times and weep over remember the good times. I think "am I as bad as this person says? If this is so, then how can I ever hold a job, make friends, or find someone else?" I am so isolated. And I am so sad.
This person beat me pretty badly several weeks ago, this is not the first time. I think my rotator cuff is torn and I still want to try so hard to fix things. This person has said for years that I make them want to beat my face in, murder me, and that's my fault that's not who they are. How can I argue with that? I'm not supposed to argue back. And who can I ask for validation or understanding? This is the only person left in my life.
This person is leaving as soon as they can, they've explicitly told me they want me to be miserable because in asking them to stay I have made them miserable.
I was a stupid person when I was young but I had some self esteem- I never thought I would feel so raw and bereft.
I'm finally graduating from college this summer but I will probably be dead before then. I am in my early 30d and I can't bear the thought of being haunted for the rest of my life knowing that this person hates me so much, that they want to erase me, that i gave everything to them. I don't want to remember when things were good and I really don't want to have to reckon with how bad things were. I don't know how to find any peace.
I don't want to die- I want to have a family who loves me. Why couldn't I do anything right?
I don't even know if I'm the bad person anymore. I can't do this. How could I ever love anyone as much as this person? How could I when I have given everything in me to them? I know some people heal but I don't think I can.
When I look behind me I see two young people in love, I see the person who abandoned me and came back to me three times and think why can't they make this work. Why doesn't this person love me.

I'm sorry, you guys are the only people I have to talk to anymore.

 

[RandomBeaver]

No words of encouragement could possibly amount the distress you must be living in. You are precious no matter what others may say


I'm sorry for the cruelty of human kind

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Oh dear, I'm truly truly truly sorry that you're going through that.

Of course it's not your fault and you're not the bad person. You don't deserve to be treated like this at all. No one does.

I don't know the person so it's hard to judge. But clearly the relationship is no longer good for both of you. That person, being a bad person or simply being on the edge with that relationship, cannot treat you like that. It's not acceptable at all.

It's normal to feel the way you describe considering how you have been treated. I know it's been 10 years but the longer you spend in that relationship the worse you'll feel.

Please consider walking away. Use your last strength to do so. It's always said that better alone than in bad company, and it's true.

I myself have also been dragging out the end of my past relationship and it wasn't worth it, it was just wasted time and energy.

I really hope you can get out of that horrible situation. And you're not alone. You have us here.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sad for you. This sounds like a horrible situation to be in and I'm sure you must feel trapped.

I would agree with other people though- that it sounds like it would be best for you to move on- or let them move on if they are threatening to leave. I completely understand that you feel so much attachment to this person but I would say- from what you have described- you are mourning the relationship as it was- not how it is now. It sounds as if it has soured and that it is doing terrible damage to you- physically and mentally.

It's impossible for us to judge who is at fault but it sounds like you are taking all the responsibility. I don't know but it sounds like that's what they are trying to make you feel. Yet, I don't think their behaviour sounds appropriate under any circumstances- personally I don't feel like anyone should put up with violence.

It's not my place to judge but from what you've described, the relationship does sound abusive to me. Do you ever watch You Tube? There's a lady on there under: 'Live Abuse Free' who talks about lots of different issues. It's going to sound weird but I'm pretty sure I grew up with a Narcissist in my family. All sorts of crazy shit happened. It was actually a strange comfort to see this ladies channel and see a lot of the behaviours described. I don't know- might be worth checking her out. Might be a way to validate what you are feeling and maybe why- maybe they are partly making you feel like this?

Still, maybe I'm overreacting- some of the things they have done and said to you raise huge red flags for me but what do people who know you think about your relationship? Do they think you are good for each other?

It's clear you have the openess and capacity to love and the want to do so. I really feel like- given time, you will be able to move on and form a new, happier (and safer) life but I personally feel like you would need to burn your bridges in order to do so- if indeed- that is the right thing to do.

The fact that you are finishing your college education is a real positive- you've stuck at that and made it through- and I'm sure it wasn't easy if you were struggling throughout. I really hope that you can find the inner strength to move on from this person and find a happier life or to make things better with them if you really think that is for the best. I wish you well.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you are going through and I'm sorry that you have to endure that. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens, I wish you the best.