apeaceofmind
everything's black..
- Jan 31, 2024
- 11
Vent post because I just need to say some things "out loud" and I'm pretty tired of talking to anyone like my family, friends, counselor, etc.
Not gonna explain everything in one post but im just gonna share some recent things that are making me feel shitty.
I have around 9 hours a week for work now that the holiday season is over for retail, I have no money to fix my car and I need my car to work to get to my job which is really just a feedback loop of me getting fucked from both ends. I have less than $500 in my bank and I need to fix my brakes, water damage, my spedometer (which broke a few hours ago), my tailights and just general maintenance stuff. My friends barely talk to me and whenever I reach out I feel like im either being ignored or they dont like me. I still live with my mom (and her bf) but my relationship with either is very passive aggressive. I pretty much hate talking to either and I have virtually no chance to move out at all due to rent being incredibly high and me having no money. If I'm not working I'm shut in my room playing games, eating, or watching porn and gore videos late at night. Im sick of my actions towards others and myself and I wish things would change but I never actually go out to fix things, and even if i try I only stay semi-motivated for a bout a week. my room is a pigsty but I know where everything is for the most part so I dont clean it. My emotional level is at a pretty consistent low currently and I wake up with suicidal thoughts almost every morning. I wish I could fix or sell my car maybe for a street bike or just have some more money in general. I feel so lost and my only direction my life seems to be going in is homelessness or death. Im 18 and graduated last year and have been working since but i just feel like a fucking robot, doing the same thing every day. i wish i could fall asleep and never wake up. if you read the whole messy vent post to this point, thanks. I just needed to say something, if anything at all. bottling this up is never good, but even then im not sure if im yelling into the internet void or not.
Not gonna explain everything in one post but im just gonna share some recent things that are making me feel shitty.
I have around 9 hours a week for work now that the holiday season is over for retail, I have no money to fix my car and I need my car to work to get to my job which is really just a feedback loop of me getting fucked from both ends. I have less than $500 in my bank and I need to fix my brakes, water damage, my spedometer (which broke a few hours ago), my tailights and just general maintenance stuff. My friends barely talk to me and whenever I reach out I feel like im either being ignored or they dont like me. I still live with my mom (and her bf) but my relationship with either is very passive aggressive. I pretty much hate talking to either and I have virtually no chance to move out at all due to rent being incredibly high and me having no money. If I'm not working I'm shut in my room playing games, eating, or watching porn and gore videos late at night. Im sick of my actions towards others and myself and I wish things would change but I never actually go out to fix things, and even if i try I only stay semi-motivated for a bout a week. my room is a pigsty but I know where everything is for the most part so I dont clean it. My emotional level is at a pretty consistent low currently and I wake up with suicidal thoughts almost every morning. I wish I could fix or sell my car maybe for a street bike or just have some more money in general. I feel so lost and my only direction my life seems to be going in is homelessness or death. Im 18 and graduated last year and have been working since but i just feel like a fucking robot, doing the same thing every day. i wish i could fall asleep and never wake up. if you read the whole messy vent post to this point, thanks. I just needed to say something, if anything at all. bottling this up is never good, but even then im not sure if im yelling into the internet void or not.
