Venting Feeling lost and depressed

[strawb15]

Recently I've been feeling so lost. I had a ctb date in March, and I pushed it back and am unsure when my new date will be. I've been feeling so lost with the fact that I'm still alive right now. I mainly pushed back my date because my heavy drug use has made me like life a bit more, which has created the issue of only really wanting to live because of drugs. I've been having to plan for the next academic year and it's so odd actually creating plans for the future knowing I wanted to be dead by now.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post, maybe just getting my feelings out there and to see if anyone feels the same. I just feel so insanely miserable I don't know what to do with myself. All I feel content doing is getting high and talking to my friends. I don't even have the energy to talk to people who I don't 100% like. I just wish to have an end to all of this, but the joy I feel when high makes me questions my wants to ctb. I'm also high writing this if it's not obvious with all my disjointed ranting.

 

[PenPen<3]

I don't do drugs but I feel I am with only really living for short term pleasures. I've just been doing whatever feels good the past few months and trying to get thru each day bc my od didn't work

 

[voc_89]

i was like this for half of my time in uni. Then i met someone who made me remember what it was like to live with purpose. We are no longer together but I hope to one day find that high like i once did when i was with her. I think that is a key reason why i am still here. To your case, I hope you find that thing that also makes you feel alive again. NotwithstandingI hope you find peace regardless.

 

[bpdscared9]

I never dealt with drugs before in my life but I got very much addicted to antipsychotics and I used to also abuse them to feel better or just to straight up sleep for 12+ hours. It was such an awful time in my life, not to mention that it was back in my teens. Sending you big hugs, OP. I'm very proud of you, you got this!

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Your heavy drug use has made you not want to ctb? I've always felt 4x worse after a few months of heavy abuse. I always regretted it immensely.

Life is strange when you thought you'd be gone by now for sure. I'm glad you still got plans to live, and friends to be with. I hope things get better for you.

 

[NR12345]

I feel ya. I have never been at peace. Ever since I was a child. It's exhausting. I don't see a way out. I hope you find peace.
It must be so exhausting. I am in a similar boat. I use kratom everyday just to feel. It's not the best for you, but it's what I have to work with. In the country I live in, drugs are seriously frowned upon and you can end up in all sorts of trouble.

Recently I've been feeling so lost. I had a ctb date in March, and I pushed it back and am unsure when my new date will be. I've been feeling so lost with the fact that I'm still alive right now. I mainly pushed back my date because my heavy drug use has made me like life a bit more, which has created the issue of only really wanting to live because of drugs. I've been having to plan for the next academic year and it's so odd actually creating plans for the future knowing I wanted to be dead by now.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post, maybe just getting my feelings out there and to see if anyone feels the same. I just feel so insanely miserable I don't know what to do with myself. All I feel content doing getting high and talking to my friends. I don't even have the energy to talk to people who I don't 100% like. I just wish to have an end to all of this, but the joy I feel when high makes me questions my wants to ctb. I'm also high writing this if it's not obvious with all my disjointed ranting.

 

[Counsuffer]

depression is the permanent state for me