Help Feeling like my suicide is inevitable and out of my control.

[CuriosityAndCat]

I'm feeling like my suicide is inevitable and out of my contro,l and I don't want to die. Background I've been diagnosed with cPTSD, dysthymia, and generalized anxiety disorder.
I'm going to be shouted or screamed at. After that I feel suicidal and either have nightmares or can't sleep for 1-3 days without sleep meds. I can't get away without ending up in a worse situation. I'm getting panic attacks outside of this. Considering this happens nearly weekly, it feels like an eventuality I'm going to CTB in a moment of weakness. I don't lack for methods and able to follow through. No problems jumping off heights and good control, suturing myself, access and comfortable working with gases.

I can't stop thinking "I'm going to die." I can't eat or sleep without sleep meds. I'm constantly spacing out and can't focus. When I get a call or hear my name, it freaks me out. Things seem either pointless and I can barely do them because I'm going to die or I'm having a panic attack because I can't do it and/or I'm going to die.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Why do you get shouted or screamed at? Could you maybe try and change your circumstances so that you aren't around the people who trigger you like this to begin with? Shouting at someone is pretty extreme. Why do they get so angry with you?

 

[Alwaysdreaming]

I'm feeling like my suicide is inevitable and out of my contro,l and I don't want to die. Background I've been diagnosed with cPTSD, dysthymia, and generalized anxiety disorder.
I'm going to be shouted or screamed at. After that I feel suicidal and either have nightmares or can't sleep for 1-3 days without sleep meds. I can't get away without ending up in a worse situation. I'm getting panic attacks outside of this. Considering this happens nearly weekly, it feels like an eventuality I'm going to CTB in a moment of weakness. I don't lack for methods and able to follow through. No problems jumping off heights and good control, suturing myself, access and comfortable working with gases.

I can't stop thinking "I'm going to die." I can't eat or sleep without sleep meds. I'm constantly spacing out and can't focus. When I get a call or hear my name, it freaks me out. Things seem either pointless and I can barely do them because I'm going to die or I'm having a panic attack because I can't do it and/or I'm going to die.

First thank you for sharing this. I feel exactly the same and I am diagnosed with the same stuff. I just started to slowly feel better recently due to a recent job switch but my living situation just got extremely uncomfortable and stressful. I live with a family member that doesn't know how to deal with stress and refuses to get help with their own mental health issues. Unfortunately this individual just recently told me they would not sign a new lease with me next year which leaves me having to find another place to live. I cannot afford to live anywhere close to where I am now and have to rely on others to find a place to go. I cannot stop thinking that I am going to cbt at any moment. The only thing that gets me to sleep at night is the thought of being dead. When I wake up all I want to do is die. I really don't want to cbt. I just want the suffering to stop. But it's like you said i feel like at any moment I am just going to give in. Reaching out and talking to people has helped a little to calm my nerves but it's very limited to whom I can talk to. I also don't want to burden them. I have been going through a lot the last few years and I am sure they are just as tired as I am with all this. I'm hoping I can find a way to pull through and I hope you can to. I really do believe that no one really wants to die they just want the suffering to stop. I know I am going to try my best to keep pushing forward the best I can and if I can't at least I know that there is a final solution to all this. Try the best you can I really do feel you on all this.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

I live with a family member that doesn't know how to deal with stress and refuses to get help with their own mental health issues.

Thanks for replying! Finding someone else who understands what having an angry family member you can't escape is like does make me feel a bit better. Don't forget how everything they do is your fault too.

Changing my situation would require cutting off my family, moving, changing phone numbers, abandoning email and social accounts, etc. Explaining to people I want to stay in contact with why my family will try to contact them. Also I don't want to lose my family.

Sometimes when I feel suicidal it's from hurting and death is the escape from pain. Othertimes I'll believe suicide is the best solution to a difficult problem and I don't need to feel bad about it.

I've been doing better. Not feeling suicidal is new to me. Majority of the time I don't feel like dying or want to. I don't feel like I need a reason to live, and I'd need a reason to die. I don't go to sleep or wake up wanting to die. The thought I'm going to die keeps me awake.

It's the change that seems when I'm most likely to act, and I have the motivation and energy. I can't even distract myself during those few days with TV or the like because since I've been doing better it just feels like I'm wasting time. I feel or sense that I'm playing Russian Roulette in the sense the number of times I spin the barrel and pull the trigger is unbound and it's a stochastic matter of when.

Shouting at someone is pretty extreme.

Unfortunately, there's a lot that has been normalized. It's sporadic and random. I got in a car accident once during college. I called home. My mother just screamed at me till I started crying and hung up. Never asked if I was OK. When I was 14, I got a pair of scissors stabbed through my palm. Screamed at me told me to figure out it and hung up. Last week she asked me to pick up tortillas for Thanksgiving from a new tortilla factory. I asked where it was and she just exploded. Screamed at me for 37 minutes. This happens a few times a month. I'm kind of surprised I never acclimatized. Cutting off my mother would require cutting off the rest of my family, which would be very complicated.