Story Feeling like I’m in this in between life and death stage

[Mtnwildflowers]

I'm stuck in this in between life and death phase. I feel like at this point it's hard to make any attempt at changing things in my life because I'm so convinced my life is going to end in suicide at some point. I am privileged in that I have the ability to do it at anytime. I am thankful for this forum for giving me that opportunity. The only two things I think about that keep me from doing it are my dog and music. Knowing I can at anytime does make me feel better. I go to therapy to try to accept where I'm at with my mood disorder. I just don't actually think that's ever going to happen. I'm aware of things that maybe would bring more quality to life, but I just don't want to live (and of course having a treatment resistant mood disorder makes these things impossible anyway) . I'm not really sure why I haven't given up in terms of I still have a psychiatrist and therapist. The meds help me have a small mood boost from a stimulant during the day and then something to sleep at night. This is the best it gets after extensive treatment, and months ago I was told I'm "palliative care" by my team. Still suicidal daily and feel like it's only a matter of time. My therapist at this point is the only one for me to have really any person to person contact besides maybe a few sporadic texts here and there from friends and family. Those texts don't affect me at this point anymore anyway. I think I just go to her to at least have one person to have contact with which also includes talking about everything going on minus having a readily available suicide method. Just wrote this because I've noticed other people also finding comfort in having a method ready but still sort of in limbo until an exact time. thanks for reading

 

[CemetryGates]

I know the feeling you speak of, you become disconnected with life I notice it sometimes when I walk alone early in the morning it's eerie I am between worlds, death calls to me. I find it mysterious but more comforting than life which is cruel and callous.
God bless I hope things get better for you

 

[Zegers]

I feel like i'm unplugged from the flow of life. I can't visualize a significant change that will shift my mindset and clear the fog.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I feel like this, the things all of you have said, and it's very hard, though I'm not fixed on method and don't have my preferred way out yet, though I'm still looking to find something easier than partial, which I have attempted but failed. My clinical support I think simply chalk it up to ideation and don't think I will do it, so in that, they don't really care, which is "funny", not so much ha ha, that essentially the world is not bothered about the depth of suffering as long as we're still breathing.

Isolation is killer, but I have no inclination, motivation or will to fight anymore for recovery, I don't think it's possible anymore. So many meds that don't work, tried all the talking therapies, tried everything over the years but essentially I cannot shift this need to no longer be here and escape from the pain of daily living. I am completely apathetic to existence.

So, I lurk here, where at least there are people who get it, although I wish none of us did.

 

[want2dienow]

i'm in the median too, but i'm not like you. i'm a slug

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

I feel like this, the things all of you have said, and it's very hard, though I'm not fixed on method and don't have my preferred way out yet, though I'm still looking to find something easier than partial, which I have attempted but failed. My clinical support I think simply chalk it up to ideation and don't think I will do it, so in that, they don't really care, which is "funny", not so much ha ha, that essentially the world is not bothered about the depth of suffering as long as we're still breathing.

Isolation is killer, but I have no inclination, motivation or will to fight anymore for recovery, I don't think it's possible anymore. So many meds that don't work, tried all the talking therapies, tried everything over the years but essentially I cannot shift this need to no longer be here and escape from the pain of daily living. I am completely apathetic to existence.

So, I lurk here, where at least there are people who get it, although I wish none of us did.

It's hard being like this and navigating mental health professionals. I acknowledge they have to do their jobs, but I feel like we just dance around the issue. My therapist verbalizes it's true when I say that going to a hospital won't help me so at least she acknowledges the truth. She knows that's not going to change anything so I feel like we almost purposefully both avoid the topic.

I am glad that you and others on this forum exist to be able to verbalize the full truth. Thanks for commenting!!

i'm in the median too, but i'm not like you. i'm a slug

Can I ask why you say you're a slug? No worries if that's not something you want to elaborate on :)

 

[outrider567]

I'm stuck in this in between life and death phase. I feel like at this point it's hard to make any attempt at changing things in my life because I'm so convinced my life is going to end in suicide at some point. I am privileged in that I have the ability to do it at anytime. I am thankful for this forum for giving me that opportunity. The only two things I think about that keep me from doing it are my dog and music. Knowing I can at anytime does make me feel better. I go to therapy to try to accept where I'm at with my mood disorder. I just don't actually think that's ever going to happen. I'm aware of things that maybe would bring more quality to life, but I just don't want to live (and of course having a treatment resistant mood disorder makes these things impossible anyway) . I'm not really sure why I haven't given up in terms of I still have a psychiatrist and therapist. The meds help me have a small mood boost from a stimulant during the day and then something to sleep at night. This is the best it gets after extensive treatment, and months ago I was told I'm "palliative care" by my team. Still suicidal daily and feel like it's only a matter of time. My therapist at this point is the only one for me to have really any person to person contact besides maybe a few sporadic texts here and there from friends and family. Those texts don't affect me at this point anymore anyway. I think I just go to her to at least have one person to have contact with which also includes talking about everything going on minus having a readily available suicide method. Just wrote this because I've noticed other people also finding comfort in having a method ready but still sort of in limbo until an exact time. thanks for reading

'knowing that i can CTB at anytime makes me feel better' me too

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that it must be a relief having the option of a way to exit, no one should ever have to feel as though they are trapped in this world with no way to leave. I'm sorry that you suffer. This life is just so tiring. Best wishes in whatever you decide to do.