Feeling kinda bad about my secret

[Wyldfyre4948]

So I have a slight feeling of guilt for planning my own death while some people are trying to help. My family and coworkers are trying to help me get my life together since everything fell apart. The thing is I know there isn't any going back and I don't have any will to live. If I told them they'd just put me in the hospital and I'd lose all freedom I have left. This leaves me with some guilt because they want to help and I can't tell them to stop because it won't work.

Right now I'm planning on getting SN and everything else needed and using it on a weekend after work. If the new rebreather is found to be a viable method I'll probably do that instead so I don't have to worry about puking. Just let me put on some cartoons and drift away in my bed nice and comfy.

Honestly it feels like nobody actually cares because I'm a man and men aren't supposed to be open about their feelings. People do know I'm very open about my feelings and I don't lie about stuff either. My pride has been shot to hell asking for rides and other help. Funny enough is that every time I feel like I'm at my lowest I find a new sublevel.

It would be nice if I could be open with everyone about what I'm planning. Unfortunately they wouldn't be supportive or helpful because they don't understand. Being secretive about this sucks but at least I can put these feelings on here. It's just heartbreaking to have to keep something so big a secret.

 

[todiefor]

I feel you, it is really a heavy burden, it makes what already is a lonely existence even lonelier. There's nothing easy about ctb, in the last months I've wrecked my brain trying to ensure everyone's as taken care of as possible after I'm gone while planning the ctb, and going through the biggest emotional hell I've ever experienced. It's a lonely sad journey to ctb. I'm also a terrible lier and as a result have cut off contact with most people. I can feel that many of my friends sense something is wrong and are regularly checking in on me and sounding worried, I'm really running out of excuses. The lie creates a further rift with the world, the streets just seem surreal with smiling and happy people. It's just a lot of silent screaming on my own.

Thank you to everyone who has responded or upvoted or taken the time to pm me in my moments of desperation in the last month. It's been so appreciated and has restored some of my faith In humanity and it has really helped. There are some really good people here.

 

[dumpsterfire]

dude i totally get it, im from a really good life where in december i get to ride up to a gala in a limo (i seriously cant even beleive i would ever say that tbh, like feels so unreal) and yet i still linger at this site. to me, i feel selfish even though i know that my feelings are feelings and whatever whatever. But in my mind, i'll make it to a platau in my life and then i'll do it, kind of like holding out until every last loose end is taken care of, so my cat wont be rehomed or possibly put down and so my dad wont ctb after finding out i did. Good luck out there if you ever do it, and i wish only the very best ♡

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

It sucks life has to be this way. We are given no other option. Exist for others and stay in pain or end this miserable existence and put others in pain.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

It's like I'm trying to protect them by making it seem like I'm okay or even getting better. Hopefully when I get my hands on what I need to ctb it goes well and I don't fail.

 

[day]

It's completely normal to feel guilty about this type of thing and maybe it's a good thing for some and can show them they have reason to keep going and for others it can be so horrible or meaningless.

I hope you manage to find peace no matter what you decide OP you deserve that. I just hope you don't have to continue to suffer either way.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

It's completely normal to feel guilty about this type of thing and maybe it's a good thing for some and can show them they have reason to keep going and for others it can be so horrible or meaningless.

I hope you manage to find peace no matter what you decide OP you deserve that. I just hope you don't have to continue to suffer either way.

The only thing I would suffer for is my wife. If she came back I would live for her.

 

[day]

The only thing I would suffer for is my wife. If she came back I would live for her.

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, the world truly is so unfair to people who don't deserve it…

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, the world truly is so unfair to people who don't deserve it…

I appreciate you and your kind words. This is a cold cruel world and I'm far too weak for it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do wish we existed in a world where there's acceptance towards the right to die, I think the fact that other people wish to prolong suffering and force suicidal people into psych wards when they want true relief from everything just shows a lack of compassion. None of us are obligated to continue existing here and it's sad how many people refuse to come to terms with that fact despite how there is endless potential to suffer as long as one is trapped here.