First post here. Hello 
I've been feeling rough lately. I always feel suicidal but sometimes it's the only thing I can think about, like right now.
I have a best friend, we have been talking since we were really young. We live in different parts of the world so she has a different friend group then I do.
Recently one of her friends committed suicide successfully. She's been devastated. I'm devastated for her, she's really torn up, and it wasn't like she was doing great to begin with.
I haven't told anyone this (for obvious reasons) but im jealous. Jealous that this stranger succeeded before me. Because I don't know if I can burden my friend with losing 2 people to suicide.
She knows I'm suicidal because I always have been. I think it would ruin her and I can't do that.
But god does it feel bad living for someone else. I feel like the only reason I'm here is to placate other people. I can't die because it would make my family sad. And it's fucking awful.
So I feel bad for this other girl and her family. But I wish I had gotten around to it first. Then at least I wouldn't look as selfish to my friend, I suppose.
I wonder if anyone else has been through anything similar?
I've been feeling rough lately. I always feel suicidal but sometimes it's the only thing I can think about, like right now.
I have a best friend, we have been talking since we were really young. We live in different parts of the world so she has a different friend group then I do.
Recently one of her friends committed suicide successfully. She's been devastated. I'm devastated for her, she's really torn up, and it wasn't like she was doing great to begin with.
I haven't told anyone this (for obvious reasons) but im jealous. Jealous that this stranger succeeded before me. Because I don't know if I can burden my friend with losing 2 people to suicide.
She knows I'm suicidal because I always have been. I think it would ruin her and I can't do that.
But god does it feel bad living for someone else. I feel like the only reason I'm here is to placate other people. I can't die because it would make my family sad. And it's fucking awful.
So I feel bad for this other girl and her family. But I wish I had gotten around to it first. Then at least I wouldn't look as selfish to my friend, I suppose.
I wonder if anyone else has been through anything similar?
