Feeling infatuated with death

[Deadlyroses]

Anyone else here feel an actual sense of infatuation with death? Almost like it's a being that hugs you and makes you smile and feel safe? Like an imaginary friend of sorts? Sometimes if I'm really high or drunk, I will even imagine conversations with "death". I don't picture it as a physical being- just as a voice. A nice and friendly voice. I am a huge maladaptive daydreamer, so there's also that. I do acknowledge that this is an imagination-induced coping mechanism. But indulge it. I feel an actual infatuation with the thought of being dead. I like the thought of my eyes closing, my heart slowing to a stop, and my breathing stopping once and for all. I like the thought of my body ceasing to function. I like the thought of being buried in the ground. Thinking about these things legitimately comforts me. It makes me feel safe from anything and everything that may bring me harm or pain. You can't hurt if you're dead. You can't suffer when you're dead. You will be nothing. Empty darkness and silence like before you were born.

 

[Versailles]

Sometimes I see death as a kind of consolation, and I have strange thoughts about afterlife, I see myself dancing with death, naked in the middle of a fire in the forest with Celtic music in the background, after CTB. I guess it's normal for those of us with MDD

 

[rosie93]

I have dreams in which I overdose and fall asleep knowing I'm never going to wake up, happy with a smile on my face. I don't exist anymore.

 

[Fire&Ash]

I am a huge maladaptive daydreamer too. I might have a very skewed idea of what death it, but I also imagine that it is comforting and will ease me. Too bad its permanent.

 

[seeking2learn]

The great unknown that cannot be known. Romantic.

 

[domedune]

I describe myself as being "infatuated with death" in my head, though I don't personify death. It is something I pine for, think about, dream about, and consider "romantic", though. For this reason, I can't relate to most music explicitly about suicide, because it's usually sung about in this depressing, gory, edgy, and/or evil manner. My favorite songs I associate with suicide are not even about it.

 

[Deadlyroses]

I describe myself as being "infatuated with death" in my head, though I don't personify death. It is something I pine for, think about, dream about, and consider "romantic", though. For this reason, I can't relate to most music explicitly about suicide, because it's usually sung about in this depressing, gory, edgy, and/or evil manner. My favorite songs I associate with suicide are not even about it.

I feel this. I don't think of death in an evil manner at all. Life is evil. Being dead is anything but.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes I do have infatuation with dying. I see it as an adventure tbh.

 

[siray]

What's there not to love about death? Infinite time passes in an instant, all the anxiety about how my family will live with the grief of my death, my beloved mother who will weep for me for years, all this tension evaporates away when I'm dead. Maybe there is a mass extinction event in a few thousand years, and maybe Sun evaporates all the water on earth in a few hundred million years, the universe comes to an end in heat death, all that happens in an instant, because I won't be constrained by the prison of time, my corporeality is no more, I'm not a prisoner in my flesh.

It's such a beautiful solution to my every problem. What's 50 years? 100 years, all the people I know will be surely dead in this time. But I won't have to experience the torturous passage of this time, that's the beauty of it. My loved ones will be dead in 60-70 years, and there won't be anyone left to grieve for me then. All these long years for them won't exist for me, I'll stay unharmed because I'll be One with death.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I can relate to this for sure. People have literally told me to "stop talking about death!", but I can't help it. I'm obsessed with the idea of dying by my own hand. I frequently act out my suicide by different methods. Death is freedom.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have always found death to be comforting. I am not meant for this life, to me it has never felt right, being alive. I wish I was never born. I was perfectly fine in the nothingness before this life.I want to return to that. I just see existence as suffering, there is no limit as to how bad life can get. I see it as a wonderful thing, never having to experience anything again. All I want is peace, there is no peace in this life. Thinking of my death is the one thing that calms me down when I am suffering, the knowledge that I can exit this life and be free. It is the one thing that I want and it is the only thing that makes sense to me.

 

[Bullit]

No. Wish I had a life. Death sucks.